When I stepped in his office, he asked me to tell him about my surgery and recovery experience like I expected he would. Then he immediately brought up eating like I somewhat expected he would. I told him that there was basically a day and a half last week where I couldn't eat because of a mixture of pain and required fasting before going under anesthesia, then it took a while for my tummy to be able to handle non-liquid(ish) food (I could eat things like yogurt and pudding and drink calories, but I couldn't handle solid food for a day or so). I told him that I had probably lost some weight unintentionally during the ordeal, which he said he agreed with.
Then I told him about the bed weighing (see the third to last paragraph of this post for the full story). I didn't realize until after I wrote that post, but the weight that the (probably inaccurate) bed scale recorded would put me in the "Anorexic BMI" category.
[However, BMI is a very controversial measurement, as it is not an accurate measurement of body type because it does not differentiate between weight from muscle and weight from fat.]
I'm confused. I know I am not at a healthy weight because I have had experience being at both healthy and unhealthy weights and I definitely appear to fall in the latter category. But besides D, my mom, and my friend SS no one has said anything or expressed any concern. No one in my eating disorder therapy group has said anything and none of my coworkers have said anything. RU hasn't said anything, and always tells me that I have a "sexy body," which is especially confusing because does that mean I'm not underweight or that he finds underweight attractive or is he just trying to make me feel better about myself? I just don't know.
So D thinks I need to gain weight. He keeps telling me that it's very hard for "an anorexic" (that's... an odd phrasing) to gain weight outside of a hospital and that a lot of his ED clients are in the hospital because they couldn't do it. Which, of course, I interpret as "THIS IS A THREAT THAT I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO THE HOSPITAL AND TAKE AWAY GRADUATE SCHOOL FROM YOU," which makes me even more scared of this whole thing.
Here's a breakdown of some thoughts I had at the end of the session:
- I think I might not be at a healthy weight.
- I think I might not be at not a healthy weight.
- I think I might not look healthy.
- I think I might not not look healthy.
- I need to gain weight.
- I am terrified of gaining weight.
- I'm terrified of not losing weight.
- I'm terrified of going to the hospital because... hospital.
- If I don't gain weight I won't go to grad school.
- If I gain weight I will be fat in grad school and no one will want to be my friend and I will be ashamed.
- My appearance is not troubling to my friends.
- My friends don't care about me.
- My friends might be troubled but are afraid to express concern.
- My friends will notice if I gain weight.
- I will be less liked if I gain weight.
- My boyfriend will notice if I gain weight.
- My boyfriend will love me less if I gain weight.
- I should step on a scale to see what the truth is.
- I should never step on a scale again.
- I have no damn clue what I am thinking.