Today was significantly better than yesterday-- I've mostly felt neutral. Firstly, I slept in late for the first time in weeks. Lately my dog has been getting me up at around 6am or earlier to go outside or I have just been unable to sleep for an extended period of time, so today was a nice change of pace.
Then I had group. It went fine-- nothing really to write home about (or blog about, as the case may be).
I spent the rest of the day doing work for my summer class. We have a big paper due at the end of the term and the professor is making us do little assignments along the way; this Thursday we have to submit our thesis statement so I decided to begin reading about the topic I want to write about (euthanasia and suicide). Luckily the professor does not want us to do any research outside of our textbook so all I have to do is read the appropriate chapter. I tend to like getting my work done on the weekends so that during the week if I'm too tired to do anything after class I can allow myself to relax.
Despite having a better day than yesterday, I am still feeling intense anger towards Shrinkiepoo. Like, I can't get the feeling out of my head. It's an obsession and I feel like it won't be resolved until I actually fire him. I'm anxious to call the counseling center on Monday to discuss the situation with them and ask for referrals to different psychiatrists in the uni area. I just want Shrinkiepoo to be in my past.
On a completely different note, I've been really worried about my friend from treatment (who happens to live nearby), AD. She's 30 years old and a couple of weeks ago she found a lump in her breast. The last time I saw her she had had a mammogram but hadn't gotten the results back yet. Last weekend I left her two messages inviting her to see a movie with me and she never called back. She also hasn't called me this week, so it's been two weeks since I have spoken to her. I'm really concerned that maybe she got some bad news and is not in the mood to see people (which would be understandable). I just don't know if she's okay or not. I really hope everything is okay with her-- she doesn't deserve to have more hardship in her life. But then again, I guess none of us do.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Shut Down
Yesterday was awful. Just dreadful. It began with a phone session with Shrinkiepoo in which he told me that if I were to get depressed he would first prescribe drugs that could cause weight gain (which he knows I refuse to take) and then recommend ECT. I got so angry and basically mouthed off to him the rest of the session. When I called him controlling he said I was controlling, but I said it's my life-- I have a right to be controlling over it whereas he doesn't. Luckily he is now going on vacation for three weeks and I won't hear from him until August 24.
After my session with Shrinkiepoo I had a session with D. Apparently Shrinkiepoo called D after our phone call to tell him that I was angry and likely to fire him. So I told D that I was going to fire Shrinkiepoo and D said "Don't shoot yourself in the foot. They may not allow you to go back to uni if you're not seeing Shrinkiepoo." I got SO ANGRY. And SO UPSET. I just shut down. I pulled my knees up to my body and just sat, cried, didn't make eye contact with D and only said "I hate my life" and "I can't do this anymore, I can't do treatment anymore." What I didn't tell D was that I was incredibly depressed and suicidal-- that I was seriously considering going home and taking my entire stash of pills and just ending all of this crap. I ended the session early and when I got in my car to go home I just sat and sobbed for fifteen minutes.
A couple hours after my session with D I had a phone call with my uni advisor whom I love. We mostly discussed my academic plan for the semester, but since she is on the return from leave committee I asked her about Shrinkiepoo. I told her that I wanted to see a different psychiatrist and asked whether doing that would cause uni to reject my return. She said no, as long as I have a replacement plan. She told me to contact Student Health to find someone who could monitor my physical health. Then she told me that I should call the counseling center and ask them (a) if they received all of the paperwork they needed, and (b) if they could recommend psychiatrists in the uni area. So I was a little encouraged that my advisor essentially okayed my plan to fire Shrinkiepoo.
I already emailed Dr. S, the doctor whom I saw several times last spring, and she agreed to monitor my health. I tried to call the counseling center but the person whom I wanted to talk to wasn't there, so I will call back on Monday. But reader, I vow to you this: steps are being taken to remove Shrinkiepoo from my life. He will soon be gone, and I could not be more glad. (You know there's a problem when the vast majority of your problems stem from the person who is supposed to be treating your problems.)
This time baby I'll be bulletproof.
