I didn't post yesterday because I literally spent the entire day studying and I had nothing to say. I also spent all of Saturday studying. I hate this. All I do is study-- I never have time for myself. It's not that I have so many personal interests and hobbies, it's just that I don't want to be memorizing facts about health insurance and the medical profession for 14 hours each day. During my session with D today he asked me what I would do if I had free time. I said "Sleep."
Then we started talking about needs. He pointed out that my basic needs are being met-- I eat, sleep, shower, and brush my teeth-- but my higher needs are not. He asked me what I needed and I said "To be in a coma." Really, that's what I want. I want to just remove myself from my life and slip into unconsciousness so I won't have to deal with anything. Coma patients don't have to take midterms. They don't have to go to class and pay attention. They don't have to get dressed in the morning. They don't have to put on a happy face so that no one suspects depression. They basically don't have to exist.
D said that I should pay attention to my needs this week, but in a positive way. Meaning instead of focusing on what I don't need (not to be conscious) that I should instead think about what I do need. I can think of a ton of things I don't need but only one thing I do need: friends. But that doesn't look like it's happening.
I've also been having thoughts about hanging myself the past few days. I have no intent, don't worry, but sometimes it looks really enticing. I could just end all of this crap.
Clearly I'm depressed.