I really need to get back on track with eating. Like, really. Ever since before spring break I have been engaging in behaviors that I hadn't engaged in for a long time, and I have been engaging in them pretty often. The laxatives are becoming a real problem. I took a hand-full this morning and when I tried to eat something I couldn't do it because my tummy hurt so much.
I'm really scared. Poor eating just exacerbates my depression, and when my depression gets bad, it gets bad. And I made a promise to myself that the last time I was at the hospital would be the last time I was at the hospital. I wouldn't say that based on where things are right now I should go to the hospital, but if I continue on this path that's exactly where I'm headed.
I. Hate. This. Disease. All it does is harm me but still at times I am powerless over it. I know taking laxatives will only ruin my digestive system and make me dehydrated and crampy, and I know that starving myself will only bring malnutrition and all of the great things that come with that (dizziness, fatigue, heart problems, digestive problems, kidney problems, and liver problems just to name a few), but for some reason I did both today. I feel like I want to ram my head into the wall because I know that what I'm doing is bad and will only have bad consequences, but there's some sort of faulty neural connection in my brain that forces me to do it. I'm not trying to evade responsibility-- I take full accountability for my actions. But what anorexia does best is take away your choices, and right now that's exactly what it's doing to me.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My Mom's Eating
I can trace the roots of my eating disorder to when I was about 13 years old when I would stand in front of the mirrors for hours pinching my belly and give away my lunch food to all of my friends and leave nothing for myself. (Actually, the body image issues go way, way back before I was 13, but I didn't start manipulating my food intake until I was in middle school.) But when I was 17 years old-- 17 and a half, precisely-- my anorexia really began and I became really sick.
One thing I don't talk about here often (or have I ever mentioned it?) is my mom's eating disorder. About eight months before things went downhill for me, my mother decided to go on Weight Watchers after seeing her sister lose a significant amount of weight on it. At the time my mom was overweight so no one tried to stop her from engaging in this diet. As soon as she joined the pounds started to fall off very quickly and everyone was proud of her and encouraging her. But as she came closer to her goal weight she kept on losing-- no sign of slowing down. Soon she passed her goal weight and became underweight. But still people encouraged her and saw this as a great thing. My dad, because he is probably one of the stupidest men alive when it comes to issues with food, would reinforce this: "How many points is that? Are you allowed to have that?" (His idiocy persists today-- every time I speak to him he asks me "NOS, did you go to the gym today?")
I saw what was happening and I told my mom this. She would not admit to anything. That is, until one day when she was moving my sister into a new apartment and collapsed in the street, bumped her head, and had to be taken to the ER. Weight Watchers kicked her out because she was a liability. And even after that the most she would say was "I have eating issues."
Now, I don't know whether my mom's disordered eating had anything to do with my sudden surge in disordered eating. I think that at times I felt competitive with her and wanted to be losing more than she was. Plus, I wanted the admiration and praise that she got for losing weight. And actually, believe it or not, at my lowest weight, days before I went to the hospital, I was lauded for being thin and having "such great self-control." Of course, now I find this ironic because an eating disorder is a complete lack of self-control, but that's for a different post.
I bring this up because I saw a blog post at nytimes.com about older women developing eating disorders and how their problems often go undetected. The point I'm trying to make is that eating disorders are not only for 17 year old girls, but also their 54 year-old mothers. And one's disease can exacerbate the other's.
One thing I don't talk about here often (or have I ever mentioned it?) is my mom's eating disorder. About eight months before things went downhill for me, my mother decided to go on Weight Watchers after seeing her sister lose a significant amount of weight on it. At the time my mom was overweight so no one tried to stop her from engaging in this diet. As soon as she joined the pounds started to fall off very quickly and everyone was proud of her and encouraging her. But as she came closer to her goal weight she kept on losing-- no sign of slowing down. Soon she passed her goal weight and became underweight. But still people encouraged her and saw this as a great thing. My dad, because he is probably one of the stupidest men alive when it comes to issues with food, would reinforce this: "How many points is that? Are you allowed to have that?" (His idiocy persists today-- every time I speak to him he asks me "NOS, did you go to the gym today?")
I saw what was happening and I told my mom this. She would not admit to anything. That is, until one day when she was moving my sister into a new apartment and collapsed in the street, bumped her head, and had to be taken to the ER. Weight Watchers kicked her out because she was a liability. And even after that the most she would say was "I have eating issues."
Now, I don't know whether my mom's disordered eating had anything to do with my sudden surge in disordered eating. I think that at times I felt competitive with her and wanted to be losing more than she was. Plus, I wanted the admiration and praise that she got for losing weight. And actually, believe it or not, at my lowest weight, days before I went to the hospital, I was lauded for being thin and having "such great self-control." Of course, now I find this ironic because an eating disorder is a complete lack of self-control, but that's for a different post.
I bring this up because I saw a blog post at nytimes.com about older women developing eating disorders and how their problems often go undetected. The point I'm trying to make is that eating disorders are not only for 17 year old girls, but also their 54 year-old mothers. And one's disease can exacerbate the other's.
Monday, March 28, 2011
It's Greek To Me
I don't have much to report today. My uni exams/assignments are coming along. I pretty much only have a presentation left to put together. It's tough-- there are not a lot of good journal articles about my subject and there seems to be a disagreement among the experts as to the definition of my topic-- Machiavellian intelligence. But I have an entire week to get this done, so I'm not terribly worried (albeit worried a little).
Yesterday and today I've been eating according to my meal plan, but I encountered a slight obstacle: when I went to the grocery store yesterday they didn't have any potatoes. (Well, that's not entirely true. They had potatoes, but they were big enough to feed a family of five so I didn't want to buy them.) So I had to decide what to substitute in instead. I wandered around the store and eventually I came across Greek yogurt, which I had never tried before, and decided to give it a go. So tonight I had my first taste-- it was good! It kind of had the taste and texture of vanilla frosting (I got vanilla flavored Dannon Greek yogurt). Trying new foods is a bit anxiety provoking for me, but this seemed to go well. This makes me feel hopeful that I will be able to adjust to the new food I encounter when I'm in Israel this June. (The last time I was in Israel I ate hummus and pita bread for the entire 10 days. Seriously, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Although I did have some mitz mango (translation: mango juice) too.)
In other news, I am considering getting a psychiatrist here in the city where I live-- Dr. N is in another state so I can only see her when I'm home, which is rare. I asked her to get me some names but she hasn't come through on that, so I asked D for help. So he came to our session prepared with two names and phone numbers. I'm really nervous about meeting with a new treatment team member-- my experience with Shrinkiepoo last year was traumatizing (literally) and I'm afraid to open up. To call or not to call, that is the question.
Yesterday and today I've been eating according to my meal plan, but I encountered a slight obstacle: when I went to the grocery store yesterday they didn't have any potatoes. (Well, that's not entirely true. They had potatoes, but they were big enough to feed a family of five so I didn't want to buy them.) So I had to decide what to substitute in instead. I wandered around the store and eventually I came across Greek yogurt, which I had never tried before, and decided to give it a go. So tonight I had my first taste-- it was good! It kind of had the taste and texture of vanilla frosting (I got vanilla flavored Dannon Greek yogurt). Trying new foods is a bit anxiety provoking for me, but this seemed to go well. This makes me feel hopeful that I will be able to adjust to the new food I encounter when I'm in Israel this June. (The last time I was in Israel I ate hummus and pita bread for the entire 10 days. Seriously, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Although I did have some mitz mango (translation: mango juice) too.)
