Join me as I continue to get you guys updated on my life! Today's topic: eating.
For those who are new to reading my blog, I have struggled with disordered eating and body image issues since I can remember. When I was in elementary school I remember standing in front of the mirror in my sister A's room, and both A and my other, oldest sister M would look at their reflection and lift up their shirts to expose their tummies and declare themselves fat. I looked at them and I did not see fat. In reality, they were skinny. But I remember them calling their bodies fat, and after looking at my body and seeing something fatter (I'm not sure whether this was reality or not) I thought to myself "I must really be fat if M and A are fat." So I dieted. It really didn't become a full-blown eating disorder until I was 17 years old and basically stopped eating altogether. Obviously that could not last in the long term, and ever since then I have been struggling to get my life back from this terrible disease.
It's hard to say where I am now with this issue. I have made some improvements: I have not had to be hospitalized since April 2010, and I have not weighed myself or stepped on a scale for anyone since November 2011.
But I confess, I have not been able to maintain the "goal weight" the hospital assigned to me. And I still see a fat monster when I look in the mirror. From about March to November 2012 I did very well sticking to my meal plan. But since December I have been struggling. I was doing pretty badly mid-December to mid-January, but somehow got myself back on track for a few weeks. For the past few days, however, I have been restricting and obsessing. When I look in the mirror I am disgusted by what I see. I see fat, and fat means I'm a failure, I'm unlovable, I'm worthless, I'm a disappointment. Experiencing these feelings is unpleasant (as you can imagine) so in order to make them go away I restrict. And restricting does not make me feel better, but I believe it's preventing me from feeling worse.
I guess I still believe in the "Anorexic Dream", the idea that I can have my eating disorder and still have everything else I want in life. I know rationally, and life has demonstrated to me repeatedly, that this state does not exist. But how great would that be?
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3 comments:
Hi there,
I think you know this already, but the anorexic dream is just a big nightmare of a lie. It isn't possible for the thinness to be there that you're looking for. No matter how thin you get you'll still think you're fat. And no matter how much you restrict, you'll be more obsessed, and not less obsessed, which means you won't be living your life, you'll be wasting it in obsession. I lived through anorexia for all my teenage years and some of my adult years. It was horrible. Now I live with the aftereffects - the lifelong health problems that I will never get over, the autoimmune disease, the Fibromyalgia which causes constant muscle and joint pains, the arthritis, the vitamin deficiencies. And I'm overweight now, because I have to take medication that makes me overweight. But you know what? I'm happy. I'm free to live my life, free to eat, free to accept myself as I am, free to even love myself. And starts when you tell yourself that you are NOT FAT and that you are WONDERFUL and SMART and IMPORTANT and VALUABLE and A GREAT WRITER and TALENTED and KIND and BEAUTIFUL and YOUR LIFE IS WORTH LIVING and YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS AND PEACE IN YOUR LIFE. And YOU DESERVE FREEDOM. Tell yourself those things every single day.
I really used to believe in the anorexic dream, too. For awhile I even thought that i could be anorexic and a good mom. I just couldn't. It's hard to realize that in order to move forward you have to give up on a dream, even if it is a self-destructive one.
Keep hanging in there!
I love what Jen said. Do you ever look at photos of anorexic women? I happened on some once on youtube, I think it was. There were two sisters who were absolute skeletons and pretty effin' scary. Nothing cool about that. They looked demented and sick, not like healthy confident young women. Well... they both died of their disease.
I don't want you to die NOS. You already did that! (lol) Really. I was sure that you had died and I have to tell you that it sickened me, but I figured that whatever, happened, you were in a better place.
The boyfriend sounds fantastic. Don't think too much about what "love" is... Its a connection. Its a feeling that this person is special and someone or something that gives your life greater meaning. It makes you a better you. It does not define you, however. It is not your other half and it does not make you whole either. People are not halves. Who said that? Who said that you become ONE? You don't... Someone else said it was like two columns working together to hold up the same roof. I like that.
welcome back honey! You's getting old now! haha!
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