As I mentioned on Wednesday, it has been kind of a tough week in terms of depression. Last night I felt so down and so hopeless that I seriously considered overdosing, and felt like if I had had access to a gun I would definitely use it. I guess it's "fortunate" that I don't have a gun, although it doesn't feel very good.
In order to ward off the depression last night I binged and purged. This, of course, was not an effective strategy. Well, I shouldn't say that. It felt pretty good in the moment-- that's why these behaviors are addicting-- but as soon as I was finished I felt awful. On Tuesday I felt so optimistic about things-- I thought that my new meal plan would magically stop me from engaging in behaviors. But that's clearly unrealistic; eating disorders don't appear overnight and they don't go away overnight either. I just wish they would.
Today I restricted because I'm in the cycle of binge/purge/restrict. And I'm positive that tomorrow I will restrict too because my restrictive episodes usually last two days.
In other news, I have a midterm on Monday. The problem is that because of the depression I'm having a hard time mustering the motivation to study for it. (In fact, I've been having a hard time motivating myself to do anything lately. Work today was especially difficult.) I did manage to study a little bit today, and I took a practice exam and got a 100%, so hopefully I won't be in terrible shape for my exam. But I still have to force myself to do more studying tomorrow and Sunday. It's going to be a struggle.