In other news, I am considering getting a psychiatrist here in the city where I live-- Dr. N is in another state so I can only see her when I'm home, which is rare. I asked her to get me some names but she hasn't come through on that, so I asked D for help. So he came to our session prepared with two names and phone numbers. I'm really nervous about meeting with a new treatment team member-- my experience with Shrinkiepoo last year was traumatizing (literally) and I'm afraid to open up. To call or not to call, that is the question.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Good News This Week
Today I felt a lot less depressed than I felt yesterday. I wouldn't say I felt good, but at least things were tolerable. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the stress. As I posted yesterday, I have a lot of things due/coming up in terms of academics, and on Friday I essentially had a meltdown in anticipation of what I thought would be the most awful, stressful weekend ever. In fact, during my session with D I was in such a bad space that D asked my permission to email my Natural Disasters professor in order to get me an extension on the midterm that is scheduled for Monday, but I said no because (1) I don't like to think of myself as "disabled" and getting an extension would classify me as a "student with disability," and (2) requests for accommodations have to go through the College Office, and I don't want them to know that I'm struggling with my depression because they have the power to force me to take another medical leave. But actually, I got a lot done today, so I am feeling a lot less frazzled. I pretty much wrote my entire Medical Sociology paper-- I just have to write the concluding paragraph which I can easily do tomorrow. I also got a lot of studying done for my midterm, so I'm feeling less crazy about that.
Eating did not go well today, however. It also didn't go well yesterday, so I've been living off of very little for the last 48 hours and I feel queasy and weak. Once again I am engaging in behaviors that I do not want to be engaging in, but when the scale shows me something I can't handle I make bad choices. I'm being honest when I say that I really do want to do better tomorrow. It may not seem like it, but I'm trying.
But in all the depression and eating nonsense that has been going on in the last week I neglected to tell you some good news! A few weeks ago I applied to Birthright, an organization that runs free trips to Israel for college students. Free! I wasn't sure if they were going to accept me because so many people apply and this was my first time applying and they usually give priority to those who have applied and got spaced out of the trip before. But then again, I am also 22 years old which is the upper age-limit for the trip, so they usually try to make space for those who won't have an opportunity to go on a later trip. So on Thursday I received an email offering me a spot on the trip and I said yes! It's going to be 10 days in Israel with a group of students from my university (so I'm really hoping to make a friend or two).
This will actually be my first vacation since I last went to Israel in 2005, a few months before my eating disorder really took a turn for the worse. I feel like this trip is appropriate for me for where I am in life right now. I'm nervous about flying and being away from my usual food and my scale, but I think it will be a good experience and challenge.
Eating did not go well today, however. It also didn't go well yesterday, so I've been living off of very little for the last 48 hours and I feel queasy and weak. Once again I am engaging in behaviors that I do not want to be engaging in, but when the scale shows me something I can't handle I make bad choices. I'm being honest when I say that I really do want to do better tomorrow. It may not seem like it, but I'm trying.
But in all the depression and eating nonsense that has been going on in the last week I neglected to tell you some good news! A few weeks ago I applied to Birthright, an organization that runs free trips to Israel for college students. Free! I wasn't sure if they were going to accept me because so many people apply and this was my first time applying and they usually give priority to those who have applied and got spaced out of the trip before. But then again, I am also 22 years old which is the upper age-limit for the trip, so they usually try to make space for those who won't have an opportunity to go on a later trip. So on Thursday I received an email offering me a spot on the trip and I said yes! It's going to be 10 days in Israel with a group of students from my university (so I'm really hoping to make a friend or two).
This will actually be my first vacation since I last went to Israel in 2005, a few months before my eating disorder really took a turn for the worse. I feel like this trip is appropriate for me for where I am in life right now. I'm nervous about flying and being away from my usual food and my scale, but I think it will be a good experience and challenge.
Friday, March 25, 2011
A Letter To My Sisters
First, I want to thank you all for your outpouring of support on Wednesday. It really means a lot for me to know that people value me while I'm alive. In fact, it flatters me that there are people who read this blog! You are all fantastic. You are all exceptional.
Second, I'm glad you really liked the song that I posted yesterday!
Now back to regular programming.
Today was a really tough day. My mood was very low, but luckily my suicidal thoughts were less frequent and less severe. I think this depressive dip has a lot to do with the stress I am currently experiencing. I just had a Cognitive Psychology midterm on Thursday, and now I have to study for my Natural Disasters midterm on Monday, write a paper in Medical Sociology by Wednesday, and then put together a presentation for the following Tuesday for my Social Behavior of Animals class. It's been a lot to handle, and when I feel overwhelmed with schoolwork I get extremely depressed. So hopefully next week things will lift a bit, but until them I will likely be very down.
Remember a while ago when I told you that my sisters did not respond to the email I sent them about my graduation this May and that I felt invalidated? Well, I drafted another email to express how hurt I am by their actions. I'm not sure if I want to send it or not. Here it is:
Second, I'm glad you really liked the song that I posted yesterday!
Now back to regular programming.
Today was a really tough day. My mood was very low, but luckily my suicidal thoughts were less frequent and less severe. I think this depressive dip has a lot to do with the stress I am currently experiencing. I just had a Cognitive Psychology midterm on Thursday, and now I have to study for my Natural Disasters midterm on Monday, write a paper in Medical Sociology by Wednesday, and then put together a presentation for the following Tuesday for my Social Behavior of Animals class. It's been a lot to handle, and when I feel overwhelmed with schoolwork I get extremely depressed. So hopefully next week things will lift a bit, but until them I will likely be very down.
Remember a while ago when I told you that my sisters did not respond to the email I sent them about my graduation this May and that I felt invalidated? Well, I drafted another email to express how hurt I am by their actions. I'm not sure if I want to send it or not. Here it is:
I know a while back I sent you two an email that said that I was going to be graduating this May and finishing up school in December, but you didn't respond. I know that you two are busy and have lives and may not be able to make it to the ceremony (I would love for you two to be there, but if you can't I completely understand), but it would have been nice to have at least acknowledged the message. I'm not sure you get how hard I have had to work and what I've had to go through to get to the place I am in now. In brief: I have worked my ass off and gone through hell (or the institutional equivalent) and I'm still graduating on time. It would have meant a lot to me if you would have congratulated me in some form.What do you think? Is this a good email? Should I send it?
This may sound really dumb to you, but it really does matter to me, and I'm trying not to sit here with pent up resentment and instead say how I'm feeling.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Life Could Be A Dream
Sh-Boom, The Crew Cuts
Oh, life could be a dream
If I could take you up in paradise up above
If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream sweetheart
Life could be a dream sweetheart
Hello hello again, sh-boom and hopin' we'll meet again
Oh, life could be a dream
If only all my precious plans would come true
If you would let me spend my whole life lovin' you
Life could be a dream sweetheart
Now every time I look at you
Something is on my mind
If you do what I want you to
Baby, we'd be so fine
Oh, life could be a dream
If I could take you up in paradise up above
If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream sweetheart
Every time I look at you
Somethin' is on my mind
If you do what I want you to
Baby, we'd be so fine
Life could be a dream
If I could take you up in paradise up above
If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream sweetheart
If you would let me spend my whole life lovin' you
Life could be a dream sweetheart
Now every time I look at you
Something is on my mind
If you do what I want you to
Baby, we'd be so fine
Oh, life could be a dream
If I could take you up in paradise up above
If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream sweetheart
Every time I look at you
Somethin' is on my mind
If you do what I want you to
Baby, we'd be so fine
Life could be a dream
If I could take you up in paradise up above
If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love
Life could be a dream sweetheart
Hello hello again, sh-boom and hopin' we'll meet again
Life could be a dream
Life could be a dream, sweetheart
Life could be a dream
If only all my precious plans would come true
If you would let me spend my whole life loving you
Life could be a dream sweetheart
Sweetheart
Life could be a dream, sweetheart
Life could be a dream
If only all my precious plans would come true
If you would let me spend my whole life loving you
Life could be a dream sweetheart
Sweetheart
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Should Have Been Me
I had a really hard time today in terms of depression. I've been plagued with thoughts of death and suicide all day. It began when a random memory popped into my head-- I thought about a friend that I had when I was a young teenager who died of pancreatic cancer when she was 16. And from there my thoughts went to my friend JB who committed suicide when she was 17. Today I wanted to be these girls.
