I didn't post yesterday because I literally spent the entire day studying and I had nothing to say. I also spent all of Saturday studying. I hate this. All I do is study-- I never have time for myself. It's not that I have so many personal interests and hobbies, it's just that I don't want to be memorizing facts about health insurance and the medical profession for 14 hours each day. During my session with D today he asked me what I would do if I had free time. I said "Sleep."
Then we started talking about needs. He pointed out that my basic needs are being met-- I eat, sleep, shower, and brush my teeth-- but my higher needs are not. He asked me what I needed and I said "To be in a coma." Really, that's what I want. I want to just remove myself from my life and slip into unconsciousness so I won't have to deal with anything. Coma patients don't have to take midterms. They don't have to go to class and pay attention. They don't have to get dressed in the morning. They don't have to put on a happy face so that no one suspects depression. They basically don't have to exist.
D said that I should pay attention to my needs this week, but in a positive way. Meaning instead of focusing on what I don't need (not to be conscious) that I should instead think about what I do need. I can think of a ton of things I don't need but only one thing I do need: friends. But that doesn't look like it's happening.
I've also been having thoughts about hanging myself the past few days. I have no intent, don't worry, but sometimes it looks really enticing. I could just end all of this crap.
Clearly I'm depressed.
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5 comments:
I still think that you're fantastic, even if you're depressed. True friends are not easy to come by. It takes time, and you have time, sweetie. I know you put your self worth into your grades but you are just so, so much more than that.
It probably doesn't help much, but at least know that I care. (((hugs))) L
It breaks my heart to hear you say you would like to be in a coma. I do understand deep depression I do. You have got to give yourself a break. I know I can give advise that I'm not taking myself, but you have far to much going for you to give up. I care and so do a lot of others. Try to find some way to release some of the pressure you are putting on yourself. Hugs sweetie.
well meditation is described as taking a 'tea break' for the mind. without tea breaks from relentless thinking, the mind just gets worn out and depressed.
the long hours are bc u r a perfectionist and bc they give you far more stuff than u need to learn to pass the exam. students who dont know how to be strategic or are perfectionists give themselves impossible and life-destroying workloads. but even with strategy, its still a lot to do.
all work and no play makes jack a dul boy. u need to switch off somehow as an act of self preservation. we all do. otherwise we would all hate our lives.
full on study is depressing without some little bit f life outside of it to offer relief from the tedium of study. aa meetings offer a one hour lunch break plus social interaction, but you could go feed the ducks instead, or some other pleasant interval. otherwise it all gets far too much..
loads of students feel like shite, but perfectionism is not so common, so people manage to do something to take the heat off the relentless books.. a meditation tea break would put your thinking brain up on the bricks for an hour r so and give it a much needed respite from thinking, so u cld try that too.. give that brain a chance to cool of and recharge its bateries..
heres some meditations for ur ipod if u have none..
http://www.dhammaloka.org.au/downloads/itemlist/category/24-guided-meditation.html
some half hour ones..
http://www.dhammaloka.org.au/downloads/itemlist/category/25-half-hour.html
thanks for sharing NOS :) always good to see ur posts :) and I hope the relentless study life seems more bearable soon :)
Good Morning NOS,
Here listening and sending you a hug.
(((NOS)))
NOSSY, here supporting you. :)
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