My eating improved today. I didn't completely follow my meal plan, but I got really close. And I'm expecting that tomorrow I will be able to follow it to the letter-- I'm going to try as hard as I can to make this happen.
The one obstacle I will face tomorrow is that from about 10am until 4pm I'm volunteering at a pet adoption event in one of my city's parks. (When I was looking for a job I also signed up to work for an animal shelter, and tomorrow will be the first time I'm doing a shift.) I can have breakfast and dinner as I usually do, but it might be more challenging to have lunch. I've packed the packable parts of my lunch so I can take it with me, but some things I can't bring (like dairy products) so I'll have to fit it in as a snack when I come home from the event. I'm a little anxious about eating at the event because I'm not sure if anyone else is bringing their lunches and I don't want to stand out. But I have to tell myself: I have a medical condition like diabetes that demands that I eat on a regular schedule.
I also had a session with D today, and it was hard. We spoke a lot about weight and what it means to me. So what does weight mean to me? The short answer: everything. Whether or not I have a good day or a bad day is dictated by the scale. And I want to weigh less because the eating disordered part of my brain tells me that if I'm skinny all of my problems-- namely my depression-- would go away. The more sensible part of my brain tells me that I've been skinny before and I was still severely depressed. Nevertheless I continue to buy into what the eating disordered voice tells me.
D and I have decided that I'm going to try not to weigh myself anymore. There was a period in October when I gave up my scales, and as a result I didn't use any behaviors for about three weeks. I want to be in that space again. It's going to be difficult and anxiety provoking, but I feel that I need to do it to move forward. Weighing myself causes me to be tied to my disease and I desperately want to be released.
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7 comments:
NOS glad you were able to get closer to your eating goal. Sorry your session with D was hard for you today. But, glad you were able to discuss some things. Praynig for that release of freedom for you NOS. Safe hugs.
NOS,
Its interesting because everything you say, I also feel too to some extent or other. But, I'm glad that you ate more or less normally today.
I don't like being away from my scale either. Its like, if I don't keep track, morning and night, the scale will have a field day and go hog wild on me when I return! And sometimes "it" seems to have a mind of its own. Its really not a very good "friend", after-all, is it?
xo,
L
I'm so glad you are working with animals this weekend. That is my favorite cause. I'm sorry I've been MOA recently, but I have been struggling too. You are so much stronger than you think. You are right the eating disorder is like any other medical condition. You do what you need to! I'm in the corner backing you. Hugs my friend. Wanda
Good Morning NOS,
I think that is great that you are working for an animal shelter today. I love animals, too.
I can sympathize with the not wanting to stand out with the food issue. I have allergies to wheat and dairy because of my condition and I deal with the same thing when around others and a meal is involved. I can basicly only eat my own food or I get sick. I like that line about a medical condition. I think I will use that next time I am in an uncomfortable situation with food and people.
Sounds like you had a good session with D even though it was hard. Sending you a hug for being able to talk about all that uncomfortable stuff. (((NOS)))
Blessings,
Tammy
I have such a hard time staying away from my scale... and when I don't have it... I almost dive into certain behaviors bc I get so scared...
I understand every word you're saying here. please get out of my head. It's not a peaceful place to be.
Can you check out my latest post and gfive me some feedback? It's really personal to me...
thanks!
xoxo
-Lisa
Not weighing yourself really works...way to go Nos and love that you're helping out at a pet centre.nI thinkbanimals are so healing
Keep fighting NOS, we're all proud of you working towards your goals! If you can get rid of your scales for a while, that would be awesome (-:
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