I wish it would stop. My mind is playing tricks on me and it's scary. For the past week or so I have been extremely hungry but have had extremely bad body image. On a few occasions when I feel extremely hungry I allow myself another healthy "item" at my nighttime snack in order to satiate the hunger a little bit and prevent me from going on a huge binge. And it's worked. Except when I wake up the next morning and look in the mirror I see that I have gained 5 billion pounds, so then I plan to restrict that day. And sometimes I do. But then I still feel extremely hungry and end up eating what I need to eat. And the next day I am still 5 billion pounds heavier, and it's driving me crazy. Am I seeing reality? I don't know!
I think having my grad school interviews has triggered my bad body image. For some reason I think that if I'm skinnier they will be more likely to accept me. Which makes very little sense, but those are my thoughts. Or maybe it has something to do with competition. I have spent and am going to be spending entire days with other applicants to the programs-- people who are vying for the same spot I am. And a lot of the time I feel inferior, so I feel I need to have something to give me an edge and being thin is that edge. Once again, this makes very little sense. I know that the schools are not basing their judgment of my candidacy on my weight, but no matter how irrational it is I still think that being thin will get me what I want.
Which I know isn't true. Being healthy has gotten me what I want (for the most part). When I was physically very sick I couldn't do anything that I wanted; I couldn't fence or play volleyball my senior year of high school, I couldn't finish high school with my friends, I couldn't go to senior prom, I couldn't walk in graduation, I couldn't stay in uni consistently, I couldn't live outside a hospital, I couldn't have relationships, I couldn't have friendships, I couldn't have a social life. In the past year when I have been doing much better I was able to get a job, have a boyfriend, apply to graduate school, take and do well on the GREs. It was a lot better. But I am bigger than I was when I wasn't functioning and for some reason that outweighs all of the benefits. It's so stupid.