The Next Step

Tonight after rehearsal, the wind ensemble arranged for a potluck snack.  I had been anxious about it for a while because I knew that I would be faced with a situation where there would be food and that I would have to eat in order not to stand out.  Well, it turned out not to be a big deal in terms of eating-- I just filled a cup with Diet Coke and nursed that for a while instead of eating the food.  (I have all intentions of eating my snack tonight, but I just didn't want to eat the food there because it would not have felt "safe" for me.)

The potluck only lasted about a half hour, which was kind of disappointing.  I was really hoping to develop some friendships among the other musicians, but it didn't feel like there was enough time to do that.  You see, I'm excellent at making acquaintances-- I'm nice and friendly and I know how to conduct a conversation-- but I'm not as good at making friends.  It's really hard for me to take the next step.  Ever since my experience when I was fourteen I have been afraid to take the necessary steps in order to make a friend in fear of coming on too strong or too fast and being "clingy, annoying, and obnoxious."  And I guess I'm also afraid of rejection.  So I remain alone.

But it's interesting-- I don't feel lonely all of the time.  Yes, there are times when I want to have something to do besides play Scrabble online on a Saturday night (although this Saturday night I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time and now I'm obsessed-- I love Tim Curry in general, and to see him as a transvestite was even better).  But to be honest, most of the time I'm okay with being by myself.  I have friends from treatment and the hospital who can listen to me when I need someone to listen (a majority of the time it is DD), and usually that's enough.  Don't get me wrong, there are times when the loneliness is palpable, but maybe I am just a reclusive person.  I just don't want to die alone.

Who Knows?

My eating disorder has disrupted my life significantly, and I have always been conscious of the fact that my illness's impact has gone beyond myself.  Specifically, my eating disorder has also disrupted my sisters' and my parents' lives too.  And just as I need other people to help me cope with what happens with me, so too do they need someone with whom to process.

But I don't like that.  I don't like the fact that they have told people about my eating disorder-- people I may or may not know.  In these instances, I have no control over who knows about my problems, and that's not something I am okay with.  But I can't issue a gag order on my family, so I have to somehow cope.

 But it always leaves me wondering-- who knows what?  Which of my sisters' friends know that I have "issues"?  Which of my parents' friends know that I've been hospitalized several times?  Who in my family knows about my eating disorder?  I don't know the answer to these questions, nor do I want to bring this subject up with my family members.  So I remain uncertain.

At times I feel like my eating disorder is the pink elephant in the room-- that everyone knows about it but no one talks about it.  And that makes me uncomfortable because I'm left to mind read and guess what others are thinking.  But I'm not about to bring it up as chitchat fodder at family brunches.  So whenever I meet my sisters' or parents' friends and whenever I am at a family function I am left guessing if they know and what they are thinking.  And no matter what I end up feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious.

Date Recap

Last night was my date, and it went okay.  He was an incredibly verbose person-- I'd say he did 90% of the talking, and that was fine with me.  You see, a cause and consequence of my social anxiety is that often when I speak, the words I'm thinking in my head don't necessarily match what comes out of my mouth.  So I feel like I come off as dumb (this may or may not be a distortion, I don't know).  When I'm meeting new people, when I'm participating in class, when I'm uncomfortable, and whenever the stakes are high I just speak poorly.  So I tried to steer the conversation in his direction.  He also seemed a little, well, therapy-obsessed.  Most of the conversation was about his philosophy on life and about finding happiness and the steps he has had to make to make him happy.  He was kind of emotionally slutty.

Although he was nice and pretty cute too, there will not be a second date.  He asked me out on one, but I said that I honestly didn't think that I could have a romantic relationship in my life right now because I wouldn't have enough time to really commit myself to it, and that's not fair to him.  The good news is that I didn't give him my last name or my telephone number, so basically all I have to do is ignore his messages on okcupid and I'll be okay.

On Friday I also had a therapy session with D and it was really helpful.  I told him about the binge thoughts I've been experiencing and my increased hunger in general.  He said that because it's almost been a year since I have really treated my body badly (of course, I've had bad days, but the good days far outnumber them) my metabolism may be turning back on.  He said that in his experience he has seen that with any addiction-- alcohol, drugs, or an eating disorder-- it takes about one year for the body to recover.  That's a really exciting prospect for me-- I really do want my metabolism back.  After putting your body in starvation mode (in which I have been for almost ten years), it tends to cling to fat and store it because it's not sure when the next meal will be.  I want my body to learn that it doesn't have to do that anymore.

