I had a hard time writing a post last night. I don't have much to say because I've been struggling with the same thing all week: body image.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my dietitian in the evening, and our deal was that if I needed a "reality check" that I wasn't gaining weight like crazy with our new, bigger meal plan I could weigh myself the morning of our sessions. So I did, and the number was terrifying. I therefore restricted all yesterday.
During our session, I told the dietitian the news about my weight, and after doing a few computations she told me that it was impossible for the weight I had gained to be "true" weight gain-- it was probably glycogen weight and premenstrual bloating. (On that last point, I'm on birth control and my period-- that is, if I get it again-- isn't due until next Thursday or Friday. I asked her how long before the actual period premenstrual bloating could occur, and she says it can vary from zero days to a week and a half. I'm not sure if I believe that; I think she was trying to keep me off the ledge.) She made me promise that last night I would resume eating my meal plan and stop restricting for the rest of the evening, and even though I agreed to do so I knew I wouldn't.
I stepped on the scale this morning, and the number was much more tolerable. I know this is bad and not recovery-oriented, but I want to get back to the number I was at before I went to Israel, and if that requires me to restrict then that is what I will do. (I just want to assure you, though, that this number is within my healthy weight range.) My weight clearly holds so much power over me. I think my obsession over numbers will be one of the last things to go.