Back On The Wagon

Finally, after two days of restricting I finally followed my meal plan.  There were a few points in the day when I really considered using behaviors, but I managed to resist the urges.  One of those behaviors was laxative abuse; even though I threw away my laxatives a few weeks ago, I considered going to the pharmacy on the corner and buying some.  (Feel free to skip to the next paragraph if you are not keen on reading about my digestive system.)  I get really anxious when I don't have a bowel movement because I think it will distort my weight the next day; using laxatives relieves that anxiety.  And the past two days have been lacking in the BM department, so I was tempted.  But I told myself that taking laxatives would only damage my digestive system more and make it even more difficult to poop on my own.  Instead I considered buying a fiber supplement pill or drink mix.  But today my body got back on track so I'm going to hold off and see if it can heal itself.

But I was anxious about my weight this morning-- it was a fine number, but I was/am worried that the restricting would harm my metabolism and that I'd gain weight even if I followed my meal plan.  So I had a choice: I could do nothing and sit with the anxiety; I could restrict, but not too severely; or I could do some exercise.  The first option was not realistic, the second would have made me feel deprived (and could have set me up for a binge), so I chose the third.  I went on a really, really long walk, so hopefully my weight will be acceptable tomorrow.  I just want to be at an okay number and be able to stay there.  That would be nice.

Then this afternoon I went downtown to a restaurant to apply for a hostess position.  I saw an ad for an opening on Craigslist last night and decided to give it a try.  Interestingly enough, the restaurant is one at which EN worked as a hostess when she was a senior, so I definitely wrote her name down on the application.  I dressed up in a cute summer outfit (in fact, my body image wasn't terrible too!) because I thought I'd be meeting with the manager and it's a relatively upscale restaurant, but all I did was fill out an application.  I was really hopeful that this position would work out, but unfortunately when I got to the restaurant there were two other people filling out applications too, so I guess my chances aren't as good as I had hoped.  But later today I got a call from another restaurant asking to schedule an interview, so I'm still trying.  This job search process has not been enjoyable.