It's over. I've gone home to my parents' house, and I've dropped my course. I have been doing horribly in terms of eating, and as a result I have felt more suicidal than I have in a long time. While I'm home D and I are going to work hard on trying to get me back on track so that I can be healthy during the fall semester.
I feel like a complete failure. My eating disorder just doesn't go away-- pretty much since I was 16 I have been unable to maintain recovery for more than a few months. What is my problem? I should be over this already. I should have moved on.
Yesterday I typed into Google "Is recovery from an eating disorder possible" because, honestly, I'm not sure. I found this site where the author-- a registered dietitian-- writes "Unfortunately not everyone recovers, but the possibility is there." It's looking like I'm not going to be one of the lucky ones.
I will never have what I want in life. It's not likely that I will get into graduate school given my record. And if I don't get into graduate school I won't get a job that I want. I should just give up now.
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10 comments:
NOS you are not a failure! Here supporting your decision! (((((NOSSY)))))
I should be over this already. I should have moved on.
I have been struggling with the same feeling with my depression and food issues. I've already worked on all of this! I should be fixed now! I should know what to do next! I shouldn't be back here!
But like my husband's therapist used to tell him ... "Don't 'should on yourself.'" I have an appointment with a therapist on Thursday. Even though the thought of talking about my problems with somebody makes me soooo anxious. All you can do is start where you are, right?
In the immortal words of Red Green, "I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together."
Hi NOS,
Here listening and pulling for you, too. I believe in you, Nos. This is just a bump on your way the road to recovery. If you don't have hope right now you can borrow some of mine. :) I have enough to share with you.
Sending you lots of love and hugs, sweetie.
Blessings,
Tammy
You are not a failure. You did what was best for you at the time. That is all anyone can do. Never give up on yourself. Be honest with your therapist and let them know what you are feeling. You are not alone. There are several of us that really care about you. I'm here listening and supporting someone that I think is very special. ((((NOS))))
You are NOT a failure NOS! You're a college graduate and you went for a two week trip to Israel! you can always make up the course, later. It is not a sign of failure that you need this time to regroup. In fact, I see it as a sign of maturity, that you are taking good care of yourself and doing what you need to do for you, right now.
The funny thing about life. It can only be lived one day at a time. Trite but true. For, as hard as we might try, we cannot predict the future.
Are you the same person now, that you were 10, 20 years ago? I realize that in our childhood, it is a period of relatively rapid changes. But, even when we are fully grown, we are continuously changing and our minds are changing too.
Sometimes, it is just one thing that happens that pulls us in a completely different direction.
(((hugs)))
L
Oh NOS, I sympathise with your difficult decision and I'm glad you are seeking safety. You've got a lot of time ahead of you for grad school and jobs, just get yourself well and strong.
Take care xx
Was this all happening when the tough part of the uni year hit? I know many very normal people go a bit crazy under the exam pressures of uni. So its not surprising that someone with eating issues might find those flaring up at about the same time.
well it sounds yukky. When I was new, I was told that I had to put my recovery first, and just tread water till I got to step 9. It worked for me in that I was able to get well so that drinking was not a risk and I could concentrate on other things. but even now, my wellbeing has its limits. Some environments are quite toxic to be in so I dont hang about. Not because I think I will drink but because its very disturbing for me and when I am disturbed I can't think straight. So I am limited even now in what I can and cant do. I don't see that as a failure, just a natural limit to what I can do at this time. I know my limits and I respect them. Thats what I mean. Perhaps the problem isnt your eating disorder as such, but your impatience with your own limits. Wanting to run before you can walk.
Anyway, I hope the rest helps and you are better able to see the wood for the trees NOS. Hang in there NOS, you're a lovely human being and we all love having you here. We don't like you because of your uni grades but because we just like YOU. Thats all. The grades are nice and I know you 'want' them, but they are not what make you loveable :)
What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
U2 - Beautiful Day lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co6WMzDOh1o
"I should be over this." Eating disorders are addictive and as any addiction difficult to recover and manage. Boy, do I know this with eating disorders. I'm struggling also. It took so many years to develop, so it doesn't happen overnight although I wish it would. As any recovery, there are ups and downs. I wish you would stop being so hard on yourself.
You have not failed, your journey has taken a different path. Stop beating yourself up for it. You'll get where you need to be, in time.
(((((((NOS))))))
Hey Nos....there are no shoulds....we heal as we're ready....one shakey step at a time and I used to hate it when they told me for every two steps forward you go one back. I hated that but :( it's true. Nos....I beat a serious eating disorder..I was stick skinny and refusing to eat. I was always dizzy and had terrible spasms in my legs and if I ate...I puked it up. There is healing from an eating disorder...I can attest to that....And from reading your posts for the last while....you're like me....a fighter...but defeats don't mean you lose the war...it just means you've been pushed back a bit but it's not over for you yet. Hang tight okay...never give up...like Beiber says..never say never....fight till forever!!!!
I am sorry NOS about the course, but I am glad that you recognize that you need to focus on your recovery right now. I believe in you.
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