Alright. It stops here. I cannot go on living in the restrict/binge/purge cycle that I've been stuck in ever since I got back from Israel. If I continue I will kill myself. I want to stop. I will stop. I am really going to pull out the big guns on this-- I am going to contact someone if I feel the urge to engage in behaviors and maybe they will talk me out of it. I'm desperate.
Today I had an appointment with Dr. E, my new psychiatrist. First the good news: the bloodwork that I had done last week came back normal, so he did not take me off of Wellbutrin. The less good news: I was honest with him about my struggles and he is really concerned. He said that we have three options: I could go to have an assessment at a local eating disorder facility and maybe do an intensive outpatient program or something, he could put me on an SSRI, and/or I could go see a dietitian for support. I told him that I was not willing to do the first one because I don't want to give up what I have. I also told him that I have been on every SSRI and that they make me really suicidal. But I agreed to see a dietitian.
Even though on Monday I told you how D's reaction to my struggles wasn't satisfying-- that he seemed to minimize it-- I must say that now I know that I don't like the opposite reaction either. I am now afraid of Dr. E, and I feel I can't be honest with him about my behaviors because I do NOT want to do an IOP program. I'm not opposed to treatment, but I'm afraid that doing an IOP program would interfere with the class I am now taking (a neuroscience class) in terms of scheduling, and I have to take this class now or else I can't finish up uni in December. And that's my priority. I know, I know, my health and happiness should be my priorities. But just because they should be doesn't mean that they are.
My eating disorder is threatening to take away more of my life and I refuse to let it. That's why this is going to stop right now.
UPDATE: Also, I encourage you to listen to the song I posted earlier today. It's good.