(?) Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day?

For you, I certainly hope so.  For me, it didn't quite turn out that way.  Last night I didn't fall asleep until 12:30am and woke up at 6am for no reason.  Soon after I got out of bed I started to feel extremely anxious.  I OCD checked things over and over.  I went out in the morning and I could not stop opening my purse and making sure to see if my keys and wallet and cell phone were there.  And when I check, I just can't see my keys etc.; I have to actually touch them.  I'll check, then ten seconds later, even though I know my things are with me, I have to touch them again to bring the anxiety down a little.  It makes very little sense, but it works and that's why I feel like I have to keep doing it.

So after spending all morning checking, I took a Greyhound Bus to another city for another interview, and started to cry.  I think all of this travel and interviewing has really tired me out physically and emotionally.  Life just seems hard to handle.  Unfortunately the school I'm interviewing for this weekend has activities tomorrow evening and Saturday all day, so I have to be on for a long time.  Then I'm flying home on Sunday.  Then I work Monday, and because it's President's Day and kids have off from school the art studio is going to be extremely busy.  Then it's "normal" life until Friday when I take a train to yet another state to interview on Saturday, then on Sunday I take another train straight to a different state so I can interview on Monday morning and go home in the afternoon.  I am so grateful to have been offered these interviews because it increases my prospects for the future, but I am wiped out.

I also miss my regular food.  I have a meal plan that I follow, and I basically eat the same thing every day (I know that that's not good for you, but it's better than undereating, right?).  I take comfort in the routine-- I know exactly how much of everything I am eating and I know it is safe and I won't gain weight on it.  But now that I've been away I'm having completely different food and it's really challenging!  I brought snack foods from home so my snacks are covered, but meals are driving me crazy with anxiety.

I wish I could just put life on pause for a while so I can step out of it and spend massive amounts of time sleeping and be removed from things in general.  I want to drop out of life.  Is that an option?