I had a hard time writing a post last night. I don't have much to say because I've been struggling with the same thing all week: body image.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my dietitian in the evening, and our deal was that if I needed a "reality check" that I wasn't gaining weight like crazy with our new, bigger meal plan I could weigh myself the morning of our sessions. So I did, and the number was terrifying. I therefore restricted all yesterday.
During our session, I told the dietitian the news about my weight, and after doing a few computations she told me that it was impossible for the weight I had gained to be "true" weight gain-- it was probably glycogen weight and premenstrual bloating. (On that last point, I'm on birth control and my period-- that is, if I get it again-- isn't due until next Thursday or Friday. I asked her how long before the actual period premenstrual bloating could occur, and she says it can vary from zero days to a week and a half. I'm not sure if I believe that; I think she was trying to keep me off the ledge.) She made me promise that last night I would resume eating my meal plan and stop restricting for the rest of the evening, and even though I agreed to do so I knew I wouldn't.
I stepped on the scale this morning, and the number was much more tolerable. I know this is bad and not recovery-oriented, but I want to get back to the number I was at before I went to Israel, and if that requires me to restrict then that is what I will do. (I just want to assure you, though, that this number is within my healthy weight range.) My weight clearly holds so much power over me. I think my obsession over numbers will be one of the last things to go.
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5 comments:
I understand how you struggle with that number. Please be healthy. You are so worth it.
Good Morning NOS,
Here listening and sending you hugs of support. ((((NOS))))
Blessings,
Tammy
I'm sorry that you are struggling with the number on the scale and can relate too, but I looked at the link about glycogen stores and it was a real eye opener and explains why one can eat just a little bit less and "lose" weight and then eat just a little bit more and "gain" weight. So, in essence it makes us feel like its such a fragile balance. But then during the times when I'm eating just about the same amount every day, I'm neither gaining nor losing.
xo ~ L
NOS I am sorry for your struggle. Even though I cannot imagine the fear and anger you go through when you see those numbers, I feel for your pain.
It sucks that the number has such control over us. I'm glad you are in healthy weight range, though it's not good you are restricting and not following your meal plan. I wish we could just forget the scales and be happy in our own skins.
Much love and udnerstanding to you NOS xx
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