I am not doing well. At all. After I wrote my post on Saturday night I then messed it all up (in terms of eating) and then continued to mess up through Sunday. As a result my mood is probably lower than it has been in over a year. I hate myself. I hate my brain. I hate my life. I look at other people in envy that they can put food into their mouths without feeling like a failure, and they can stop eating at a reasonable point. Readers, to those of you who can do this: do you know how lucky you are? I would give anything to not have this disorder. Yes, I know everyone has their problems, but I would prefer any other problem if I could get rid of my current one.
There is a real possibility that I will be hospitalized and have to take another medical leave from uni. And on the one hand that thought makes me so depressed because there is the potential that I have let my eating disorder take away more of my life. On the other hand, I might benefit from it because I desperately want to stop and I don't know if I can do it by myself.
Yesterday and today I felt so shitty that I seriously considered suicide. Like, seriously considered. I researched methods. I made a make-shift noose and actually tested it out (it works). It's quite possible that my life is coming to an end. Maybe my luck will change and I'll be hit by a car tomorrow. That would be grand.
About Me
5 comments:
Oh NOS. I am worried about you. Please talk with who ever will help most. I'm here for you. Hugs Wanda
Oh honey, (((hugs))) I'm so sorry that you're struggling now. I think the suicide research is perhaps a way for you to exert some control where you feel that you have none. I know that you are tired, but you are also very strong.
If you kill yourself, then the eating disorder will have won and I know that you don't want that and I and a whole slew of other people would be absolutely heartsick. You can beat this thing, NOS. I know that you can! Keep fighting for you!
Did you go on the date? I was thinking about you and a bit worried. Not that you aren't sensible, just that there are so many nefarious creatures out there posing as (yech) "gentlemen".
xo ~ L
I have been a compulsive over-eater since I was in my early teens. I cannot blame the circumstances of my youth. I just eat. All. The. Time...for the pleasure (ha) it gives me.
One thing that has made a difference for me is that I stop and pray the common table prayer each time I make the choice to 'fall off the wagon'. I simply pray, "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest, and let these gifts to us be blessed. Oh give thanks unto the Lord, for he is good, and His mercy endures forever."
In this prayer I know that I have invited Jesus to join me ("Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest"). Sometimes it gives me the strength to simply sit at the table and talk with him. Other times, when I cannot stop the impulse, I feel comfort that, even at my lowest, He is with me at my invitation.
"Let these gifts to us be blessed." All of this food has been blessed by Him. It's His gift, his promise fulfilled. Luke 12:24 'Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!' He's telling me that I don't have to hoard it, to stuff myself. He'll give me more when I need it.
"Oh give thanks unto the Lord for He is good, and His mercy endures forever." I don't win my battle every time, but I this final sentence gives me such peace and comfort. I know that He knows my pain, my struggles, even when I can't name them, when I'm too tired to face them. His mercy endures FOREVER--right now, and tomorrow. Don't beat yourself up, you walk in His forgiveness. You are new.
Dear NOS,
Sending you lots of love and hugs. I am so sorry you are struggling so much. I support you going back to treatment if you need to. Here pulling for you, sweetie.
Blessings,
Tammy
it sounds like you are really in a crisis right now. Are there supportive people in your life who could help you out with a little TLC right now? Like, maybe make a plan to not be alone, plan out your day and who you will be with at what time? It worked for one person I know, but I know that each situation is different. If you have to go back IP, please dont think of it as a failure. Think of it as a brave choice to save your life so that later you will be able to return to UNI and continue building the life that you want.
XOlisa
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