I told D my idea about adding an apple to my meal plan to help ward off the binge thoughts, but I told him that that is an incredibly scary thing for me to do.  I'm afraid of the calories in an apple-- how ridiculous is that?  Of course, I can recognize it as ridiculous, but that doesn't change the fact that I still believe it could make me gain weight.  Eating disorders =/= rational.  So anyway, we came up with a plan: I am going to start with eating only half an apple after dinner and maybe we'll work our way up from there.  Although this plan is still scary to me, it's a lot less threatening than eating a whole apple.  Baby steps.

Hunger

Ever since last Tuesday I have been struggling really badly with binge thoughts-- basically every night I get hungry and I'm afraid to eat anything outside of my meal plan, so then I feel like eating everything.  Tonight the thoughts were incredibly strong.  I think it may have been triggered by eating dinner a little later than I usually do because it wasn't until after dinner that I began feeling the urges.  So I had a choice: I could call up this company that delivers fresh-baked cookies, cupcakes, and brownies or I could eat my nighttime snack very early and hope that it would ward off the hunger for the rest of the night.  I chose the latter.  I thought to myself that if I binged tonight I would have to "make up for it" by fasting tomorrow, and that can't happen for two reasons: 1) that will just lead to more hunger and more binges and I do not want to start that cycle, and 2) I have my date tomorrow and binging tonight and fasting tomorrow would be too emotionally and physically taxing and I would have to cancel, and if I cancel then I would completely blow my chances with this guy.  So I have made it through the night.  So far.

I'm considering adding another item to my meal plan.  That prospect is incredibly scary to me, but eating an extra apple every day is probably better in the long run than starting a cycle of binging and fasting and restricting.  An apple a day won't make me gain weight, right?  Right?

Half Way

Today turned out to be a lot better than I expected it to be.  I had my Medical Sociology midterm this morning and it was really easy!  There were only three questions that I wasn't sure of the answer, but the rest I'm almost certain I got right.  When the exam was over I felt a bit of relief.  I am officially done with exams until after spring break (which is less than a week and a half away).  I am also at the half-way point in the semester.  Just seven and a half weeks to go.

This evening I had dinner plans with my friend RH.  Honestly, I was hoping that she would forget about our plans so I wouldn't have to go out with her.  It's not that I don't like her, it's just that I'm more comfortable with the food I prepare for myself.  And to add to the anxiety, I didn't know where we were going to eat so I couldn't plan out my meal like I usually do.  On top of that, she blindsided me and brought along two of her friends-- people I didn't know.  Things turned out fine, although both of her friends barely ate anything and that was hard for me to see.  I let it affect my eating a little bit, but also because I was unsure about the caloric value of what I was eating I erred on the side of "safety," which means I ate less than I probably should have eaten.  But overall I think the dinner went okay.

In other news, I have a date this Friday!  Sometime in January I signed up for okcupid, and I started talking to this boy.  When I came to uni I was so wrapped up with work and activities that I didn't have time to attend to the site, so the boy and I lost contact for over a month.  Yesterday, inspired by my sister A, I went back on the site and I saw he left me a message that day saying that he's still interested in seeing me.  So I agreed to meet him for coffee this Friday.  We'll see how that goes.

It's amazing how now that midterms are over my mood has lifted significantly.  I know that it's only been less than a day, but since my exam was over I have had no suicidal thoughts which is a marked improvement.  This just makes me look forward to graduation even more.

Grandma

In my Cognitive Psychology class we are currently learning about memory, and today we watched a movie about memory and amnesia and other related things.  It took every ounce of self-control not to cry.  One of the topics that was covered in the movie was Alzheimer's Disease, and that's a subject that affects me greatly.  Several years ago my mom's stepmom-- my grandma-- was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and I had to watch as her mind withered away while her body stayed as it was.  At first she just forgot a lot of things, like her recipe for her famous (well, at least they were famous in our family) mandelbread cookies, but then she began to forget people.  One day she woke up and turned to my grandpa and said "Are you the [insert grandpa's name here] I've been married to all these years?"