After my session with Shrinkiepoo I had a session with D. Apparently Shrinkiepoo called D after our phone call to tell him that I was angry and likely to fire him. So I told D that I was going to fire Shrinkiepoo and D said "Don't shoot yourself in the foot. They may not allow you to go back to uni if you're not seeing Shrinkiepoo." I got SO ANGRY. And SO UPSET. I just shut down. I pulled my knees up to my body and just sat, cried, didn't make eye contact with D and only said "I hate my life" and "I can't do this anymore, I can't do treatment anymore." What I didn't tell D was that I was incredibly depressed and suicidal-- that I was seriously considering going home and taking my entire stash of pills and just ending all of this crap. I ended the session early and when I got in my car to go home I just sat and sobbed for fifteen minutes.
A couple hours after my session with D I had a phone call with my uni advisor whom I love. We mostly discussed my academic plan for the semester, but since she is on the return from leave committee I asked her about Shrinkiepoo. I told her that I wanted to see a different psychiatrist and asked whether doing that would cause uni to reject my return. She said no, as long as I have a replacement plan. She told me to contact Student Health to find someone who could monitor my physical health. Then she told me that I should call the counseling center and ask them (a) if they received all of the paperwork they needed, and (b) if they could recommend psychiatrists in the uni area. So I was a little encouraged that my advisor essentially okayed my plan to fire Shrinkiepoo.
I already emailed Dr. S, the doctor whom I saw several times last spring, and she agreed to monitor my health. I tried to call the counseling center but the person whom I wanted to talk to wasn't there, so I will call back on Monday. But reader, I vow to you this: steps are being taken to remove Shrinkiepoo from my life. He will soon be gone, and I could not be more glad. (You know there's a problem when the vast majority of your problems stem from the person who is supposed to be treating your problems.)
This time baby I'll be bulletproof.
Friday, July 30, 2010
This Time Baby I'll Be Bulletproof
Bulletproof, La Roux
Been there done that messed around
I'm having fun don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I won't let you in again
The messages I've tried to send
My information's just not going in
Burning bridges shore to shore
I'll break away from something more
I'm not to not to love until it's cheap
Been there done that messed around
I'm having fun don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
This time baby I'll be bulletproof
This time baby I'll be bulletproof
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
To walk away from something when it's dead
Do do do your dirty words
Come out to play when you are heard
There's certain things that should be left unsaid
Tick tick tick tick on the watch
And life's too short for me to stop
Oh baby, your time is running out
I won't let you turn around
And tell me now I'm much too proud
All you do is fill me up with doubt
This time baby I'll be bulletproof
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wary, Angry And Frustrated
So remember yesterday when I said that I had received an email from the head of uni housing and that I was hoping to have been placed in a different dorm? Well, it turns out that I'm still in the same room in the inferior dorm but I now have a roommate. We've already started emailing each other to coordinate things that we're going to share but she doesn't seem that keen on sharing with me-- she's bringing her own cutlery and pots and pans even though I told her that I had some. The good news is that I can now, without guilt, set up my TV in my room (we have separate rooms within an apartment-style dorm). I know I don't have to love her, but I'm already wary and turned off by her. I hope things turn out well.
Also, as promised, D called Shrinkiepoo to try and tell him how I've been feeling about my relationship with Shrinkiepoo (summary: not good), the plan to have me return home every weekend for group and therapy, and the circumstances under which ECT would be recommended. D called me today to tell me what was said. According to him Shrinkiepoo understands that our relationship is screwed. He still wants me to return home every weekend. And apparently he did not explain his stance on ECT well because he thinks along the lines of what D thinks-- that only if death is probable would it be prescribed-- and that is certainly not how he made it out to seem on the phone on Monday. They both agree that they want me to report any slip in mood immediately so action can be taken, but I don't know if I'll be able to do that. I am too afraid of the consequences; D and Shrinkiepoo both have an inappropriate amount of control over my life and uni career. I have little incentive to tell the truth. But then if that's true, what's the point of even engaging in therapy?
