As I mentioned on Wednesday, it has been kind of a tough week in terms of depression. Last night I felt so down and so hopeless that I seriously considered overdosing, and felt like if I had had access to a gun I would definitely use it. I guess it's "fortunate" that I don't have a gun, although it doesn't feel very good.
In order to ward off the depression last night I binged and purged. This, of course, was not an effective strategy. Well, I shouldn't say that. It felt pretty good in the moment-- that's why these behaviors are addicting-- but as soon as I was finished I felt awful. On Tuesday I felt so optimistic about things-- I thought that my new meal plan would magically stop me from engaging in behaviors. But that's clearly unrealistic; eating disorders don't appear overnight and they don't go away overnight either. I just wish they would.
Today I restricted because I'm in the cycle of binge/purge/restrict. And I'm positive that tomorrow I will restrict too because my restrictive episodes usually last two days.
In other news, I have a midterm on Monday. The problem is that because of the depression I'm having a hard time mustering the motivation to study for it. (In fact, I've been having a hard time motivating myself to do anything lately. Work today was especially difficult.) I did manage to study a little bit today, and I took a practice exam and got a 100%, so hopefully I won't be in terrible shape for my exam. But I still have to force myself to do more studying tomorrow and Sunday. It's going to be a struggle.
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5 comments:
I have faith in you NOS. One day at a time is the only way to live. Forgetting yesterday "failures" and making new goals,((((((NOS))))))
i hope it wasn't Suzanne Whang that got you down... (little joke) but I'm sorry that you're not feeling well. I remember going on binges but I never purged, just tried to "not eat" the next day, which usually lasted until about 3;00 and then, I would eat too much... I really struggled maintaining my weight in my 20s which kinda sucked for a professional dancer.
Ya know... when it really stabilized? It was after I met my, now, husband and we were together a lot... It forced me to eat more normally, because I couldn't just have two carrots in front of him and call it dinner! haha! I remember being worried that all of the "extra" food was going to make me gain weight, but it didn't! It was the starving/stuffing cycle that caused the weight gain.
If only my son had half of your worry over exams. No... not half... I would settle for 1/10th. ;) If you got a 100% on the practice exam, why are you worried at all? What part of a perfect score isn't perfect enough? :)
You ARE perfect enough, NOS-- just as you are.
((hugs)) ~ L
I am so sorry that you are feeling so depressed, but give yourself a break because their is a reason.
Addictions have cycle which include remorse and guilt which causes us to feel "bad." about ourself. That is another aspect of your cycle...you deep down think that you are a horrible person, so you unconsiously do thing to fulfill this. At least this is the case for me.
Eating disorders really suck, but try not to be so hard on yourself. You are right when you say they don't go away overnight although, I too, wish they would. I want to wish it away. Unfortunately, fantasy and not reality.
I hope that your test went well, but remember your grade is not a reflection of your worth.
(((((((NOS)))))))
Hi NOS,
Here pulling for you.
I see that you are having more awareness now. Even if you are using behaviors, you are aware that you are and that they are not helping you move forward in your recovery. Sending you lots of hugs and love.
Blessings,
Tammy
Always supporting you NOS. Thank you for your encouraging words to me. ((((NOSSY))))
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