My recent suicidal thoughts have all been related to hanging-- for some reason I have chosen that as my way to die if I were to kill myself. And today at dinner with RH she told me that last year when I was on medical leave from uni a student hanged himself, so after that I had a surge in suicidal thoughts. That student should have been me. I keep looking at the doorway in which I would hang myself, and I keep playing with the belts I would use as a noose.
This could all just end. The depression, the eating disordered voice, the guilt, the imperfection-- I could escape from it and it would be over. No one would find me for days, but once I am found people would suddenly start to care about me. I feel like my life is valuable to others only when I am dead. And that makes me want to die.
But don't worry. I'm not going to act on these thoughts tonight. They are just thoughts. Powerful, disturbing, saddening thoughts, but thoughts nonetheless.
My recent suicidal thoughts have all been related to hanging-- for some reason I have chosen that as my way to die if I were to kill myself. And today at dinner with RH she told me that last year when I was on medical leave from uni a student hanged himself, so after that I had a surge in suicidal thoughts. That student should have been me. I keep looking at the doorway in which I would hang myself, and I keep playing with the belts I would use as a noose.
This could all just end. The depression, the eating disordered voice, the guilt, the imperfection-- I could escape from it and it would be over. No one would find me for days, but once I am found people would suddenly start to care about me. I feel like my life is valuable to others only when I am dead. And that makes me want to die.
But don't worry. I'm not going to act on these thoughts tonight. They are just thoughts. Powerful, disturbing, saddening thoughts, but thoughts nonetheless.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sleep And Registration
For the past few days I have been going to bed later than I usually do-- around 12am-- and today it caught up to me. I was/am so tired! I could barely pay attention in class (And as a matter of fact, during the first class of the day I didn't pay attention at all. But it's not entirely my fault because the boy who was giving a presentation spoke at a rate of about four words per minute and ended every sentence in a question mark. I can't listen to that.), and I had to get myself a soda before I went to work but that didn't help. And when I came home from work I could barely keep my eyes open while studying. In sum, I am tired, and I must get sleep tonight.
Besides for being dead tired, today wasn't a bad day. I followed my meal plan and it felt pretty good. Also, right now regular registration for summer classes and advance registration for fall classes (advance registration meaning that you can only request a course-- you're not guaranteed to get it) and I'm actually looking forward to the classes I am intending to take. Well, most of them. This summer I am going to take a Brain and Behavior course that fulfills the neural basis of behavior requirement for my psychology major. Then in the fall if all goes according to plan I will be taking a History of Modern Science course, Animal Communication, a course on Psychological Trauma, and a Digital Design course given through the fine arts department. I know that when I'm taking the courses I will not be happy about them, but always when I'm registering for courses I feel excited.
To end this post, I want to share an observation. Have you ever noticed that many men walk with their feet pointing outward, like the opposite of pigeon-toed? I have noticed this for a long time (several years), but I have never said anything about it. It's so weird! If you walk like this and you are reading my blog, tell me: how do you run? It must be very difficult. And that is NOS's important thought of the day.
Besides for being dead tired, today wasn't a bad day. I followed my meal plan and it felt pretty good. Also, right now regular registration for summer classes and advance registration for fall classes (advance registration meaning that you can only request a course-- you're not guaranteed to get it) and I'm actually looking forward to the classes I am intending to take. Well, most of them. This summer I am going to take a Brain and Behavior course that fulfills the neural basis of behavior requirement for my psychology major. Then in the fall if all goes according to plan I will be taking a History of Modern Science course, Animal Communication, a course on Psychological Trauma, and a Digital Design course given through the fine arts department. I know that when I'm taking the courses I will not be happy about them, but always when I'm registering for courses I feel excited.
To end this post, I want to share an observation. Have you ever noticed that many men walk with their feet pointing outward, like the opposite of pigeon-toed? I have noticed this for a long time (several years), but I have never said anything about it. It's so weird! If you walk like this and you are reading my blog, tell me: how do you run? It must be very difficult. And that is NOS's important thought of the day.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Measurements
Eating-wise today was about 34583739485 times better than the last two days. I didn't eat according to my meal plan, but I got pretty darn close; breakfast and dinner were difficult for me, but lunch and snack went well. However, part of the reason I didn't follow my meal plan for breakfast was because I spent most of the morning doubled over in pain, sitting on the toilet, paying the price for taking an entire sheet of laxatives yesterday. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior, but at the same time I don't think that anyone suffering from severe diarrhea would probably not be in the mood for food. But I'm pretty confident that I will be able to follow my meal plan tomorrow. I really hope I will be able to follow my meal plan tomorrow.
Speaking of eating, one of my friends from my eating disorders group, SB, texted me in a panic about body image. She said she felt like she has eaten so much in the past week (including a binge on Saturday) and therefore thinks she has gained weight. Then she asked me whether or not she could tell me a secret and, foolishly, I said yes. She then said that she measures her waist every morning and for a long time she was stable at X inches but now she measures Y inches and therefore wants "to go completely hard core insane and be tiny." But she didn't say X and Y-- she gave me actual measurements!
That was triggering. I don't measure my waist so I don't know how big or small it is so it's not like I could compare myself to her, but I wanted to be able to compare myself to her. You may have noticed that I never use numbers on this blog-- no weights, no calories, no sizes. That's because I feel like those numbers are so emotionally-laden for me and (I'm guessing) for some of my readers that I don't think it does any good to share them. And I apply that principle to my life as well-- I don't tell my friends numbers because many of them have eating disorders as well and it would just fuel their disease. In the hospital we were not allowed to discuss numbers, and we continue to follow this rule even when we are not hospitalized. We don't need another avenue by which we can compare ourselves to others. Maybe she doesn't know about this rule because she has never been hospitalized. But I also think she just wasn't using common sense.
I didn't stand up for myself and ask her not to talk to me about numbers because (1) I am a people-pleaser, (2) she is really emotionally labile and I didn't want to upset her, and (3) I gave her permission to tell me a secret (although I didn't specifically give her permission to talk about numbers). I should have said something. I want to have said something, but I feel like the moment has passed and if I were to say anything now it would be making it into a bigger deal than I want it to be. Take a lesson, kids: be assertive in the moment!
Speaking of eating, one of my friends from my eating disorders group, SB, texted me in a panic about body image. She said she felt like she has eaten so much in the past week (including a binge on Saturday) and therefore thinks she has gained weight. Then she asked me whether or not she could tell me a secret and, foolishly, I said yes. She then said that she measures her waist every morning and for a long time she was stable at X inches but now she measures Y inches and therefore wants "to go completely hard core insane and be tiny." But she didn't say X and Y-- she gave me actual measurements!