I also had a little scuffle with my mom today. While we were watching TV together she said "NOS, do you remember on Monday when you said I could call D to talk about you dropping your acting class? Well, can I call him?" First I corrected her: I did not say that she could call D, but that D could call her if she didn't believe that I discussed it with him. Then I told her no they couldn't speak, that I want to keep my therapeutic life from her; I already think she has too much contact with my treatment team with our mandatory phone sessions with Shrinkiepoo. I know this is going to come up with Shrinkiepoo as a "regression in my recovery" but I don't care anymore. I am tired of doing everything to please others and prove that I am compliant. I've had enough. So my mom got angry and did what she usually does: she gave me the silent treatment like a four year old. She makes me so angry.
One last issue: SH. I am very frustrated with her. She always has an excuse not to do something that's healthy for her; she's either tired, overwhelmed, stressed, scared or just says "maybe" and then never follows through. I don't think she realizes that recovery from an eating disorder entails acting in a certain way even if it is tiring, overwhelming, stressful or scary. She's keeping herself stuck but then asks me for help. And I am really tired of hearing her excuses. If she weren't my only friend I might consider taking a break from the relationship. But without her I have no one, so I continue to be frustrated.
Also, as promised, D called Shrinkiepoo to try and tell him how I've been feeling about my relationship with Shrinkiepoo (summary: not good), the plan to have me return home every weekend for group and therapy, and the circumstances under which ECT would be recommended. D called me today to tell me what was said. According to him Shrinkiepoo understands that our relationship is screwed. He still wants me to return home every weekend. And apparently he did not explain his stance on ECT well because he thinks along the lines of what D thinks-- that only if death is probable would it be prescribed-- and that is certainly not how he made it out to seem on the phone on Monday. They both agree that they want me to report any slip in mood immediately so action can be taken, but I don't know if I'll be able to do that. I am too afraid of the consequences; D and Shrinkiepoo both have an inappropriate amount of control over my life and uni career. I have little incentive to tell the truth. But then if that's true, what's the point of even engaging in therapy?
I also had a little scuffle with my mom today. While we were watching TV together she said "NOS, do you remember on Monday when you said I could call D to talk about you dropping your acting class? Well, can I call him?" First I corrected her: I did not say that she could call D, but that D could call her if she didn't believe that I discussed it with him. Then I told her no they couldn't speak, that I want to keep my therapeutic life from her; I already think she has too much contact with my treatment team with our mandatory phone sessions with Shrinkiepoo. I know this is going to come up with Shrinkiepoo as a "regression in my recovery" but I don't care anymore. I am tired of doing everything to please others and prove that I am compliant. I've had enough. So my mom got angry and did what she usually does: she gave me the silent treatment like a four year old. She makes me so angry.
One last issue: SH. I am very frustrated with her. She always has an excuse not to do something that's healthy for her; she's either tired, overwhelmed, stressed, scared or just says "maybe" and then never follows through. I don't think she realizes that recovery from an eating disorder entails acting in a certain way even if it is tiring, overwhelming, stressful or scary. She's keeping herself stuck but then asks me for help. And I am really tired of hearing her excuses. If she weren't my only friend I might consider taking a break from the relationship. But without her I have no one, so I continue to be frustrated.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
A Welcomed Change
I am in a relatively good mood today. I've had a decent amount of energy and I ate according to my meal plan. A nice change from what's been going on this week.
Today I received an email from the man in charge of uni housing. It was a standard email that I'm sure he sends to several students (I received an identical email last week) saying that I have been placed in student housing and that I will be able to view my assignment starting tomorrow (Thursday). So I wonder if this means that I was transferred to one of the dorms that I really want to live in! I don't know what the email means, but I am hopeful that maybe this will be the case. If not that 's fine too. I've pretty much come to terms with the housing to which I have already been assigned. It's not ideal, but at least it's with another person and I'll have my own room.
Also, I have decided that when I return to school, in an effort to branch out and meet people, I am going to audition for my uni's wind ensemble. I play several instruments-- piano, clarinet, bass clarinet, saxophone-- but I am going to audition on bass clarinet because I believe I have the best chances of getting in on that instrument. I haven't played any of the wind instruments since high school. So today I pulled out my old bass clarinet music and started to practice. I practiced for about a half hour; I figure that if I practice about a half hour (almost) every day then when the audition comes along I will be very proficient. I'm actually really excited about the prospect of being in the wind ensemble. I think that would be a lot of fun.
