It's over. I've gone home to my parents' house, and I've dropped my course. I have been doing horribly in terms of eating, and as a result I have felt more suicidal than I have in a long time. While I'm home D and I are going to work hard on trying to get me back on track so that I can be healthy during the fall semester.
I feel like a complete failure. My eating disorder just doesn't go away-- pretty much since I was 16 I have been unable to maintain recovery for more than a few months. What is my problem? I should be over this already. I should have moved on.
Yesterday I typed into Google "Is recovery from an eating disorder possible" because, honestly, I'm not sure. I found this site where the author-- a registered dietitian-- writes "Unfortunately not everyone recovers, but the possibility is there." It's looking like I'm not going to be one of the lucky ones.
I will never have what I want in life. It's not likely that I will get into graduate school given my record. And if I don't get into graduate school I won't get a job that I want. I should just give up now.