My grandpa had diabetes, and my grandma was the one who took care of him.  Soon she couldn't do that, so both of my grandparents moved into a nursing home.  I remember there was a note on the inside of the front door that said "[grandma], please kiss [grandpa] goodbye before you go out" because she had taken to leaving the room and wandering around the home and the parking lot and he wanted to make sure she didn't wander away.

Eventually my grandma's illness was too much for my grandpa and for the nursing home to handle, so she moved into a special nursing home exclusively for Alzheimer's patients while my grandpa stayed in a nursing home a block away.  This killed him; he was separated from the woman he loved.  He visited her every day, but living a block away from your wife is different from sleeping next to her.

My grandma continued to deteriorate to the point where she couldn't remember anyone or anything, she could barely eat, and she couldn't form coherent sentences.  She died on April 14, 2006.  This happened to be the same day I checked into eating disorder treatment for the first time, and my mom and dad were there to sign me in (I was 17 at the time and couldn't sign papers myself).  They weren't with my grandma as she passed away-- they were with me.  Her funeral was two days later, and I couldn't go because I couldn't leave treatment.

I am plagued with guilt about my grandma's last years of life and her death.  I was not the granddaughter that I should have been-- I selfishly avoided seeing her because it pained me so much to see the woman who used to take me on day trips and pick me up from school when I was sick turn into a non-functioning being.  The worst part, though, is that I didn't even know she was on the brink of death that April.  I was so consumed with my eating disorder that I didn't pay attention to the fact that I was about to lose someone very important to me.  This is another thing that this disease has taken away from me.

I know this is a longer post than I usually write, but I feel my grandma's story is important-- or at least it means a lot to me.  I miss her (and my grandpa) very much.

A Coma Looks Good

I didn't post yesterday because I literally spent the entire day studying and I had nothing to say.  I also spent all of Saturday studying.  I hate this.  All I do is study-- I never have time for myself.  It's not that I have so many personal interests and hobbies, it's just that I don't want to be memorizing facts about health insurance and the medical profession for 14 hours each day.  During my session with D today he asked me what I would do if I had free time.  I said "Sleep."

Then we started talking about needs.  He pointed out that my basic needs are being met-- I eat, sleep, shower, and brush my teeth-- but my higher needs are not.  He asked me what I needed and I said "To be in a coma."  Really, that's what I want.  I want to just remove myself from my life and slip into unconsciousness so I won't have to deal with anything.  Coma patients don't have to take midterms.  They don't have to go to class and pay attention.  They don't have to get dressed in the morning.  They don't have to put on a happy face so that no one suspects depression.  They basically don't have to exist.

D said that I should pay attention to my needs this week, but in a positive way.  Meaning instead of focusing on what I don't need (not to be conscious) that I should instead think about what I do need.  I can think of a ton of things I don't need but only one thing I do need: friends.  But that doesn't look like it's happening.

I've also been having thoughts about hanging myself the past few days.  I have no intent, don't worry, but sometimes it looks really enticing.  I could just end all of this crap.

Clearly I'm depressed.

Double Depression

My appointment with Dr. N yesterday was pretty depressing.  I asked her if we could discuss changing my I'mNotSickButI'mNotWellbutrin because in the past week I forgot to take it when I woke up and when I went to class on those days I felt like my brain was less cloudy than usual, and my mood wasn't bad either (I eventually took the meds later in the day when I remembered).  She said that that was surprising because she often prescribes Wellbutrin to children who have trouble focusing.  I said that maybe it was just a coincidence and maybe the Wellbutrin isn't really affecting my ability to concentrate, but since I experienced that effect twice I wanted to see if we could consider another drug.  She obliged me, and we went over all of the meds that I have been on in the past.  After consulting the list, she said to me that there were literally no other medications out there-- that I have been on everything, literally.  That was really hard to hear.  So we decided not to mess with my current dose or cocktail because things are going relatively well.  And by "we" I mean "she."

She also told me that not only do I have depression, I have double depression, meaning that I have major depressive disorder on top of dysthymia.  And she doesn't think meds will help me-- only "intensive therapy" will make a dent in my disease.  I told her that I have already been in intensive therapy and that I'm still (doubly) depressed, but she said that I haven't really experienced intensive therapy.  Then what have I been doing for the past five years, a good chunk of which I spent in treatment where I attended groups every day and individual therapy three times a week?  I think because she considers herself a psychoanalyst her idea of intensive therapy is psychoanalysis.  But I don't know if I believe in that.