That was triggering. I don't measure my waist so I don't know how big or small it is so it's not like I could compare myself to her, but I wanted to be able to compare myself to her. You may have noticed that I never use numbers on this blog-- no weights, no calories, no sizes. That's because I feel like those numbers are so emotionally-laden for me and (I'm guessing) for some of my readers that I don't think it does any good to share them. And I apply that principle to my life as well-- I don't tell my friends numbers because many of them have eating disorders as well and it would just fuel their disease. In the hospital we were not allowed to discuss numbers, and we continue to follow this rule even when we are not hospitalized. We don't need another avenue by which we can compare ourselves to others. Maybe she doesn't know about this rule because she has never been hospitalized. But I also think she just wasn't using common sense.
I didn't stand up for myself and ask her not to talk to me about numbers because (1) I am a people-pleaser, (2) she is really emotionally labile and I didn't want to upset her, and (3) I gave her permission to tell me a secret (although I didn't specifically give her permission to talk about numbers). I should have said something. I want to have said something, but I feel like the moment has passed and if I were to say anything now it would be making it into a bigger deal than I want it to be. Take a lesson, kids: be assertive in the moment!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Mad At Myself
Eating has not gone well yesterday and today. And I am so mad at myself. I had been doing so well since September and then all of a sudden everything has come crashing down. I am really afraid that I am going to get in the same habit I was in this time last year and that things will just spiral out of control. I told DD about it and she is whipping me into shape. Or at least she's trying to. I asked her, and she said that she would be okay if I were to send her an email or text message when I'm having a hard time so hopefully I will follow through on that instead of acting on behaviors.
This is so difficult. Sometimes it feels like it's too difficult.
Last night I went out to dinner with RH because I was unable to meet her for our weekly dinner on Wednesday because I was in the middle of a laxative episode. (I told her I was sick and she offered to bring me soup. I feel awful.) I told her about the news that I was graduating in May and she was very happy for me. Then I told her we only had 6 weeks of classes left and she got upset. She is really sad to be done with uni. Contrastingly, I cannot wait to be done with uni. These past four years have been the best of her life, whereas mine have been some of the worst in my life.
That saddens me. I should have been able to have a college experience-- I should have gone to parties, made out with a lot of boys, made great friends-- but I didn't. I will never have an opportunity to be an undergraduate again so there is no making up for it-- the opportunity has passed. I can only hope that my experience after uni will be better than my experience during uni. I honestly don't know what I'll do if it's not.
This is so difficult. Sometimes it feels like it's too difficult.
Last night I went out to dinner with RH because I was unable to meet her for our weekly dinner on Wednesday because I was in the middle of a laxative episode. (I told her I was sick and she offered to bring me soup. I feel awful.) I told her about the news that I was graduating in May and she was very happy for me. Then I told her we only had 6 weeks of classes left and she got upset. She is really sad to be done with uni. Contrastingly, I cannot wait to be done with uni. These past four years have been the best of her life, whereas mine have been some of the worst in my life.
That saddens me. I should have been able to have a college experience-- I should have gone to parties, made out with a lot of boys, made great friends-- but I didn't. I will never have an opportunity to be an undergraduate again so there is no making up for it-- the opportunity has passed. I can only hope that my experience after uni will be better than my experience during uni. I honestly don't know what I'll do if it's not.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Back On Track
I did it! Today I ate according to my meal plan! There were times when the eating disordered thoughts kicked in, but I reminded myself that indulging them will most likely lead to the awful experiences I have been having the past week or two, and I don't want to endure that again. Also, the pattern I was getting into was disturbingly similar to where I was this time last year, and I know that if I started to do that again I would once again plan to kill myself. Yes, it was that bad.
Speaking of last year, this week marks the anniversary of the intervention that got me sent to the hospital. (For a brief summary of my experiences there, check out this post.) And I must admit, I feel like I've come a long way. Today I ate three meals and a snack-- I could not have done that in March 2010. Back then I probably hadn't had a proper meal since I left treatment I left treatment in December 2009. And if we exclude my time in facilities, before now I hadn't eaten a meal since I was about 13. This past week demonstrates the fact that I am not perfect and that my behavior and thoughts are still influenced by my eating disorder, but most of the time I eat consistently and healthfully. I'm glad to be in a different stage in my life right now.
On a completely unrelated note, I saw on S's Facebook status that he was upset because several bad things had happened to him this week. So I texted him to see what was going on and to offer my support. Over the last week he got wait-listed at his preferred graduate school (he wants to get a master's degree in music), rejected from another, he wasn't chosen to play lead trumpet in a certain piece, and he didn't make it to the finals in the National Trumpet Competition. Poor baby!
But I must admit, there's a part of me that is pleased with the way things have turned out for him. Ever since middle school S has been the kind of person who gets great achievements by doing the absolute minimum-- he never worked for his successes because he was just naturally good at the trumpet and his parents are extremely wealthy. I wanted him to not get into his first choice school because, frankly, I'm jealous that I have had to work my ass off to get to where I am and he just gets everything he wants served to him on a platter. That may make me a bad person, but it's just not fair! I want justice, but nothing could possibly make up for what I've been through.
Speaking of last year, this week marks the anniversary of the intervention that got me sent to the hospital. (For a brief summary of my experiences there, check out this post.) And I must admit, I feel like I've come a long way. Today I ate three meals and a snack-- I could not have done that in March 2010. Back then I probably hadn't had a proper meal since I left treatment I left treatment in December 2009. And if we exclude my time in facilities, before now I hadn't eaten a meal since I was about 13. This past week demonstrates the fact that I am not perfect and that my behavior and thoughts are still influenced by my eating disorder, but most of the time I eat consistently and healthfully. I'm glad to be in a different stage in my life right now.
On a completely unrelated note, I saw on S's Facebook status that he was upset because several bad things had happened to him this week. So I texted him to see what was going on and to offer my support. Over the last week he got wait-listed at his preferred graduate school (he wants to get a master's degree in music), rejected from another, he wasn't chosen to play lead trumpet in a certain piece, and he didn't make it to the finals in the National Trumpet Competition. Poor baby!
But I must admit, there's a part of me that is pleased with the way things have turned out for him. Ever since middle school S has been the kind of person who gets great achievements by doing the absolute minimum-- he never worked for his successes because he was just naturally good at the trumpet and his parents are extremely wealthy. I wanted him to not get into his first choice school because, frankly, I'm jealous that I have had to work my ass off to get to where I am and he just gets everything he wants served to him on a platter. That may make me a bad person, but it's just not fair! I want justice, but nothing could possibly make up for what I've been through.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Improvement
Today was a marked improvement over yesterday and the past few days. [Warning: doody talk ahead.] Unfortunately yesterday I made the grave mistake of taking several laxative pills in the morning, and although it's allegedly supposed to pass through your system in 12 hours (which would have meant the pain should have passed by 8pm or so), it continued when I woke up this morning and I even had to make an emergency trip to the bathroom during class. And I really want to stress that when you abuse laxatives you don't just have a bowel movement, you have severe pain and cramping and sudden "urges." It is not fun.