It's a nice to have something in life to look forward to. It takes a little of the edge off of the depression.
Today I received an email from the man in charge of uni housing. It was a standard email that I'm sure he sends to several students (I received an identical email last week) saying that I have been placed in student housing and that I will be able to view my assignment starting tomorrow (Thursday). So I wonder if this means that I was transferred to one of the dorms that I really want to live in! I don't know what the email means, but I am hopeful that maybe this will be the case. If not that 's fine too. I've pretty much come to terms with the housing to which I have already been assigned. It's not ideal, but at least it's with another person and I'll have my own room.
Also, I have decided that when I return to school, in an effort to branch out and meet people, I am going to audition for my uni's wind ensemble. I play several instruments-- piano, clarinet, bass clarinet, saxophone-- but I am going to audition on bass clarinet because I believe I have the best chances of getting in on that instrument. I haven't played any of the wind instruments since high school. So today I pulled out my old bass clarinet music and started to practice. I practiced for about a half hour; I figure that if I practice about a half hour (almost) every day then when the audition comes along I will be very proficient. I'm actually really excited about the prospect of being in the wind ensemble. I think that would be a lot of fun.
It's a nice to have something in life to look forward to. It takes a little of the edge off of the depression.
When Your Heart Has Expired
I'll Cover You (Reprise), Rent
Live in my house
I'll be your shelter
Just pay me back
With one thousand kisses
Be my lover
And I'll cover you
Open your door
I'll be your tenant
Don't got much baggage to lay at your feet
But sweet kisses I've got to spare
I'll be there
And I'll cover you
I think they meant it when they said you can't buy love
Now I know you can rent it, a new lease you were my love
On life
All my life
I've longed to discover something as true as this is
So with a thousand sweet kisses (If you're cold and you're lonely)
I'll cover you
With a thousand sweet kisses (You've got one nickel only)
I'll cover you
With a thousand sweet kisses (When you're worn out and tired)
I'll cover you
With a thousand sweet kisses (When your heart has expired)
Oh lover, I'll cover you
Oh lover, I'll cover you
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty five thousand-- seasons of love
I'll cover you
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Fuming About Shrinkiepoo
I spent most of today fuming about Shrinkiepoo's threats against me (see this post). On the 50 minute commute to my philosophy class this morning it was all I could think about. I really do hate that man. And I have decided that I'm not going to stand for his shit anymore.
I had a session with D today-- I called him yesterday, upset about my session with Shrinkiepoo, and asked for an extra meeting before our usual Friday session. And let me say, I really like D. He is on my side. He is not controlling. He listens to me. He's my advocate. I told him about Shrinkiepoo's ECT threat and D said that he didn't agree with it. He said that in his opinion ECT would only come on the table if I was going to die; if it were ECT or NOS's death he would choose ECT. Understandable. I can agree to that. But Shrinkiepoo made it seem like if my mood slips even a little he will force me to undergo ECT again, and that I just won't do. (ECT was traumatic enough the first time around and I was forced into doing it then as well.) So D said he'd call Shrinkiepoo tomorrow to discuss this and to tell him that threatening a girl with an eating disorder/control issues will not turn out well.
But I think that as soon as I get back to uni I am going to start looking for a new psychiatrist. I no longer feel comfortable telling Shrinkiepoo how I'm feeling, and he does not respect me or my autonomy in the least. I have boundaries and Shrinkiepoo has overstepped them.
I had a session with D today-- I called him yesterday, upset about my session with Shrinkiepoo, and asked for an extra meeting before our usual Friday session. And let me say, I really like D. He is on my side. He is not controlling. He listens to me. He's my advocate. I told him about Shrinkiepoo's ECT threat and D said that he didn't agree with it. He said that in his opinion ECT would only come on the table if I was going to die; if it were ECT or NOS's death he would choose ECT. Understandable. I can agree to that. But Shrinkiepoo made it seem like if my mood slips even a little he will force me to undergo ECT again, and that I just won't do. (ECT was traumatic enough the first time around and I was forced into doing it then as well.) So D said he'd call Shrinkiepoo tomorrow to discuss this and to tell him that threatening a girl with an eating disorder/control issues will not turn out well.
