I'm alive. I'm sorry if I scared you on Thursday, but I felt desperate to express myself and this blog seemed like the only safe route. To clarify, I was feeling suicidal. Extremely suicidal. I was looking up train schedules and was planning the best way to go about dying. I got very close to driving to the tracks. But I didn't.
Friday morning I awoke with my eyes almost completely swollen shut from crying. I put two spoons in the freezer, then when they were chilled enough I put them on my eyes, and eventually they opened. The day was getting off to a relatively okay start, then another terrible thing happened and I lost it again. Once again I looked up train schedules, etc. But instead of killing myself I just took some extra Trazodone to knock me out quickly.
Today I feel dead. I feel like whatever "spirit" I had has been killed. I don't feel like a person, I feel like an empty, walking body. As I am writing this I am finding this very hard to describe. Do you know what I mean?
How do so many bad things happen to certain people? I feel like I've been given enough to deal with already, adding more on is just cruel. When will something good happen? Something worth living for.
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2 comments:
I know we haven't had the same experiences, but I know what you mean when you talk about feeling like your spirit is dead. I feel like that so much.
I'm glad you are still here. I know about eyes swollen shut from tears too. I use cooling eye masks and they help a little.
Thinking of you, C
((((NOSSY))))
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