Today was not a good day. As I mentioned earlier, I've been having a lot of trouble with body image, and today was exceptionally bad. It didn't help that I had group today. Because of a lot of absences, there were three girls in the group-- myself and two others. These two others, however, are walking skeletons so I was the fattest person in the room. That didn't help. Also, one of them could only talk about weight the entire time-- instead of saying she was "having a hard time" or "using more behaviors" or anything like that, she said "I lost weight" and "I'm losing weight" and "I can't gain weight". Weight, weight, weight. It made me feel like in her opinion weight is all there is to an eating disorder. And if that's true, then that means I don't have an eating disorder.
I want to be sick again. I want to be as fragile physically as I am emotionally. The only time anyone in my "real" life has ever expressed care, concern, or love for me has been when I was underweight. I want that back.
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6 comments:
NOS I am so very sorry that you are really struggling today. ((((NOS))))
I can understand why you would want that back. Its a behavior modification of the wrong kind.
If I get sick and nearly die, someone will finally realize that I mean something to them and begin to worry a bit and show some concern and love for me.
Well... of course, its totally fucked up. But, its not you, NOS. Its THEM. They are the ones who are fucked up, because you are the most delightful, smart, giving, caring, woman and THAT is without looking like a barely walking, barely living, sick, stick.
This all made me think... There's this crazy, middle-aged, asthmatic, anorexic woman who takes my ballet class...(okay, that DOES sound a bit funny...lol) And she always has foam coming outta the sides of her mouth and she looks like a deer in the headlights... oh... AND in the dressing room, she says that she CAN'T gain any weight.
Really?
Well... of course not. She lives on fucking vitamin water all fucking day long! And she looks like hell, too.
She's gray, and her skin is dry/flakey...her arms... eeewww... S C A R Y!!! and then... there's the foaming issue... I could go on... but I'll spare you. ;)
Oh, she gets attention alright. But, not for the right reasons. Most women try to steer clear of her as far away as possible. Cause it might be contagious?
but, my point is... why on earth do you have to be in a group of walking skeletons who are clearly NOT recovering? I'm sorry, but I do not see that as being very helpful to you at this stage and I can only imagine how upsetting that must be for you.
(((hugs))) ~ L
Really glad you have gained at least a tiny bit of weight, and have got your period again - that is such a great sign of health, even if you don't think so.
Seems like you've made a lot more progress than those poor girls in your group and have more insight also.
take care
Hi NOS,
I remember when I was only focused on the"weight", too. I lacked awareness as do these girls. You have more awareness now knowing that eating disorders are very complex.
I'm sorry to hear you saying you don't feel cared for in real life. It makes me sad to hear that you are feeling that way. Here supporting you. (((NOS)))
Blessings,
Tammy
reading this reminded me how much of a huge leap it was from living in pain and addiction to living free. ...although I wanted to be free more than anything....the thought of not having the eating disorder to fall back on terrified me..I didn't know how to cope without it. It had become too much a part of me...
Nos...I'm sending you all the hope and fight in me...to you...stay safe and strong out there girl....
((((((NOS)))))) I afraid of saying the wrong thing so I will just say I care about you.
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