I'm having a really rough time recently. My eating has been off, and therefore my depression has been strong. On Friday I binged, and I hate myself for it. Really, hate. As I was eating I was looking for things to hang myself from in my room, and I was seriously considering doing it. The next day I used laxatives, and ever since then I have been restricting to try and get my weight back to what it was. I know this is bad for me. I know I do not want to be doing it. But it feels like it's beyond my control at times. Today I had some hummus and pita chips and as soon as I was finished eating I was filled with regret and self-loathing.
I'm a mess. And I'm scared-- the past few days have been the worst things have been since before I went to the hospital last year. I'm not at a point where I need to be hospitalized, but I'm terrified that things will head in that direction. But I CANNOT be hospitalized again because I can't give up everything I have worked so hard to obtain. And I feel like I have no support; I feel like D is powerless to help me. I feel like I am on my own. I'm really hoping that going to Israel this Thursday will serve as a symptom interruption and maybe I can reset and start anew.
Today I had a session with D and I was in a bad mood so I "aired my grievances." Among those grievances was the fact that he promised to contact Shrinkiepoo and tell him how traumatizing the ECT was for me. As soon as I mentioned this I completely broke down. Undergoing ECT was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I am plagued with intrusive visions of being forced to undergo this procedure. I am no stranger to having things done to me that I don't want, and I must say that this is the most painful to remember and relive.
I want this period of my life to be over.
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6 comments:
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment NOS. Hope your trip to Israel is a chance to get your head clear and refocus. Those self destructive thoughts are so hard to avoid sometimes. Sending you positive vibes xx
Good Morning NOS,
So sorry to hear you are struggling. Here listening and supporting you.
(((NOS)))
Blessings,
Tammy
hun, I'm sorry. I'm going through a self destructive phase myself so I know what it's like to hate yourself for doing it, yet you do it.
head up though! You can make things better. We both can! Let's beat this beast together!!!
xoxo
-Lisa
NOS I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Don't give up you have come to far. Your trip should help your mind set. Always here for you. Wanda
ECT sounds truly cruel.
You can make it through.
I get this so much.I hated all the times I was forced to do what I didn't want. It's so degrading and strips something away that they had no right to do. Sending you a ton of hugs. In your corner Nos...always.
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