I wish it would stop. My mind is playing tricks on me and it's scary. For the past week or so I have been extremely hungry but have had extremely bad body image. On a few occasions when I feel extremely hungry I allow myself another healthy "item" at my nighttime snack in order to satiate the hunger a little bit and prevent me from going on a huge binge. And it's worked. Except when I wake up the next morning and look in the mirror I see that I have gained 5 billion pounds, so then I plan to restrict that day. And sometimes I do. But then I still feel extremely hungry and end up eating what I need to eat. And the next day I am still 5 billion pounds heavier, and it's driving me crazy. Am I seeing reality? I don't know!
I think having my grad school interviews has triggered my bad body image. For some reason I think that if I'm skinnier they will be more likely to accept me. Which makes very little sense, but those are my thoughts. Or maybe it has something to do with competition. I have spent and am going to be spending entire days with other applicants to the programs-- people who are vying for the same spot I am. And a lot of the time I feel inferior, so I feel I need to have something to give me an edge and being thin is that edge. Once again, this makes very little sense. I know that the schools are not basing their judgment of my candidacy on my weight, but no matter how irrational it is I still think that being thin will get me what I want.
Which I know isn't true. Being healthy has gotten me what I want (for the most part). When I was physically very sick I couldn't do anything that I wanted; I couldn't fence or play volleyball my senior year of high school, I couldn't finish high school with my friends, I couldn't go to senior prom, I couldn't walk in graduation, I couldn't stay in uni consistently, I couldn't live outside a hospital, I couldn't have relationships, I couldn't have friendships, I couldn't have a social life. In the past year when I have been doing much better I was able to get a job, have a boyfriend, apply to graduate school, take and do well on the GREs. It was a lot better. But I am bigger than I was when I wasn't functioning and for some reason that outweighs all of the benefits. It's so stupid.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
You are beautiful no matter what! Stay strong and remember, "life is like a riding bicycle and to keep your balance you must keep moving." - Albert Eisenstein
Beautiful blog and blessings!
if you are hungry before you go to bed, then yes... eating a little bit is a good idea. Sometimes I have a few spoonfuls of yoghurt and that does the trick. That thing that Oprah had a few years ago about not eating after 7 pm is bullshit and not very wise. The point is to listen to your body. If you are hungry, have a snack.
NOW, stop looking in the mirror! :] (I know you won't, but please try not to.) The mirror is not your friend. Mirrors are sick, twisted, sadistic FREAKS out to get you. And you may have actually lost weight, but the mirror is going to tell you something else. Pay more attention to how your clothes feel. (unless they are straight out of the dryer... they can be smaller.) Clothes generally don't change very much.
And again... as before... restricting is what makes you fat.
not eating will make you fatter. If you want to be thin, you must eat. It sounds counter-intuitive... but you can see me now.:] (I took off my last name just because of search engines, however) it works and I do not have a particularly fast metabolism.
You know NOS, I am even more glad that you returned when you did. You have the opportunity for people who care about you to support you as you share your next adventures and struggles. Here always listening to you dear one. Hugs to you my friend. You are such an encourager to me!
you are right... I am sure that the grad schol interviewers aren't looking for someone who looks like a ghost and is spacey from malnutrition. They are going to judge you on your merits and nothing else. That voice in your head that is telling you that losing weight would give you an edge is just bullcrap. Remember, you are at your best when you are nourished and healthy!
Post a Comment