I'm continuing to have a really hard time with body image. No news there.
I had an appointment today with Dr. N, my psychiatrist, and it was really tough. She's also a psychoanalyst so she always touches on something deep and upsetting. First we talked about how I live my life in a "cocoon". She pointed out the fact that I choose to isolate myself from people and I'm afraid to do anything that is outside my comfort zone. Then, because she is a psychoanalyst and psychoanalysts love connecting everything to sex, she said that I especially close myself off from and seem afraid of guys and sex.
At that moment something clicked. For the longest time I have denied that being raped my senior year of high school had much of an effect on me. But maybe that was the pivotal moment that changed it all. I have been depressed since I was eight, but I haven't always been this isolative-- that didn't start until more recently. I guess it's possible that being raped caused me to be afraid of people. And the aftermath of the rape (The guy who raped me was dating one of my best friends. The guy later bragged to someone that he had sex with me, and word got around that I was a homewrecker and a whore. Although people asked me what happened I never told anyone that I was raped because, frankly, it's no one's business. So all of my best friend's mutual friends left me en masse.) frightened me even more-- I didn't know I was so disposable. So I guess it's possible that after this event I built my cocoon and have inhabited it ever since.
I started to cry and I told Dr. N that she was missing a big part of the picture (she doesn't know about the rapes) but that I didn't want to talk about it.
Then we started talking about Dr. E, my other psychiatrist, and how he's completely afraid of me. He thinks that because I have been medically (physically) unstable before, I've attempted suicide before, and because I have an eating disorder and am taking Wellbutrin (because apparently eating disorders + Wellbutrin = seizures) that I am a walking liability that needs to be closely monitored. Dr. N said that he was probably afraid of me because I'm "a big, bad borderline". Now, both Dr. N and D have formally diagnosed me as having borderline personality disorder, but I disagree. But I guess my opinion doesn't really matter in this case. But if I do have BPD and doctors are afraid of it (except, I guess, for Dr. N) how am I supposed to get adequate treatment?