Even though my session with Dr. N didn't go as I had hoped it would, it was really nice seeing my dog.  She gave me a warm welcome home (tons of kisses), and she slept on top of me all night (which I love).  She makes me feel loved.  She's the best thing in my life.

Good Things At Uni

I'm writing a very quick post a little earlier today than I usually do because this evening I am going to my parents' house so I can see my psychiatrist, Dr. N.

I got back three out of the four assignments/exams that I have had in the last week or so and I got in the A range on all of them.  Wow.  I was not expecting that.  I know I studied a lot and worked so hard, but the school that I go to is very elite and very competitive so even when I do my best work I'm not sure if I will be rewarded with a good grade.  I was especially surprised that I got an A on my Social Behavior of Animals paper-- we talk about a lot of sophisticated scientific things in that class and I always feel like everyone is getting something that I'm not.  (We had an entire lecture the other day on epigenetics and the whole time I was wondering what epigenetics was.)  But I must have done something right.  I'm really pleased.

That being said, I have another midterm coming up on Wednesday and I'm really nervous.  It's for my Medical Sociology class and while I don't think the material is that difficult to understand, there is a LOT of it.  So I'll be spending this weekend studying my eyes out.  But I think once this midterm has passed I only have one homework assignment left to do before spring break.  My goodness, do I need a break.

Waste Of Money

Sorry for not posting yesterday (actually, two days ago because it is officially Friday where I am).  These past few days have been really trying.  My depression and anxiety have been incredibly high.

On Wednesday I reached a point of literal weeping, sobbing.  I had a conversation with my parents (as I'm required to do as a condition of my return from leave from uni) and it triggered some really intense feelings of guilt.  There's something called Birthright-- it's basically a 10-day trip to Israel for college students-- and I have been thinking about registering for one of their summer trips.  The best thing about it?  It's 100% free.  I mean, if you want to buy souvenirs you have to pay for that, but the airfare, hotel, activities, and food costs are all covered.  Let me reiterate: a free trip to Israel.  So I brought this possibility up with my parents because in order to register for the trip you need to pay a $250 deposit, but unless you withdraw from the trip at the last moment you get all of it back.  When I said this to them they were silent on the other end of the phone.  I told my parents that I would be willing to pay the deposit, but for some reason I began to feel like a complete waste of money and resources.  I have consumed so much and given my parents so little.  I don't deserve what they give me.

As you can see, the depressive thoughts are in full swing.  I've been feeling so awful about my life that while I'm in class or at work I'm picturing hanging myself and planning when I would do it.  No, I'm not going to do it so don't be worried, but I've been thinking about it and it's been intense.

I'm going back to my parents' house tomorrow so I can see Dr. N, my psychiatrist.  Hopefully she can offer some help.

The Trifecta

I had a hard time overall today.  Last night I slept until 3am and then woke up and couldn't fall back asleep.  As a result I spent most of the day yawning and zoning out.  Luckily I didn't have a lot of rigorous work that required stellar concentration, but it was still unpleasant.

This afternoon my mood dipped dramatically.  I was reading a book-- How Doctors Think (it's for my Medical Sociology class)-- and I just broke down crying.  I did my best to hold it together and stifle the intense emotions because I had to go to class and to work this afternoon, and I eventually stopped crying and fixed my makeup and went on with my day.  I have no idea where this dip came from, although it very well may have been the lack of sleep that triggered it.

I also had some spikes in anxiety today, mostly due to grades.  I handed in my Animal Behavior paper, and the assignment was so vague that my grade is really a crap shoot (although I did spend upwards of twelve hours on that paper, so that better have paid off).  Then in Cognitive Psychology class the professor was talking about when we would get our midterm grades back and what the curve is going to look like.  But even though my heart was racing and I was definitely feeling anxious, I was kind of comforted by what he said.  He said that he curves his exams so that the mean is a B.  Which means that if I do better than the average person in the class I will at least have a B+, and that is something that I could cope with.  And I'm pretty sure I'm above the mean because I studied a lot and I'm basically the only person in class who doesn't bring their laptop and shop online during the lecture.  So I'm cautiously hopeful.

