A Trip To The Doctor

Yesterday I went to my uni's Student Health Center in order to obtain a new prescription for birth control; I have been on birth control for a year now and I needed a new prescription for the coming year.  I always dread going to the doctor because I know it always involves getting on a scale, and I don't get on a scale for anyone other than myself, so I refuse, but it causes anxiety.  So when the intake nurse asked me to step on the scale I said "I'd prefer not to," to which she replied "Okay."  So no problem, right?  Well, as it happens, she took my blood pressure immediately after asking me to step on the scale and it was WAY higher than it normally is.  I found this to be incredibly funny.

Anyway, after the intake nurse took my basic information, the doctor came in with a nurse practitioner and said that the nurse practitioner would ask me some basic questions about my medical history, and then left.  So the nurse practitioner began asking questions-- "Any changes in health history?"  "Any side effects from the birth control?"  Questions like that.  Then she asked "Have you been sexually active recently?"  I didn't know what she meant by recently, so I asked her.  "In the last three months," she said.  I told her "No.  Currently the birth control is preventing pregnancy due to immaculate conception."  She laughed.

Then we got to the "What medications are you on?" question, and I told her: Buproprion (Wellbutrin), Lorazepam (Ativan), and Thioridazine (Mellaril).  She said she had never heard of Thioridazine before, and asked me what it was-- she said she likes to learn new things.  So I told her that it's an antipsychotic, but I take it for anxiety and sleep.  She looked at me and said "Okay."  Great.  So now she thinks I'm psychotic.

Then we got to the "What medications are you allergic to?" question, and I told her: Augmentin (rash), and Seroquel and Prozac (paralysis).  To which she responded, "Oh my god!  Paralysis?  Can you tell me about that?"  So I said "It's a long story."  To which she replied "Give me the shortened version."  So I said "I once had an allergic reaction to taking these medications and I fell into a coma and couldn't move my legs for a week after I woke up."  (The real story is that when I was 18 I decided I wanted to die so I ingested all of my hoarded stash of Seroquel, Prozac, my sister's Valium from her wisdom teeth surgery, and any other drugs I could find in the house.)  She said "Oh my goodness!"  Great.  So now she thinks I'm a train wreck.

Then she asked if I had had any recent hospitalizations, and so I told her that I was in the hospital for five days last March (I assumed she was talking about "medical" hospitalizations, not psychiatric ones).  She asked "What was that for?"  So I said, "I think I had refeeding syndrome."  To which she replied "What's that?"  So I told her "Last March I was hospitalized for an eating disorder and the hospital gave me too much food too fast."  To which she replied, "So you were first hospitalized for an eating disorder and then you were hospitalized for refeeding syndrome?"  "Yes."  "Oh, I see."  Great.  So now she thinks I'm absolutely batshit crazy.

I guess I must have passed the test, because I got my birth control.  One of the greatest things about going to a progressive university like mine is that they really respect women's rights and desires, so they sell birth control at an extremely discounted rate.  For example, my pills used to cost me $50 a month when I had the prescription from a previous doctor, but through student health a month only costs me $15.  So now I am protected against pregnancy for all of the sex I am not having.