But besides that, things were better. I didn't follow my meal plan, but I got a lot closer to it than I have in days. The reason I was able to do this was because I saw a relatively "friendly" number on the scale this morning. It's really amazing how that number influences my life so much. In fact, I could probably say that the last five years of my life have revolved around that number, which I find sad. But anyway, I am planning to follow my meal plan tomorrow and hopefully this two-week slip-up will come to an end.
But besides that, things were better. I didn't follow my meal plan, but I got a lot closer to it than I have in days. The reason I was able to do this was because I saw a relatively "friendly" number on the scale this morning. It's really amazing how that number influences my life so much. In fact, I could probably say that the last five years of my life have revolved around that number, which I find sad. But anyway, I am planning to follow my meal plan tomorrow and hopefully this two-week slip-up will come to an end.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Lying And Eating
I have been having a significantly hard time with eating these past few days. I haven't been able to follow my meal plan since Monday because of what I saw on the scale. It has been awful. I want to stop, but (and I know this is bad) I don't want to stop until I get back to the weight I was at before all of this nonsense started last week.
On Monday I had a session with D and I told him about my weight concerns. He said that he wanted me to get to a number that I feel more comfortable with, as long as it is within my weight range. But he said that in order to lose the weight I had to exercise instead of messing with my food. Well, that didn't happen. I was very surprised by D's advice-- most of the time when someone is anorexic everyone tells them to gain, gain, gain. Obviously telling an underweight person to lose weight is not healthy or productive, but that doesn't mean that a person can't be at the lower end of her weight range. And that's what we are going for.
Today I had my session with Dr. L, the woman at the uni counseling center that I have to check in with every month. I lied through my teeth. How is your depression? Fine! How is eating? Great! She said that I'm making her check-ins with me easy because she doesn't have to make any calls to anyone because I'm doing "so well." So basically if I hadn't lied then I would probably be on my way to the hospital right now. (No, things are not severe enough that I need a hospital, but it feels like whenever I am not perfect I get sent there.)
But then again, I don't know on what planet Dr. L or anyone is living if they think that I would be honest about struggling during the check-in. What is my incentive to tell someone that I'm struggling if telling someone that I'm struggling gets everything I want and value taken away from me (namely, uni)? Luckily D understands this and doesn't expect me to tell Dr. L the truth. The one catch is that I have to tell him the truth. But D is on my side and doesn't punish me for struggling, so telling him the truth is a lot easier. I'm really fortunate to have a guy like him in my life.
On Monday I had a session with D and I told him about my weight concerns. He said that he wanted me to get to a number that I feel more comfortable with, as long as it is within my weight range. But he said that in order to lose the weight I had to exercise instead of messing with my food. Well, that didn't happen. I was very surprised by D's advice-- most of the time when someone is anorexic everyone tells them to gain, gain, gain. Obviously telling an underweight person to lose weight is not healthy or productive, but that doesn't mean that a person can't be at the lower end of her weight range. And that's what we are going for.
Today I had my session with Dr. L, the woman at the uni counseling center that I have to check in with every month. I lied through my teeth. How is your depression? Fine! How is eating? Great! She said that I'm making her check-ins with me easy because she doesn't have to make any calls to anyone because I'm doing "so well." So basically if I hadn't lied then I would probably be on my way to the hospital right now. (No, things are not severe enough that I need a hospital, but it feels like whenever I am not perfect I get sent there.)
But then again, I don't know on what planet Dr. L or anyone is living if they think that I would be honest about struggling during the check-in. What is my incentive to tell someone that I'm struggling if telling someone that I'm struggling gets everything I want and value taken away from me (namely, uni)? Luckily D understands this and doesn't expect me to tell Dr. L the truth. The one catch is that I have to tell him the truth. But D is on my side and doesn't punish me for struggling, so telling him the truth is a lot easier. I'm really fortunate to have a guy like him in my life.
Monday, March 14, 2011
The Voice Is Loud
The past few days I have really been struggling with eating disordered thoughts. And behaviors too, for that matter. On Friday and Saturday I restricted because I wasn't pleased with my weight on Friday (not that I'm ever "pleased," but there are some numbers I can cope with better than others). But by Saturday night the eating disordered voice was screaming at me to call the business that delivers cookies and brownies, order everything, and then eat it all. I tried to just fall asleep to shut it up, but I couldn't do it. So instead I ate a small snack and that seemed to do the trick.
Then even though I followed my meal plan yesterday, after dinner the voice acted up again. I felt like I was literally going crazy-- that there was a tug-of-war going on in my brain between the eating disorder and the part of me that does not want to get back into the pattern I was in at this time last year (because I don't know how to stop that on my own). I wanted to pull out my hair. But eventually the thoughts subsided and I made it through the day following my meal plan.
Today the eating disordered voice has been screaming at me that I'm fat and disgusting and need to lose weight immediately. I didn't let this affect my behavior, but it's been hard to deal with.
I'm not sure what this sudden surge in urges is about, but it's really distressing. It seems, though, that there is at least a pattern: the voice screams at me in the morning and after dinner and whenever I'm hungry. I want to be skinnier, but there's the part of me that knows that if I venture down that path again I will lose everything that I have worked so hard for, specifically graduating from uni. But despite the extremely negative consequences of engaging in eating disordered behavior the thoughts are still there, and I sometimes give in. I've been burned so many times, yet still I play with fire. Sometimes I feel like I can't help myself.
Then even though I followed my meal plan yesterday, after dinner the voice acted up again. I felt like I was literally going crazy-- that there was a tug-of-war going on in my brain between the eating disorder and the part of me that does not want to get back into the pattern I was in at this time last year (because I don't know how to stop that on my own). I wanted to pull out my hair. But eventually the thoughts subsided and I made it through the day following my meal plan.
Today the eating disordered voice has been screaming at me that I'm fat and disgusting and need to lose weight immediately. I didn't let this affect my behavior, but it's been hard to deal with.
I'm not sure what this sudden surge in urges is about, but it's really distressing. It seems, though, that there is at least a pattern: the voice screams at me in the morning and after dinner and whenever I'm hungry. I want to be skinnier, but there's the part of me that knows that if I venture down that path again I will lose everything that I have worked so hard for, specifically graduating from uni. But despite the extremely negative consequences of engaging in eating disordered behavior the thoughts are still there, and I sometimes give in. I've been burned so many times, yet still I play with fire. Sometimes I feel like I can't help myself.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Invalidated By My Sisters
I have been feeling pretty depressed the past few days-- ever since my sessions with Dr. N and D on Friday. I want to say that I have felt numb, but that's not accurate; I have felt down, but at the same time I have been immune to other feelings. For example, in group on Saturday D said that the group would miss me when I'm back at uni (I arrived here last night), and then he asked how I felt hearing that, and I said I felt nothing. It's like the only thing I can feel is my depression. And the thoughts about trains have not gone away.
In other news, ten days ago I sent an email telling my sisters the news about my graduation: that I will be walking in the ceremony this May and I'll be done with school in December. I also mentioned the date of the graduation ceremony and asked them to "save the date." I have not gotten a reply. And when I brought the subject up with A when I had dinner with her on Thursday ("A, did I tell you that I'm graduating this May and finishing up college in December?") she said "Yeah, I got the email." And that was it.
