Back On Track

I did it!  Today I ate according to my meal plan!  There were times when the eating disordered thoughts kicked in, but I reminded myself that indulging them will most likely lead to the awful experiences I have been having the past week or two, and I don't want to endure that again.  Also, the pattern I was getting into was disturbingly similar to where I was this time last year, and I know that if I started to do that again I would once again plan to kill myself.  Yes, it was that bad.

Speaking of last year, this week marks the anniversary of the intervention that got me sent to the hospital.  (For a brief summary of my experiences there, check out this post.)  And I must admit, I feel like I've come a long way.  Today I ate three meals and a snack-- I could not have done that in March 2010.  Back then I probably hadn't had a proper meal since I left treatment I left treatment in December 2009.  And if we exclude my time in facilities, before now I hadn't eaten a meal since I was about 13.  This past week demonstrates the fact that I am not perfect and that my behavior and thoughts are still influenced by my eating disorder, but most of the time I eat consistently and healthfully.  I'm glad to be in a different stage in my life right now.

On a completely unrelated note, I saw on S's Facebook status that he was upset because several bad things had happened to him this week.  So I texted him to see what was going on and to offer my support.  Over the last week he got wait-listed at his preferred graduate school (he wants to get a master's degree in music), rejected from another, he wasn't chosen to play lead trumpet in a certain piece, and he didn't make it to the finals in the National Trumpet Competition.  Poor baby!

But I must admit, there's a part of me that is pleased with the way things have turned out for him.  Ever since middle school S has been the kind of person who gets great achievements by doing the absolute minimum-- he never worked for his successes because he was just naturally good at the trumpet and his parents are extremely wealthy.  I wanted him to not get into his first choice school because, frankly, I'm jealous that I have had to work my ass off to get to where I am and he just gets everything he wants served to him on a platter.  That may make me a bad person, but it's just not fair!  I want justice, but nothing could possibly make up for what I've been through.