And, to complete the trifecta, I was having a lot of eating disordered thoughts today too.  I'm due to get my period tomorrow and as a result I'm hungrier than normal which triggered some intense binge thoughts.  It's so difficult because food is so readily available where I live.  In the lobby of my dorm building there is a vending machine with snack foods.  One building down from my dorm there is a convenience store that has candy, ice cream, and doughnuts among other things.  The grocery store is only 3.5 blocks away.  And, to make everything worse, there are several dessert food delivery services that will bring cookies, cupcakes, or brownies right to you (not to mention regular food delivery too).  I guess this is to be expected because I go to a relatively big school in a big city, but sometimes I feel it's like an eating disorder sufferer's nightmare.  In order to stop myself from giving into the thoughts I took a shower-- I figured I would have to be really desperate to leave my dorm room with a towel on my head.  So far my plan has worked.  But it's really difficult to have that eating disordered voice shout at me so loudly.  I hate this time of the month.

As a completely unrelated aside: You know how some people punctuate their text messages or Facebook messages with "lol"?  What exactly am I supposed to be laughing out loud about?  I don't get it.  This is a pet peeve of mine.  Alright.  Carry on.

Over The Hump

Well, I had my Natural Disturbances midterm today and I think it went pretty well.  And I've already written and printed out my papers that are due tomorrow and Wednesday, so I am over the hump (although I do have another midterm next week, but luckily it's my only exam and it will be my last one until after spring break).

I had a session with D today, and once again we talked about my perfectionism when it comes to, well, everything, but especially my grades.  He said to me that for me success is not whether I get excellent grades, it's whether I can make it through the semester.  And you know what?  I think I can buy into that.  I'm not saying that my perfectionism is over and now I'm a happy-go-lucky college student, but it put things in perspective.  My last semester at uni (one year ago) I got excellent grades but overall I failed because I was dying and needed to take a leave.  It's something to think about.

Today was Valentine's Day and it kind of sucked.  I got text messages from my mom and my sisters wishing me a happy holiday, but that's it.  (S didn't contact me.)  I looked in my mailbox to see if I had gotten a card-- my mom used to write cards to me and my sisters and give us chocolate every Valentine's Day-- but it was empty.  I had sent a Valentine to my dog, and according to my mom she was very happy about it.  But I got nothing in return (my dog also used to write me Valentines, but according to my mom she didn't have my address).

I'm kind of feeling sad that I don't have a relationship.  I am signed up for a dating site and some guys took a liking to me and I was about to go on a date with one, but I basically withdrew and I haven't been on the site since mid-January.  I do want someone to care for me in a romantic way, but at the same time it would be another obligation that I have to attend to, and I don't really have time for that.  And then there's the whole sex thing.  Maybe before the end of the semester I will go on the site again, but for now I'm alone.

Happy Valentine's Day, readers!

Shackled

Remember yesterday when I said that on Friday I was an emotional mess because I hadn't eaten and my blood sugar was low?  Well, it's not the food.  I was an emotional mess all day.  I think part of the problem is that I have been working so hard and for so long that I am just mentally exhausted.  I have literally spent the last 7 days studying and reading and writing, and I am so sick of it.  Couple that with depression and it's not great.  I've been crying and having visions of hanging myself throughout the day and it's quite unpleasant.

I really hate uni.  I hate school.  If I felt it were an option I would drop out, but it's not an option for me.  I feel like I spend 2 or 3 hours a day in class learning and taking notes, and then the rest of the 22 or 21 hours I am doing work.  It's like I'm shackled to my textbooks.

But I am officially 33% done with the semester-- a third of the way there.  In two and a half weeks I will be half way done.  As you can see, I am really looking forward to this being over.  On that note, I made a discovery today.  If I stay at uni and take a course over the summer and then take four classes next fall I could graduate in December 2011 instead of May 2012.  I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but my goodness it would feel SO GOOD to know that there's only one more of these to get through.  Then I can move on with my life and maybe have a shot at... not happiness, but less depressed-ness.

Feeling The Effects

The past two days have not been too great eating-wise.  Yesterday I was not pleased with the number on the scale (not that I'm ever pleased, but there's a threshold of dissatisfaction above which I cannot tolerate) so I took a diet pill and skipped breakfast and lunch.  As always, that wasn't a good idea.  I was fine in the morning, but as the day wore on I started to feel the effects of low blood sugar, both physically and emotionally.  I had a session with D and I was a mess.

