I'm having a really rough time recently. My eating has been off, and therefore my depression has been strong. On Friday I binged, and I hate myself for it. Really, hate. As I was eating I was looking for things to hang myself from in my room, and I was seriously considering doing it. The next day I used laxatives, and ever since then I have been restricting to try and get my weight back to what it was. I know this is bad for me. I know I do not want to be doing it. But it feels like it's beyond my control at times. Today I had some hummus and pita chips and as soon as I was finished eating I was filled with regret and self-loathing.
I'm a mess. And I'm scared-- the past few days have been the worst things have been since before I went to the hospital last year. I'm not at a point where I need to be hospitalized, but I'm terrified that things will head in that direction. But I CANNOT be hospitalized again because I can't give up everything I have worked so hard to obtain. And I feel like I have no support; I feel like D is powerless to help me. I feel like I am on my own. I'm really hoping that going to Israel this Thursday will serve as a symptom interruption and maybe I can reset and start anew.
Today I had a session with D and I was in a bad mood so I "aired my grievances." Among those grievances was the fact that he promised to contact Shrinkiepoo and tell him how traumatizing the ECT was for me. As soon as I mentioned this I completely broke down. Undergoing ECT was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I am plagued with intrusive visions of being forced to undergo this procedure. I am no stranger to having things done to me that I don't want, and I must say that this is the most painful to remember and relive.
I want this period of my life to be over.