Yesterday I was not in a good space. At all. In fact, I was probably feeling more depressed than I have in months. Today, however, I have some renewed hope. Firstly, I didn't use eating disordered behaviors today-- I managed to get through the day without restricting, binging, or purging. Given my recent pattern of behavior, this was a big change
Secondly, I had an appointment with a dietitian today and it went really well! Dr. E, my psychiatrist, was really concerned about me at our last session and asked me to call this dietitian-- a woman whom I saw for three sessions in 2010. When I called her to set up an appointment she gave me the impression that what Dr. E wanted was really to have me assessed for whether I should be inpatient or not. I asked D to call her and get her up to date, and he confirmed that this was what she thought she was doing. But D told her that I would do almost anything to stay out of inpatient, and as a result the topic of inpatient barely came up during my session.
I told the dietitian what I eat according to my meal plan and she was appalled-- apparently I am barely eating enough to maintain resting metabolism, meaning that if I were to lay in bed all day and do nothing except eat what I've been eating I would barely maintain my weight. She said it's no wonder that I've been binging more frequently recently because my body is clearly needing more.
So she gave me a new meal plan. Well, actually she just added onto my old meal plan. I am terrified that this is going to make me gain weight, but I know binging, purging, and restricting will make me gain more weight, not to mention make me crazy. This is going to be a real challenge, but I am ready to move closer toward recovery and to do that I need to take risks.