But I think that as soon as I get back to uni I am going to start looking for a new psychiatrist. I no longer feel comfortable telling Shrinkiepoo how I'm feeling, and he does not respect me or my autonomy in the least. I have boundaries and Shrinkiepoo has overstepped them.
Monday, July 26, 2010
In Need Of Improvement
Things haven't been great for me the past few days. On a positive note first, I had group on Saturday and one of the girls wrote me a lovely card congratulating me for getting the go-ahead to go back to uni. It was so sweet, and it made my day. I decided that this weekend I am going to bake her cookies and write her a card because I really want to show her how much her gesture meant to me.
Then, I spent all of yesterday (Sunday) in bed. I literally did not move all day. I just couldn't-- I was emotionally and physically exhausted and I'm not sure why.
Today, at the urging of Shrinkiepoo and D, I decided to drop my acting class. The teacher was bordering on verbally abusive and I just didn't want to sit there for nine hours each week being told how horrible I am and watching others being told that they are bad too. My parents are not happy with this decision; my mom thinks that it's my M.O. to drop classes and avoid anything difficult, but I disagree. True, this is not the first class I have dropped in my life, but I am just trying not to put up any extra obstacles between me and happiness. But nonetheless I feel guilty for letting my parents down. I feel like I'm a waste of money.
I also had an appointment with Shrinkiepoo today and I have decided that I officially hate him. He said that if my depression were to worsen he would "recommend" ECT again, but I told him that I am never doing that again. Then he essentially threatened that if I didn't do ECT again he would "reconsider" whether it was appropriate for me to be at uni. So there you have it: I am never going to tell him anything ever again. What is my incentive for being truthful? Either I'll have to leave uni or endure ECT again (which is currently making me cry just thinking about the proposition). So, excuse my language, I fucking hate Shrinkiepoo's guts. And I am considering finding a different psychiatrist when I return to uni. I'd rather be on no meds at all than be threatened by a man on a power trip. Getting into a control war with a girl with an eating disorder is not the wisest move. I will always win, even if I end up losing in the big picture.
Then, I spent all of yesterday (Sunday) in bed. I literally did not move all day. I just couldn't-- I was emotionally and physically exhausted and I'm not sure why.
Today, at the urging of Shrinkiepoo and D, I decided to drop my acting class. The teacher was bordering on verbally abusive and I just didn't want to sit there for nine hours each week being told how horrible I am and watching others being told that they are bad too. My parents are not happy with this decision; my mom thinks that it's my M.O. to drop classes and avoid anything difficult, but I disagree. True, this is not the first class I have dropped in my life, but I am just trying not to put up any extra obstacles between me and happiness. But nonetheless I feel guilty for letting my parents down. I feel like I'm a waste of money.
I also had an appointment with Shrinkiepoo today and I have decided that I officially hate him. He said that if my depression were to worsen he would "recommend" ECT again, but I told him that I am never doing that again. Then he essentially threatened that if I didn't do ECT again he would "reconsider" whether it was appropriate for me to be at uni. So there you have it: I am never going to tell him anything ever again. What is my incentive for being truthful? Either I'll have to leave uni or endure ECT again (which is currently making me cry just thinking about the proposition). So, excuse my language, I fucking hate Shrinkiepoo's guts. And I am considering finding a different psychiatrist when I return to uni. I'd rather be on no meds at all than be threatened by a man on a power trip. Getting into a control war with a girl with an eating disorder is not the wisest move. I will always win, even if I end up losing in the big picture.
My Absence
I'm sorry for being absent the past few days. I have just been incredibly tired and unable to drag myself out of bed to get to the computer. But I have class today, so I'm forced to get up. I'll post a more substantial post later, but I want to apologize for losing track of your blogs as well. Hopefully I'll be better now!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Tear-Filled Day
It's been a tiring day. Well, maybe just emotionally tiring.
