After I wrote yesterday's post I went to the grocery store to buy laxatives, and I used them. I am not proud of that, nor am I happy with myself about it. But I must say, they did relieve my anxiety about weight and body image. I guess that's why laxatives can be habit-forming.
I had a session with D this afternoon and it was tough. We talked about the standards that I set for myself and how they are unreasonable. I told him that if I'm fat then I'm a failure, if I don't complete uni in 4 years then I'm a failure (so that means I've already failed), if I don't have friends then I'm a failure, if I don't get into graduate school then I'm a failure, and if I don't complete graduate school on time then I'm a failure. But these principles only apply to me. D says that that makes no sense, but I disagree. Firstly, who am I to determine what standards others should live up to? Secondly, I feel that if I don't hold myself to high standards then I'll really fail. Essentially I believe that being perfectionistic protects me. I know that that's magical thinking-- that my thoughts can't control what happens around me-- but it's really hard to give up my beliefs.
D says that this inflexible thinking and behavior will keep me stuck in my depression and eating disorder. I don't know if he's right or not-- if I suddenly stop being perfectionistic will I stop obsessing about food and weight? I admit that inflexibility doesn't help me get better, but I don't know if becoming flexible will be the magic ingredient in my recovery. And so I stay inflexible because it's what I know. It's safe.
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3 comments:
I agree with Dr. D.
from the Tao Te Ching :)
Do you think you could take over the universe
and improve it?
I do not believe it can be done.
Everything under heaven is a sacred vessel
and cannot be controlled.
Trying to control leads to ruin.
Trying to grasp, we lose.
Allow your life to unfold naturally.
Know that it too is a vessel of perfection.
Just as you breathe in and breathe out,
there is a time for being ahead
and a time for being behind;
a time for being in motion
and a time for being at rest;
a time for being vigorous
and a time for being exhausted;
a time for being safe
and a time for being in danger.
The Master sees things as they are,
without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way
and resides at the center of the circle.
Good Morning NOS,
I relate to what you are saying in this post. I used to be very rigid and perfectionistic for the same reasons. It made me feel safe, too. As I was able to trust the God of my understanding and realized He loved me unconditionally, I began to slowly let go of perfectionism. I know it is hard to even contemplate letting go of these survival mechanisms. For me, I set up the thought patterns because I grew up in a critical environment where I never felt like I could measure up to my Dad's expectations. One day I was able to realize that I did not need the perfectionism anymore to make me feel safe and worthy.
Here listening sweetie. I know how hard it is to walk this road of recovery. I am here cheering you on every step of the way.
Blessings,
Tammy
Gosh Nos...this hits home for m..I used to feel and think like this all the time. I think D is right....it does keep us stuck but I totally get using it to feel safe. It's a cycle that's so hard to get off of. Stay strong out there and know this....I for one think you're the total best. ☺
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