Today was a little better in terms of eating, although I did not meet the requirements of my meal plan.  And so as a result the entire day I experienced low blood pressure-- every time I stood up I blacked out.  And this evening I went to the gym and I got home an hour ago and my heart is still racing.  (You may be thinking "NOS, if you were blacking out all day it probably was not a good idea to engage in strenuous exercise."  And you would be right.  But when you're engaging in an eating disorder you're not in your right mind.)  It's remarkable that only two days of not eating properly can have such a big effect on my body.  Tomorrow I am planning on following my meal plan so hopefully all of these symptoms will go away.

In other news, my therapist from the treatment facility that I went to in 2006 and again in 2009 is retiring.  I decided to send him an email congratulating him and telling him how much he has affected my life.  I told him that for the first time since I was 13 I am eating healthfully (well, at least on most days) and that he has a lot to do with that.  And that's true, but I neglected to tell him that as soon as I was discharged in 2009 I relapsed and then had a stint in the hospital and only after that have I been able to eat.  I figure if he writes me back and asks me how I've been I will tell him the truth, but I didn't want to minimize the positive effect that he has had on me.  He was a fabulous therapist who really helped me change some of my disordered thinking (or at least weaken it).

It's really humbling to recognize that I would not be where I am were it not for the help of others.  That's the thing about recovery: you can't do it alone.

Hard Sun

Hard Sun, Eddie Vedder

When I walk beside her
I am the better man
When I look to leave her
I always stagger back again
Once I built an ivory tower
So I could worship from above
When I climb down to be set free
She took me in again

There’s a big
  A big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world

When she comes to greet me
She is mercy at my feet
I see her inner charm
She just throws it back at me
Once I dug an early grave
To find a better land
She just smiled and laughed at me
And took her rules back again

 There’s a big
  A big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world

When I go across that river
She is comfort by my side
When I try to understand
She just opens up her hands

There’s a big
  A big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world

Once I stood to lose her
  When I saw what I had done
Bowed down and threw away the hours
Of her garden and her sun
So I tried to want her
I turned to see her weep
40 days and 40 nights
And it's still coming down on me

There’s a big
  A big hard sun
Beating on the big people
In the big hard world

One Exam Down...

One exam and two papers to go.  My first exam today went... okay.  It was no slam dunk, but it also wasn't terrible.  But I know for sure that I did not get a 100% and that's scary to me.  So I went to my advisor and asked her to tell me that it's okay not to get a 100% on everything, and she said "NOS, you can drop by, email me, call me anytime and I will tell you over and over that you don't need to get a 100% on everything."  I told her that I'm afraid that I will get bad grades and then I won't be able to do the things I want in life, like go to graduate school.  She said that even mediocre grades from my uni (I go to a very reputable school-- one of the top universities in the country) will get me far.  And that was really comforting.

I think the problem right now is that I have all of these assignments and exams in the next few days and I'm not at all confident.  I can't tell if I'm doing well or I'm doing poorly.  And uncertainty, as you may remember, I am not very good at coping with uncertainty.  I like to have complete control over everything, and when things are up in the air it's really scary.

Managing

I've been working really hard to get all of my work and studying done the past few days.  Pretty much as soon as I get back to my dorm from class or from work I buckle down and start working on something.  But, amazingly, I have also been managing to take care of myself.  I give myself breaks for meals, and I haven't acted on my eating disorder in a few weeks now.  I think uni requires you to eat-- I mean, it's hard to be a functioning college student when you're starving yourself.  I don't know how I managed to do that for the last four years, but I can say with some certainty that it was not fun, and it was not helpful.

The past two days I have woken up feeling really bad in terms of depression and anxiety.  Things were so bad yesterday that I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it to class, but not going to class would have made my anxiety a lot worse, so I went.  The depression stems from a feeling that there's a mountain ahead of me before I can go back to sleep at the end of the day, and I'm never sure if I will last.  And the anxiety stems from all of the midterms and papers I have.  But as the days have progressed things got better-- or at least they felt more manageable.  And that's what I'm striving for: being able to manage my disorders.

