I know on Wednesday I said I would stop my eating disordered behaviors, but I slipped. I managed to stay on track for most of Thursday (yesterday), but I slipped up at night and took a handful of laxatives. The worst part? I actually had to go out to the pharmacy to get them. I am very disappointed with myself, but at the same time I know this is a mental disorder and that it's not something that can be stopped just like that. But please know that I'm trying. I'm just stumbling.
Today, however, has been better. I have come to a conclusion that's incredibly difficult for me to accept and admit, but I'd like to share it with you. Ever since I got back from Israel I have been on a restrict/binge/purge cycle that I have been unable to stop. As a consequence my weight has been up and down, and as my weight fluctuated so did my mood. The depression that accompanies my eating disordered behavior is very close to intolerable. This cycle is triggered by hunger, so I have made the following decision: I would rather add an item or two to my meal plan and potentially gain a small amount of weight than have my weight and mood be all over the place. There. I said it.
In the words of Jonathan Larson: "I gotta get my sickness off. Gotta run, gotta ride, gotta gun, gotta hide. Gotta go."