I am not doing well. At all. After I wrote my post on Saturday night I then messed it all up (in terms of eating) and then continued to mess up through Sunday. As a result my mood is probably lower than it has been in over a year. I hate myself. I hate my brain. I hate my life. I look at other people in envy that they can put food into their mouths without feeling like a failure, and they can stop eating at a reasonable point. Readers, to those of you who can do this: do you know how lucky you are? I would give anything to not have this disorder. Yes, I know everyone has their problems, but I would prefer any other problem if I could get rid of my current one.
There is a real possibility that I will be hospitalized and have to take another medical leave from uni. And on the one hand that thought makes me so depressed because there is the potential that I have let my eating disorder take away more of my life. On the other hand, I might benefit from it because I desperately want to stop and I don't know if I can do it by myself.
Yesterday and today I felt so shitty that I seriously considered suicide. Like, seriously considered. I researched methods. I made a make-shift noose and actually tested it out (it works). It's quite possible that my life is coming to an end. Maybe my luck will change and I'll be hit by a car tomorrow. That would be grand.