Time Is Slow

When I was at the local college last semester taking two courses it felt like time flew by.  I take birth control pills, and I was astonished at the rate I was going through them.  Days started early, but were finished by 6pm.  But now that I'm back at uni and taking four classes time seems to drag.  Painfully.  Days start a little later and end later, and they seem to move at the pace of snails.

I just want to be done with the semester.  I want to be done with uni.  I am not having fun here, although I never enjoy my activities due to my depression.  Honestly, I feel like it's a run-out-the-clock situation.  I just need to last.  And sometimes that feels really hard to do.

Is there a way to make time go faster?  I mean, I know you can't speed up time, but how do you make your life feel like less of a schlep?

And now for some administrative things.  As I mentioned yesterday, I have a lot of work to do in the next nine days, so I may not be blogging as consistently as I usually do during this time.  I'll also probably be unable to comment on your blogs as frequently as I usually do.  Sorry, but I just really need to take care of school things.

All Work And No Play

I literally spent the entire day doing work today.  Since 10am I have either been studying for my Cognitive Psychology midterm or writing my Social Behavior of Animals paper.  I'm really nervous about both.  But I have planned out my days this week and I have blocked off time to work on each of my upcoming assignments (including my other midterm and other paper that's due next week).  And by the way things look, it sounds like I will be spending pretty much every waking moment working on something.  D would probably think my behavior is excessive as I do have a tendency to overdo things when it comes to school work, but the classes I am taking are difficult and require time.

Anyway, while I was at the library today I ran into one of my friends from high school who happens to go to my uni.  We met on the fencing team, and she is two years younger than me.  I gave her a hug and the first thing she asked was "Have you graduated yet?"  To which I had to embarrassingly reply "No."  I'm pretty sure she knows about my eating disorder because everyone in my high school knew about my eating disorder (thanks to a gossiping guidance counselor), so I think she understands why I am two years behind.  Nonetheless, it's hard for me to swallow and even more difficult for me to admit to.  But the interaction went well, and she suggested that we meet up for coffee at some time.  I said that I would like that.  Perhaps we could be friends.

Something very similar happened today with KS.  I hadn't spoken to her since October, but coincidentally I was thinking about her today when she sent me a text message referring to an inside joke we share.  I asked her what she has been up to lately and it turns out she is teaching music to elementary school students-- exactly what she went to school for.  She asked me what I have been up to and I told her I was still in school.  She asked if I was graduating this May and I had to, once again, ashamedly tell her that I will not be graduating for another year.  Her response was "Oh wow."  I don't know what that means.  But it stings.

In summary, it's pretty clear that I am ashamed of having taken so much time off from uni.  And the reason why I have taken so much time off from uni is because of my eating disorder.  It just goes to show how much this disease has taken away from me.

Stress And Hunger

Well, as of yesterday I am officially about 27% done with my semester.  Wow.  And I'm making it!  Things haven't been perfect, but then again I didn't and don't expect them to be (except for my grades).  I was actually expecting to fall a lot more than I have in terms of depression.  The one thing that still is sub-par is my social life-- I still don't have friends.  There's one potential friend in one of my classes, and she's really nice.  I just sent her a friend request of Facebook to try and advance the relationship beyond the I-only-see-you-and-talk-to-you-in-class phase.  We'll see how that goes.

The next week and a half is going to be a trying time for me in terms of academics and stress management.  On Thursday I have a midterm in my Cognitive Psychology class, Monday the week after I have a midterm in my Natural Disturbances class, then that Tuesday I have a paper due in my Social Behavior of Animals class, and then that Wednesday I have a paper due in my Medical Sociology class.  I have already begun to study for my first midterm (although not thoroughly-- I have to start hitting the books hard tomorrow), and today I finished the Medical Sociology paper (although I will probably revisit it to edit it some more).  I'm planning on knocking out the other paper tomorrow.  It's a lot to handle, but once I am over this "hump" I won't have another major event for at least a week or two.

