I know on Wednesday I said I would stop my eating disordered behaviors, but I slipped. I managed to stay on track for most of Thursday (yesterday), but I slipped up at night and took a handful of laxatives. The worst part? I actually had to go out to the pharmacy to get them. I am very disappointed with myself, but at the same time I know this is a mental disorder and that it's not something that can be stopped just like that. But please know that I'm trying. I'm just stumbling.
Today, however, has been better. I have come to a conclusion that's incredibly difficult for me to accept and admit, but I'd like to share it with you. Ever since I got back from Israel I have been on a restrict/binge/purge cycle that I have been unable to stop. As a consequence my weight has been up and down, and as my weight fluctuated so did my mood. The depression that accompanies my eating disordered behavior is very close to intolerable. This cycle is triggered by hunger, so I have made the following decision: I would rather add an item or two to my meal plan and potentially gain a small amount of weight than have my weight and mood be all over the place. There. I said it.
In the words of Jonathan Larson: "I gotta get my sickness off. Gotta run, gotta ride, gotta gun, gotta hide. Gotta go."
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4 comments:
"so I have made the following decision: I would rather add an item or two to my meal plan and potentially gain a small amount of weight than have my weight and mood be all over the place. There. I said it."
VERY WISE! Standing there in the corner cheering you on !!!! Wanda (((((((NOS))))))))))
YES! It IS triggered by hunger! And I also have found that when I used to "diet"... i would be thinking ALL the time about food. Same thing.
Actually, you won't gain weight if you add a thing or two to your meal plan. Eating every few hours boosts your metabolism. So you CAN eat a bit more and not gain. If you are hungry, that means that you're not getting enough. When you starve, your body conserves and hangs onto everything because it thinks its starving... which it is... and then... when it does get some food, the binge is triggered... I remember one day, in my early days in NY, after starving myself for days... eating about five meals in about 6 hours, one day. I just couldn't stop eating! And yes, I felt horrendous about myself, like I was some out of control mutant!
I know that you already know all of this, but perhaps it helps to hear it again?
xo ~ L
Good Morning NOS,
I KNOW you are trying. Sending you lots of hugs of support as you find a meal plan that works for your recovery.
(((NOS)))
Blessings,
Tammy
Progress not perfection NOS :)
Just do your lousy best. Thats all I do..
Glad you are still sharing here, as you are as sick as your secrets :)
Thanks for sharing
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