My eating improved today. I didn't completely follow my meal plan, but I got really close. And I'm expecting that tomorrow I will be able to follow it to the letter-- I'm going to try as hard as I can to make this happen.
The one obstacle I will face tomorrow is that from about 10am until 4pm I'm volunteering at a pet adoption event in one of my city's parks. (When I was looking for a job I also signed up to work for an animal shelter, and tomorrow will be the first time I'm doing a shift.) I can have breakfast and dinner as I usually do, but it might be more challenging to have lunch. I've packed the packable parts of my lunch so I can take it with me, but some things I can't bring (like dairy products) so I'll have to fit it in as a snack when I come home from the event. I'm a little anxious about eating at the event because I'm not sure if anyone else is bringing their lunches and I don't want to stand out. But I have to tell myself: I have a medical condition like diabetes that demands that I eat on a regular schedule.
I also had a session with D today, and it was hard. We spoke a lot about weight and what it means to me. So what does weight mean to me? The short answer: everything. Whether or not I have a good day or a bad day is dictated by the scale. And I want to weigh less because the eating disordered part of my brain tells me that if I'm skinny all of my problems-- namely my depression-- would go away. The more sensible part of my brain tells me that I've been skinny before and I was still severely depressed. Nevertheless I continue to buy into what the eating disordered voice tells me.
D and I have decided that I'm going to try not to weigh myself anymore. There was a period in October when I gave up my scales, and as a result I didn't use any behaviors for about three weeks. I want to be in that space again. It's going to be difficult and anxiety provoking, but I feel that I need to do it to move forward. Weighing myself causes me to be tied to my disease and I desperately want to be released.