In other unrelated news, I am hungry.  And it is really triggering.  I know the reason why-- I had a very unsatisfying dinner consisting of only steamed broccoli.  That is a mistake I plan not to make again.  But while hungry, this evening I went to the grocery store to do my shopping for the week and the binge thoughts were really loud.  However, I haven't binged since September (!) and I did not want to start again.  Also, I knew that if I binged I would have to spend the next few days restricting to make up for it, which would lead to another binge, and so on.  So I made a deal with myself-- I said I wouldn't buy the binge food at that time, but if I really wanted to binge once I got home I could go to the convenience store right next to my dorm building to get the food.  When I got home I decided I didn't want to binge, and then I quickly stepped into the shower so I would be less likely to change my mind (I wouldn't want to leave my dorm with wet hair, nor would I want to get dressed back in day clothes).

It's almost my evening snack time and I hope it fills me up.  Hunger is really difficult to deal with when you have an eating disorder.

The Future

I've been thinking a lot about the future lately.  Specifically, my future and what it entails.

In the not-so-distant future I have to make a decision about what I want to do when I graduate from uni.  For me there are four options that I am considering: graduate school for psychology (which then begs the question, what kind of degree do I want?), a post-baccalaureate pre-med degree and then medical school, getting a job, or joining the Peace Corps.  I suppose I should get a job or join the Peace Corps if I can't make a decision about what kind of graduate training I want.  But it feels like the time to make the decision is so near and it's scary.

In the future future I don't know what I want.  I want a career, that much I know, although I don't know what kind of career I would like to pursue.  And I want a relationship.  Today at work we were discussing the relationship between psychopathology and marriage (I work at a psychology lab), and my boss told us that marriage is negatively correlated with psychological disorders; meaning that if you have a psychological disorder you are less likely than a healthy person to have be married.  This kind of scares me.  I feel that I am unlovable, that no one would want to put up with my craziness for more than 20 minutes.

I had a boyfriend my freshman year and we dated for about five months.  I told him about my eating disorder and my depression (he is currently the only person at uni who knows this about me).  But things fell apart when I pushed him away.  See, the problem was that he always wanted to be around me and I never wanted to be around anyone because I was so depressed.  We broke up, and he said that he wanted to remain friends and I haven't heard from him since.  I often think of writing him an email telling him that I've been through so much, excuse me, shit in the past 1.5 years, and asking for support.  But I know he won't care, and it's probably inappropriate to just blurt out everything that's happened to someone with whom I haven't spoken in years.

So my future is quite hazy.  And that's frightening.  When did I become an adult?

"Anything Less Than The Best Is A Felony"

Today I electronically handed in an assignment for my Natural Disturbances class, and I immediately got feedback that I got one question wrong, making my grade a 3.5/4.  This really bothered me.  And it's still bothering me.  I am terrified that I am going to get a horrible grade in the class because of the mistakes I make on the homework.  And it's not as if I'm not trying-- I went to a TA's office hours and everything and she said my answers were right!-- I really take all of my coursework seriously.  The problem is I'm a perfectionist and anything less than 100% makes me feel awful.

Last semester when I took classes at the local college things were so easy.  That school is not as prestigious or competitive as my uni, so it was really easy to get a 100% on everything (also, it didn't hurt that I had two classes instead of my current four).  Seriously, I got a 100% or higher on everything I did at that school, and thus I kind of set my expectations for myself really high.  I just need to hear from someone that getting something other than a 100% is okay and won't necessarily ruin my grade for the whole class, and that even if my grade for the whole class isn't perfect I will still be able to have a future-- specifically I want to be able to go to graduate school at one point.  I think I'm going to email my advisor and see if she has time to talk this Friday so that she can reassure me.  It really helps to hear it from her.

On a completely different note, I've been really diligent about going to the gym.  I have set the goal to go there three times every week, and so far I've met that goal every week.  Specifically, I've been running and trying to increase my endurance.  I really do find going to the gym pleasant because I'm listening to music and I'm so focused on the numbers on the screen in front of me (pace, distance, time, etc.) that I don't think about other troubles.  Going to the gym makes me feel somewhat like a real person instead of a robot that only does schoolwork 24/7.  But on days that I don't go to the gym I am pretty much that robot.

[By the way, 10 points goes to the person who can identify the song that the title of this post is from without Googling it!]

Autopilot

Lately I've been going through the motions-- going to class, going to work, going to my activities.  I feel depressed.  And dead.  My life is on autopilot and I just have to make it through the day so I can go back to my dorm and take my night meds which (usually) knock me out (especially now that I'm on a higher dose of Thioridazine).  This is my life, but it's not living.

I can't even think of anything to write because I have nothing to talk about.