Today I got an email from KH, my therapist from treatment back in 2009. It was great to hear from him, but the email he sent was from a previous email "conversation" that we had so I was able to look back at what I had said the last time I emailed him, which is May 2010. Coincidentally, yesterday I was looking at old emails between me and SH, my friend from treatment, dating back to 2008. These emails had a few things in common. First, I had a really bad attitude. I was stubborn. I was ambivalent about getting help, and refused to get the treatment I needed. Secondly, I was absolutely hopeless-- I believed I was going to die from my disorders.
Things have changed. I'm still extremely stubborn, but I also believe I am open to help. For example, I rekindled my relationship with D last year in order to work on whatever issues I may have instead of only medicating them.
And in terms of hope-- well, that's questionable. There are days and times that I feel hopeless, but that also means that there are days and times that I feel hopeful. Things are going really well in terms of eating and my depression has been... moderate. Now if only I could stop sleeping.