I feel extremely invalidated. Either my sisters don't understand how much of a, excuse my language, fucking struggle it has been for me to get to this point, or they just don't care. I have taken three semesters of medical leave from uni, yet I am still graduating on time. This is a big deal. Plus, the time that I have spent at uni hasn't been what someone would call "easy"; I have been battling and at times crippled by severe depression and an eating disorder the whole time. I don't get it-- they were present at the intervention last year (in fact, it will be a year since the intervention in two days) so they should be cognizant of the fact that I almost died. And because I haven't gotten a response from my sisters, I don't even know whether they are going to come to the graduation ceremony or not. I asked my mom and she said that neither of them have mentioned it to her. I feel really hurt. I feel proud of myself for having done what I have done, but it would also feel nice if my sisters-- one of whom I consider to be one of my best friends-- could feel proud too.
In other news, ten days ago I sent an email telling my sisters the news about my graduation: that I will be walking in the ceremony this May and I'll be done with school in December. I also mentioned the date of the graduation ceremony and asked them to "save the date." I have not gotten a reply. And when I brought the subject up with A when I had dinner with her on Thursday ("A, did I tell you that I'm graduating this May and finishing up college in December?") she said "Yeah, I got the email." And that was it.
I feel extremely invalidated. Either my sisters don't understand how much of a, excuse my language, fucking struggle it has been for me to get to this point, or they just don't care. I have taken three semesters of medical leave from uni, yet I am still graduating on time. This is a big deal. Plus, the time that I have spent at uni hasn't been what someone would call "easy"; I have been battling and at times crippled by severe depression and an eating disorder the whole time. I don't get it-- they were present at the intervention last year (in fact, it will be a year since the intervention in two days) so they should be cognizant of the fact that I almost died. And because I haven't gotten a response from my sisters, I don't even know whether they are going to come to the graduation ceremony or not. I asked my mom and she said that neither of them have mentioned it to her. I feel really hurt. I feel proud of myself for having done what I have done, but it would also feel nice if my sisters-- one of whom I consider to be one of my best friends-- could feel proud too.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Relationships And Trains
Today I had a session with Dr. N. We talked a lot about the date that I went on two weeks ago, and about my relationships. I told her that most of the time I prefer to be alone, but that there are moments in the day when I wish that I had a boyfriend. Actually, this week I've had a few of those moments, so I decided to contact one of the guys that I met through OkCupid when I used the site in January (not the same guy I went on the date with-- a new guy). We've been talking a bit. He's in medical school, and I like the fact that he's a student too and therefore knows that studying takes up a lot of time. I guess we'll see where this goes.
At the end of the session, Dr. N asked me if I had been having any suicidal thoughts. I told her that often when I'm in my dorm room I look over to my door and picture me hanging myself. And that whenever I see a train I contemplate jumping in front of it. She asked me "Why trains? Why not cars or buses?" to which I replied "You're more likely to die from a train."
A few hours later I was talking to DD and told her what I had said to Dr. N. She then told me that one of the boys that was in the hospital with us (and who had a big crush on DD) attempted suicide, coincidentally, by jumping in front of a car. He was injured, but not killed.
On top of all this, on Wednesday evening I went out to coffee with my friend HK and he informed me that three people from our high school class are dead-- one from a car accident, another from a knife fight, and he wasn't sure of the third one. I immediately began to think about how at several times I have come very close to being the fourth one to die and how there are times when I really want to be the fourth one.
It's funny-- even when things aren't so terrible in my life (like when I'm not feeling as depressed as usual) I still think of ending it. It feels like somewhere along the line the wires in my brain got crossed and that instead of having the instinct that causes people to struggle to stay alive I have an instinct to want to die.
At the end of the session, Dr. N asked me if I had been having any suicidal thoughts. I told her that often when I'm in my dorm room I look over to my door and picture me hanging myself. And that whenever I see a train I contemplate jumping in front of it. She asked me "Why trains? Why not cars or buses?" to which I replied "You're more likely to die from a train."
A few hours later I was talking to DD and told her what I had said to Dr. N. She then told me that one of the boys that was in the hospital with us (and who had a big crush on DD) attempted suicide, coincidentally, by jumping in front of a car. He was injured, but not killed.
On top of all this, on Wednesday evening I went out to coffee with my friend HK and he informed me that three people from our high school class are dead-- one from a car accident, another from a knife fight, and he wasn't sure of the third one. I immediately began to think about how at several times I have come very close to being the fourth one to die and how there are times when I really want to be the fourth one.
It's funny-- even when things aren't so terrible in my life (like when I'm not feeling as depressed as usual) I still think of ending it. It feels like somewhere along the line the wires in my brain got crossed and that instead of having the instinct that causes people to struggle to stay alive I have an instinct to want to die.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Good Time With A
This morning I awoke to a text message from SB telling me that she was sick and therefore couldn't make our outing today. I'm not sure whether or not I buy her excuse, but it doesn't matter-- I was glad she canceled anyway. Firstly, my social anxiety spikes whenever I have plans and often when they fall through I feel relieved. Secondly, I've been really tired all week and I just want to rest. Thirdly, she wanted to see The Adjustment Bureau, which is not my type of movie. So instead of going into the city to see her I went to see The King's Speech, the movie that won Best Picture at the Oscars this year, and I am pleased with the way things turned out. I enjoyed the movie, and I didn't have to travel to go see it. It was a low-key way to spend the day.
But this evening I went into the city to follow through on my plans for dinner with my sister, A. I had been really nervous about it all day because I didn't know where we would eat and therefore I couldn't plan my meal in advance. But we had an excellent time. I considered canceling our plans because I wouldn't be in the city, but I decided to go through with it and I'm glad I did.
Although, now I am really nervous about what the scale will say tomorrow. Sigh.
But this evening I went into the city to follow through on my plans for dinner with my sister, A. I had been really nervous about it all day because I didn't know where we would eat and therefore I couldn't plan my meal in advance. But we had an excellent time. I considered canceling our plans because I wouldn't be in the city, but I decided to go through with it and I'm glad I did.
Although, now I am really nervous about what the scale will say tomorrow. Sigh.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Big
My four year old dog weighs about 12 pounds. She's a chihuahua-rat terrier mix. She's small. But I affectionately call her "big girl", "big bear", and "biggie". Today when I was calling her one of these names a thought came to my head: at exactly what point in life does "big" become an insult?
Parents and grandparents tell their children how big they are getting, and the children respond to this favorably; they like and are excited to hear that they are getting bigger. But at some point telling someone they are big is a faux pas and sometimes considered mean (it may be less offensive for men, I don't know). When does that happen?
For me, as long as I can remember I have been sensitive to being called big. Granted, I am and have always been a very small person-- I am short and I have never been overweight-- so I haven't been called big that often, but even hearing that I look "healthy" has always stung.
Readers, have any of you noticed this? At what point do you think your view on "big" changed (if it has changed at all)?
Parents and grandparents tell their children how big they are getting, and the children respond to this favorably; they like and are excited to hear that they are getting bigger. But at some point telling someone they are big is a faux pas and sometimes considered mean (it may be less offensive for men, I don't know). When does that happen?
For me, as long as I can remember I have been sensitive to being called big. Granted, I am and have always been a very small person-- I am short and I have never been overweight-- so I haven't been called big that often, but even hearing that I look "healthy" has always stung.
Readers, have any of you noticed this? At what point do you think your view on "big" changed (if it has changed at all)?
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Sleeping Beauty (Minus The Beauty)
I didn't post yesterday because I was asleep. I was literally asleep all day. I woke up to have meals and such, but honestly I was unconscious for probably about 18 of the 24 hours in the day. I have been so tired at uni-- constantly moving, becoming emotionally exhausted from the pressure, and mentally exhausted from studying so much-- that I think I really needed to recharge.
