Today was not a good day. As I mentioned earlier, I've been having a lot of trouble with body image, and today was exceptionally bad. It didn't help that I had group today. Because of a lot of absences, there were three girls in the group-- myself and two others. These two others, however, are walking skeletons so I was the fattest person in the room. That didn't help. Also, one of them could only talk about weight the entire time-- instead of saying she was "having a hard time" or "using more behaviors" or anything like that, she said "I lost weight" and "I'm losing weight" and "I can't gain weight". Weight, weight, weight. It made me feel like in her opinion weight is all there is to an eating disorder. And if that's true, then that means I don't have an eating disorder.
I want to be sick again. I want to be as fragile physically as I am emotionally. The only time anyone in my "real" life has ever expressed care, concern, or love for me has been when I was underweight. I want that back.