Tug Of War

Until Wednesday, I had been following the meal plan my new dietitian had given me.  It was incredibly difficult, but at the same time it self safe-- safer than restricting and/or purging.  Then on Wednesday I had a phone session with my dietitian and she increased my meal plan again.  I followed the plan on Thursday, but I was freaking out in my head the entire time.  Then yesterday I decided I was going to restrict (because I always come up with the best ideas), but by the time lunch came around I decided to get back on track.  So that means I have been following my meal plan since Monday.  This might be the longest stretch of doing so since May.

But even though the behaviors have been absent, the thoughts are driving me crazy.  I haven't weighed myself in a while, and I'm not planning on weighing myself (or ever getting weighed) ever, ever again.  Not because I'm not concerned about weight, but because I'm terrified of what the scale will show.

And my body image is playing tricks on me.  It seems from my reflection that I haven't gained weight, but at the same time I feel like my clothes are fitting differently.

Also, to make matters worse, last month I got my period-- the first time in over a year.  What that means to me is that I'm fat.  

So I'm being pulled back in the direction of my eating disorder-- I want to lose weight.  But at the same time I want to get better.  Agh!  It's like there's a game of tug of war being played in my brain.