But because I've slept for so long, I feel like my spring break is just being frittered away. But actually starting tomorrow I have social engagements, so maybe I'll feel more productive. Like I mentioned on Saturday, I was supposed to visit S at his school tomorrow (and sleep over into Thursday) but I have decided not to go. Firstly, I just don't have the energy to do the things that going to his city would require: transportation and socializing (it's a serious commute). Secondly, I really don't want to have sex. You can read why here. So I've chosen not to go.
But tomorrow I have plans to see HK in the evening to grab tea. And on Thursday, as I mentioned on Saturday, I'm going into the city to see a movie with SB, my friend from group, and then after that I'm having dinner with my sister, A. I'm nervous for the dinner because I'm always nervous when I eat food that I can't control, but I don't want to let my eating disorder ruin what could be a really fun evening with my sister.
So things look like they are picking up a bit, which could be a good thing. But somehow I am still exhausted, and thus it's going to take a formidable effort to get myself to go through with my plans.
But because I've slept for so long, I feel like my spring break is just being frittered away. But actually starting tomorrow I have social engagements, so maybe I'll feel more productive. Like I mentioned on Saturday, I was supposed to visit S at his school tomorrow (and sleep over into Thursday) but I have decided not to go. Firstly, I just don't have the energy to do the things that going to his city would require: transportation and socializing (it's a serious commute). Secondly, I really don't want to have sex. You can read why here. So I've chosen not to go.
But tomorrow I have plans to see HK in the evening to grab tea. And on Thursday, as I mentioned on Saturday, I'm going into the city to see a movie with SB, my friend from group, and then after that I'm having dinner with my sister, A. I'm nervous for the dinner because I'm always nervous when I eat food that I can't control, but I don't want to let my eating disorder ruin what could be a really fun evening with my sister.
So things look like they are picking up a bit, which could be a good thing. But somehow I am still exhausted, and thus it's going to take a formidable effort to get myself to go through with my plans.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Expected To Fail
Remember last week when I wrote about how I don't like it when my parents tell their friends about my eating disorder and that I always feel awkward and self-conscious around them because I don't know what they know? Well, today I had an experience with this that was quite possibly one of the most hurtful things ever.
My parents are friends with a couple that live right down the street from us, and because they were on vacation my mom was collecting their mail. Today the husband came by to pick up the mail and his birthday present (banana bread-- his present is that every month my mom bakes him something), and because I had helped my mom bake his birthday present I said hello and wished him a happy birthday. Then I went into the next room over and I hear whispering: "Why is NOS home? Did she have to go to the hospital again?"
Wow. How offensive. Not only had my parents told their friend about my issues, but they obviously told him that I had been hospitalized. But the worst thing is that he expected me to relapse and take another leave from uni. I guess people assume I will fail because I have failed so many times in the past.
And it's true-- if we are projecting the future based on the past, then I will fail. But I have to believe this time is different. In about a month and a half I will have followed my meal plan for a year, and this has been the first year since I was 13 that I have eaten regularly (of course, I've had bad days, but the good days (in terms of eating) far outnumber them). I want to be in recovery, and I'm doing my best to make that happen.
My parents are friends with a couple that live right down the street from us, and because they were on vacation my mom was collecting their mail. Today the husband came by to pick up the mail and his birthday present (banana bread-- his present is that every month my mom bakes him something), and because I had helped my mom bake his birthday present I said hello and wished him a happy birthday. Then I went into the next room over and I hear whispering: "Why is NOS home? Did she have to go to the hospital again?"
Wow. How offensive. Not only had my parents told their friend about my issues, but they obviously told him that I had been hospitalized. But the worst thing is that he expected me to relapse and take another leave from uni. I guess people assume I will fail because I have failed so many times in the past.
And it's true-- if we are projecting the future based on the past, then I will fail. But I have to believe this time is different. In about a month and a half I will have followed my meal plan for a year, and this has been the first year since I was 13 that I have eaten regularly (of course, I've had bad days, but the good days (in terms of eating) far outnumber them). I want to be in recovery, and I'm doing my best to make that happen.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Spring Break
Today I managed to get back on track with my eating, but the I spent the whole day worrying about my weight. Tonight my parents and I went out to dinner, and although I have eaten at that particular restaurant several times and I always get the same thing it was really scary. I still judge my worth by the number on the scale, and I'm afraid that what I ate tonight will change that number, and thus change how I view myself.
Today was also my first official day of spring break. I'm so tired that all I want to do is sleep, but people are vying for my time. S wants me to visit him at his school. I don't want to go because I know that it's basically a long-distance booty call for him, but I feel obligated because he has visited me at my school (even though my school is on the way from our hometown to his school). And I feel like if I don't come through for him I will jeopardize our "friendship," and I really can't afford to lose any of the few friends I have.
Also, one of my friends from group, SB, wants me to visit her at her school as well. That trip is not as much of a schlep as the trip to S's school, but I still don't want to go. But on the bright side, my sisters live in the same city as my friend, so it's possible that after my friend and I are done with our plans I will be able to get dinner and hang out with A.
In addition to these social engagements, I also have group, D, an appointment with Dr. N, and a haircut. It looks like it's going to be a busy week, which is kind of disappointing. I was hoping that I would be able to catch up on my relaxing, but it seems that this week is going to be only slightly less hectic than when I'm not on break.
Today was also my first official day of spring break. I'm so tired that all I want to do is sleep, but people are vying for my time. S wants me to visit him at his school. I don't want to go because I know that it's basically a long-distance booty call for him, but I feel obligated because he has visited me at my school (even though my school is on the way from our hometown to his school). And I feel like if I don't come through for him I will jeopardize our "friendship," and I really can't afford to lose any of the few friends I have.
Also, one of my friends from group, SB, wants me to visit her at her school as well. That trip is not as much of a schlep as the trip to S's school, but I still don't want to go. But on the bright side, my sisters live in the same city as my friend, so it's possible that after my friend and I are done with our plans I will be able to get dinner and hang out with A.
In addition to these social engagements, I also have group, D, an appointment with Dr. N, and a haircut. It looks like it's going to be a busy week, which is kind of disappointing. I was hoping that I would be able to catch up on my relaxing, but it seems that this week is going to be only slightly less hectic than when I'm not on break.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Past The Halfway Point
Just as I predicted, last night was not a good night. I spent the hours of 2am-9am doubled over in pain, sitting on the toilet paying for my mistake. (Kids: don't abuse laxatives.) I almost missed my Medical Sociology class this morning, but I guess the laxatives finished doing their damage just in time. I never want to go through what I went through last night again-- it was not pleasant at all. That being said, I did a lot better with my eating today even though I didn't meet the requirements of my meal plan. But I suspect that tomorrow I will be back on track because my "episodes" seem to come in two- or three-day chunks. I have mixed feelings about eating again because of the body image and other issues that I mentioned yesterday, but I'm trying to keep my long-term goals in mind and tell myself that the temporary highs I would experience while restricting would inevitably lead to lows so severe that my world would fall apart entirely.
Speaking of long-term goals, I am getting closer to meeting some of them. First, I scheduled an appointment with my uni advisor to discuss graduating in December 2011 (nine months from now!) instead of May 2012, and she said that I can do it if I take a course over the summer and then four courses in the fall, which was what I was planning to do anyway. So because I'm graduating during the winter I get to walk in the graduation ceremony this May! This is kind of a big deal for me-- I missed my high school graduation because I was in treatment in another state and couldn't leave, so this will be the first time I will ever sport a cap and gown. I'm really glad that I get to walk with the people with whom I entered uni. It makes me feel less terrible about myself.
