Alright. It stops here. I cannot go on living in the restrict/binge/purge cycle that I've been stuck in ever since I got back from Israel. If I continue I will kill myself. I want to stop. I will stop. I am really going to pull out the big guns on this-- I am going to contact someone if I feel the urge to engage in behaviors and maybe they will talk me out of it. I'm desperate.
Today I had an appointment with Dr. E, my new psychiatrist. First the good news: the bloodwork that I had done last week came back normal, so he did not take me off of Wellbutrin. The less good news: I was honest with him about my struggles and he is really concerned. He said that we have three options: I could go to have an assessment at a local eating disorder facility and maybe do an intensive outpatient program or something, he could put me on an SSRI, and/or I could go see a dietitian for support. I told him that I was not willing to do the first one because I don't want to give up what I have. I also told him that I have been on every SSRI and that they make me really suicidal. But I agreed to see a dietitian.
Even though on Monday I told you how D's reaction to my struggles wasn't satisfying-- that he seemed to minimize it-- I must say that now I know that I don't like the opposite reaction either. I am now afraid of Dr. E, and I feel I can't be honest with him about my behaviors because I do NOT want to do an IOP program. I'm not opposed to treatment, but I'm afraid that doing an IOP program would interfere with the class I am now taking (a neuroscience class) in terms of scheduling, and I have to take this class now or else I can't finish up uni in December. And that's my priority. I know, I know, my health and happiness should be my priorities. But just because they should be doesn't mean that they are.
My eating disorder is threatening to take away more of my life and I refuse to let it. That's why this is going to stop right now.
UPDATE: Also, I encourage you to listen to the song I posted earlier today. It's good.
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9 comments:
Aho Nos - I've been perusing and reading your offerings for some time and simply want to send you hopes that you will be able to see yourself through the intensity of chaos as it comes in the form of eating disorder behaviors or otherwise.
Do keep at taking care of you the best you can. There is no perfect way in doing so and I hope you find the balance that works for YOU.
Sending support and hope for peace and ease in the moments that greet you.
Be well.
NOS please take care of yourself and do what you need to do. Depression and eat disorders suck, I am so sorry you are struggling so. I think about you everyday and I want to see you happy. You always encourage me and i hope I give you a ray of hope. Stay strong. Hugs my dear friend
I hope that you will do what is needed to take care of yourself and to be healthy.
NOS, I wish you all the strength and perseverence in the world! You can deal with this, you're strong and smart and you deserve freedom my friend xx
NOS you are a fighter, there is no doubt! Here encouaging you on. You are determined to beat this disorder. And NOT let it beat you.
I am familiar with The End by the Doors.
Safe hugs to you as you go through this difficult time.
'I am going to contact someone if I feel the urge to engage in behaviors and maybe they will talk me out of it. I'm desperate.'
NOS thats exactly what I did when I was new in AA. I spoke to another alcoholic every day because I phoned my sponsor, because I went to meetings and because I spoke to newcomers. this meant that I couldn't be alone with my demons if I tried, and I always ended up hearing what I needed to hear. i think this is the difference between soldiering on alone and being 'in the middle of the bed' as AA puts it. I got the help I needed because I had the gift of desperation and for the first time in my life I was willing to take the suggestions I had resisted up till then.
So it all sounds very positive to me and chimes with my own experience so I really hope you pick up the phone or go to a ? meeting of some sort that enables you to get the help and support that is out there just waiting for you to ask :)
Hi NOS,
Here listening and supporting you through this.
Blessings,
Tammy
You are so brave and strong! Even though it will be a struggle, I am sure you will overcome this, one day at a time.
Phoning someone for support sounds like a really good idea. It is so much easier to make progress with others than trying to go it alone. Addictions thrive in secrecy.
I can understand your feelings about the psych. He should be getting you to trust him and talk to him, not laying down the law, IMO.
Rooting for you NOS.
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