Join me as I continue to get you guys updated on my life! Today's topic: eating.
For those who are new to reading my blog, I have struggled with disordered eating and body image issues since I can remember. When I was in elementary school I remember standing in front of the mirror in my sister A's room, and both A and my other, oldest sister M would look at their reflection and lift up their shirts to expose their tummies and declare themselves fat. I looked at them and I did not see fat. In reality, they were skinny. But I remember them calling their bodies fat, and after looking at my body and seeing something fatter (I'm not sure whether this was reality or not) I thought to myself "I must really be fat if M and A are fat." So I dieted. It really didn't become a full-blown eating disorder until I was 17 years old and basically stopped eating altogether. Obviously that could not last in the long term, and ever since then I have been struggling to get my life back from this terrible disease.
It's hard to say where I am now with this issue. I have made some improvements: I have not had to be hospitalized since April 2010, and I have not weighed myself or stepped on a scale for anyone since November 2011.
But I confess, I have not been able to maintain the "goal weight" the hospital assigned to me. And I still see a fat monster when I look in the mirror. From about March to November 2012 I did very well sticking to my meal plan. But since December I have been struggling. I was doing pretty badly mid-December to mid-January, but somehow got myself back on track for a few weeks. For the past few days, however, I have been restricting and obsessing. When I look in the mirror I am disgusted by what I see. I see fat, and fat means I'm a failure, I'm unlovable, I'm worthless, I'm a disappointment. Experiencing these feelings is unpleasant (as you can imagine) so in order to make them go away I restrict. And restricting does not make me feel better, but I believe it's preventing me from feeling worse.
I guess I still believe in the "Anorexic Dream", the idea that I can have my eating disorder and still have everything else I want in life. I know rationally, and life has demonstrated to me repeatedly, that this state does not exist. But how great would that be?