I'm continuing to have a really hard time with body image. No news there.
I had an appointment today with Dr. N, my psychiatrist, and it was really tough. She's also a psychoanalyst so she always touches on something deep and upsetting. First we talked about how I live my life in a "cocoon". She pointed out the fact that I choose to isolate myself from people and I'm afraid to do anything that is outside my comfort zone. Then, because she is a psychoanalyst and psychoanalysts love connecting everything to sex, she said that I especially close myself off from and seem afraid of guys and sex.
At that moment something clicked. For the longest time I have denied that being raped my senior year of high school had much of an effect on me. But maybe that was the pivotal moment that changed it all. I have been depressed since I was eight, but I haven't always been this isolative-- that didn't start until more recently. I guess it's possible that being raped caused me to be afraid of people. And the aftermath of the rape (The guy who raped me was dating one of my best friends. The guy later bragged to someone that he had sex with me, and word got around that I was a homewrecker and a whore. Although people asked me what happened I never told anyone that I was raped because, frankly, it's no one's business. So all of my best friend's mutual friends left me en masse.) frightened me even more-- I didn't know I was so disposable. So I guess it's possible that after this event I built my cocoon and have inhabited it ever since.
I started to cry and I told Dr. N that she was missing a big part of the picture (she doesn't know about the rapes) but that I didn't want to talk about it.
Then we started talking about Dr. E, my other psychiatrist, and how he's completely afraid of me. He thinks that because I have been medically (physically) unstable before, I've attempted suicide before, and because I have an eating disorder and am taking Wellbutrin (because apparently eating disorders + Wellbutrin = seizures) that I am a walking liability that needs to be closely monitored. Dr. N said that he was probably afraid of me because I'm "a big, bad borderline". Now, both Dr. N and D have formally diagnosed me as having borderline personality disorder, but I disagree. But I guess my opinion doesn't really matter in this case. But if I do have BPD and doctors are afraid of it (except, I guess, for Dr. N) how am I supposed to get adequate treatment?
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6 comments:
I know how hard it can be to tell your doctors everything, but it is so important. I know I have no room to talk as I find this very hard to do. You have to push to get the treatment you need. Sometimes it take a long time to find "doctor right". Sometimes it take awhile to know if you have found them. Don't give up you are starting to put things together. It maybe a life long battle but you are worth the fight and the right to be whole.
Oh honey... how horribly painful, what you went through... and of course, you are wary of other people after all of those betrayals. If you weren't something would be wrong.
Don't be afraid to tell the dr. everything.
Also... I don't know... I'm no example... but if I had a young daughter, I would advise her to be extremely cautious about guys and sex. And I don't get her point? How is that supposed to make you feel better about yourself?
You've been through a lot of devastating trauma and they should be treating you for that, because I believe that is at the root of a lot of your depression and anxiety.
From everything you've written, I do not see how you meet the criteria for BPD... maybe some features, but I'm sure that I have them too. That is why you are NOS, NOS! ;) That's how I started reading you. Your blog name totally cracked me up!
Dump the loser fraidy cat shrinks. And stick with the ones who are not afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of! Geeeezzz... why oh why did they go into the head shrinking biz to begin with?
mind boggling.
xo ~ L
I agree with Lexie - dump Dr D. Why is he scared of someone who is sad? Maybe he needs to get into another line of work, say real estate. And I think your opinion matters on what is wrong and what would help you.
Seems like a great step that you are starting to deal with your rape trauma and letting some of the feelings about it out. take care
I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I just can't imagine what that did to your young mind being hurt so badly and then completely dumped by your friends. I think it is so important to try and tell your docs this stuff and I know it is insumountable but they can't help you unless they know. Be gentle with yourself!
*hugs*
Sarah
Hi NOS,
I really like Dr. N. so far. She seems like a big improvement compared to the others you have encountered. I know we have to use labels in our profession, but I try not to focus on the label, but on the person. Every person is very complex and it is simplistic to assign a label and then be afraid of it....end of rant.
Blessings,
Tammy
NOSSY, again I am so very sorry for your past trauma. It angers me what you had to endure and go through with the rape. Even though our stories are not exact, the result from our abuse are in close proximity. Dr. N. seems promising. ((((NOS))))
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