Second, I am past the halfway point in the semester-- I have seven weeks, five exams, three papers, and one presentation to go. And as another landmark, today I came home for my spring break. I have already encountered some eating obstacles. When I opened the refrigerator to find some Seltzer I saw that there was an almost-full can of icing; in addition my sister M sent my parents a basket of iced sugar cookies because they took care of her dog when she was on vacation these past two weeks. I can't get rid of the cookies, but I think I am going to throw out the icing just to remove the temptation to binge and purge (using laxatives). I feel bad about wasting food, but I figure it's better than making myself sick, right?
Speaking of long-term goals, I am getting closer to meeting some of them. First, I scheduled an appointment with my uni advisor to discuss graduating in December 2011 (nine months from now!) instead of May 2012, and she said that I can do it if I take a course over the summer and then four courses in the fall, which was what I was planning to do anyway. So because I'm graduating during the winter I get to walk in the graduation ceremony this May! This is kind of a big deal for me-- I missed my high school graduation because I was in treatment in another state and couldn't leave, so this will be the first time I will ever sport a cap and gown. I'm really glad that I get to walk with the people with whom I entered uni. It makes me feel less terrible about myself.
Second, I am past the halfway point in the semester-- I have seven weeks, five exams, three papers, and one presentation to go. And as another landmark, today I came home for my spring break. I have already encountered some eating obstacles. When I opened the refrigerator to find some Seltzer I saw that there was an almost-full can of icing; in addition my sister M sent my parents a basket of iced sugar cookies because they took care of her dog when she was on vacation these past two weeks. I can't get rid of the cookies, but I think I am going to throw out the icing just to remove the temptation to binge and purge (using laxatives). I feel bad about wasting food, but I figure it's better than making myself sick, right?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Hello Laxatives, My Old Friend
I know I haven't published a "normal" post in a few days (although you really should listen to the song I posted earlier), but I have just felt so awful that I couldn't muster the energy to write a few paragraphs. We are now resuming regular programming.
It's been a hard couple of days. For one thing, I'm having a really tough time with body image. Whenever I go to class I see people who either have some sort of eating disorder or are just alarmingly thin and I feel jealous. I want to be alarmingly thin. I don't want to use numbers on this blog because I don't think it helps anyone, but before my first time in treatment I was alarmingly thin. I remember when I went to treatment for the first time during my senior year of high school I wrote a letter to my friend JA telling her where I was and why I was there. Her response? "I know." She then went on to describe a moment in which I apparently wasn't wearing my usual baggy hooded sweatshirt to school and she was trying to get my attention so she grabbed my elbow, and, according to her, "all [she] felt were bones." I want that again. I want to just be a sack of bones.
As a result of this body image issue becoming more prevalent, my eating has been off. And, what's worse, is that this morning I just used laxatives for the first time since last March. And when I use laxatives I abuse them-- I take half of a pack. I haven't felt the effects of it yet, but I know sometime in the very near future I will be a cramping mess sitting on the toilet all night. (Sorry for the grossness.) Why did I do it? I had to get all of the food out of my body, and I had to get it out immediately. Laxative abuse is a form of purging. And it is no fun.
Sometimes I want to just throw in the towel. Throw my hands up in the air and be done with trying to be in recovery and just resume my life of starvation and laxative abuse. It's so difficult for me to see the extremely thin girls in my classes-- I'm jealous of how they look and how people look at them (or at least how I think people look at them, which is to say that they are thinking that these girls have eating disorders and deserve care and attention). Right now I am literally a nobody. I have one friend on campus: RH. If I were to die nobody would notice for several days. But if I'm sickly thin, then I'm somebody-- people will notice me.
But even though I want to give up at times, I have another, albeit quiet, voice that reminds me of how much my eating disorder has taken away from me in the last five years and how much it could take away from me in the future. So I hang on as well as I can.
It's been a hard couple of days. For one thing, I'm having a really tough time with body image. Whenever I go to class I see people who either have some sort of eating disorder or are just alarmingly thin and I feel jealous. I want to be alarmingly thin. I don't want to use numbers on this blog because I don't think it helps anyone, but before my first time in treatment I was alarmingly thin. I remember when I went to treatment for the first time during my senior year of high school I wrote a letter to my friend JA telling her where I was and why I was there. Her response? "I know." She then went on to describe a moment in which I apparently wasn't wearing my usual baggy hooded sweatshirt to school and she was trying to get my attention so she grabbed my elbow, and, according to her, "all [she] felt were bones." I want that again. I want to just be a sack of bones.
As a result of this body image issue becoming more prevalent, my eating has been off. And, what's worse, is that this morning I just used laxatives for the first time since last March. And when I use laxatives I abuse them-- I take half of a pack. I haven't felt the effects of it yet, but I know sometime in the very near future I will be a cramping mess sitting on the toilet all night. (Sorry for the grossness.) Why did I do it? I had to get all of the food out of my body, and I had to get it out immediately. Laxative abuse is a form of purging. And it is no fun.
Sometimes I want to just throw in the towel. Throw my hands up in the air and be done with trying to be in recovery and just resume my life of starvation and laxative abuse. It's so difficult for me to see the extremely thin girls in my classes-- I'm jealous of how they look and how people look at them (or at least how I think people look at them, which is to say that they are thinking that these girls have eating disorders and deserve care and attention). Right now I am literally a nobody. I have one friend on campus: RH. If I were to die nobody would notice for several days. But if I'm sickly thin, then I'm somebody-- people will notice me.
But even though I want to give up at times, I have another, albeit quiet, voice that reminds me of how much my eating disorder has taken away from me in the last five years and how much it could take away from me in the future. So I hang on as well as I can.
Walking In Space
Walking in Space, Hair
Doors locked
Blinds pulled
Lights low
Flames high
My body
My body
Is walking in space
My soul is in orbit
With god face to face
Floating, flipping
Flying, tripping
Tripping from Pottsville to Starlight
Tripping from Starlight to Moonville
Red, black
Blue, brown
Yellow, crimson
Green, orange
Purple, pink
Violet, white
White, white
White, white
White, white
All the clouds are cumuloft
Walking in space
Oh my god your skin is soft
I love your face
How dare they try to end this beauty?
How dare they try to end this beauty?
To keep us under foot
They bury us in soot
Pretending it's a chore
To ship us off to war
In this dive we rediscover sensation
In this dive we rediscover sensation
Walking in space
We find the purpose of peace
The beauty of life
You can no longer hide
Our eyes are open
Wide
Lights low
Flames high
My body
My body
Is walking in space
My soul is in orbit
With god face to face
Floating, flipping
Flying, tripping
Tripping from Pottsville to Starlight
Tripping from Starlight to Moonville
Red, black
Blue, brown
Yellow, crimson
Green, orange
Purple, pink
Violet, white
White, white
White, white
White, white
All the clouds are cumuloft
Walking in space
Oh my god your skin is soft
I love your face
How dare they try to end this beauty?
How dare they try to end this beauty?
To keep us under foot
They bury us in soot
Pretending it's a chore
To ship us off to war
In this dive we rediscover sensation
In this dive we rediscover sensation
Walking in space
We find the purpose of peace
The beauty of life
You can no longer hide
Our eyes are open
Wide
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