I woke up this morning to a Facebook message from my friend JB's mom. You see, I met JB when I went to treatment when I was 17. She was my roommate for three weeks but was then discharged because the treatment center believed she didn't want help anymore. A week later she killed herself. There's a Facebook group dedicated to her memory (of which I am a member) and JB's mom just found it today, JB's 22nd birthday. In the message, her mom thanked me for the kind things that I posted to the group and for remembering JB. She said "That you cared for my baby means the world to me." I couldn't help but cry. Having her mom thank me felt weird-- I can't quite put my finger on the right emotion. JB's death in 2006 (she was 17) has always stuck with me. They say that the people left behind in a suicide are always left a wreck and I think that's true-- I have never been the same since the moment I heard the words "JB is dead." Having it brought up was just a tough start to the day. (But don't get me wrong, I don't want to forget her. Ever.)
Then I had a session with D. It lasted about an hour and forty five minutes-- he always runs over. I'd say for the first forty five minutes I was pretty calm-- we were talking about how much I hate my acting class (he thinks I should drop it). But then we started talking about uni and I told him basically what I said yesterday: that I am terrified that I will relapse with my eating disorder, my depression, my social isolation and my suicidality. I'm afraid that I'm not college material, that I will fail again. Dave says my prognosis for uni is "excellent," but I think he is being too optimistic. I have never been able to live a healthy, balanced life at uni and I'm not sure if I can. So I spent the last hour bawling, blurting out all of my fears like word vomit. By the time I left there was barely any makeup remaining on my face.
I'm currently reading a book called The Center Cannot Hold, a memoir by a very successful schizophrenic law professor. Each time she becomes psychotic her doctor tells her to take her medication-- Navane-- and she immediately begins to feel better. I have probably swallowed several thousand pills in my time (not to mention had electricity sent through my brain) and none of them have been able to make me happy. None just take away my symptoms. They barely do anything. I just wish it were that easy-- take a pill, feel better. But my disorders don't work like that. Unfortunately.
I'm feeling depressed.
I woke up this morning to a Facebook message from my friend JB's mom. You see, I met JB when I went to treatment when I was 17. She was my roommate for three weeks but was then discharged because the treatment center believed she didn't want help anymore. A week later she killed herself. There's a Facebook group dedicated to her memory (of which I am a member) and JB's mom just found it today, JB's 22nd birthday. In the message, her mom thanked me for the kind things that I posted to the group and for remembering JB. She said "That you cared for my baby means the world to me." I couldn't help but cry. Having her mom thank me felt weird-- I can't quite put my finger on the right emotion. JB's death in 2006 (she was 17) has always stuck with me. They say that the people left behind in a suicide are always left a wreck and I think that's true-- I have never been the same since the moment I heard the words "JB is dead." Having it brought up was just a tough start to the day. (But don't get me wrong, I don't want to forget her. Ever.)
Then I had a session with D. It lasted about an hour and forty five minutes-- he always runs over. I'd say for the first forty five minutes I was pretty calm-- we were talking about how much I hate my acting class (he thinks I should drop it). But then we started talking about uni and I told him basically what I said yesterday: that I am terrified that I will relapse with my eating disorder, my depression, my social isolation and my suicidality. I'm afraid that I'm not college material, that I will fail again. Dave says my prognosis for uni is "excellent," but I think he is being too optimistic. I have never been able to live a healthy, balanced life at uni and I'm not sure if I can. So I spent the last hour bawling, blurting out all of my fears like word vomit. By the time I left there was barely any makeup remaining on my face.
I'm currently reading a book called The Center Cannot Hold, a memoir by a very successful schizophrenic law professor. Each time she becomes psychotic her doctor tells her to take her medication-- Navane-- and she immediately begins to feel better. I have probably swallowed several thousand pills in my time (not to mention had electricity sent through my brain) and none of them have been able to make me happy. None just take away my symptoms. They barely do anything. I just wish it were that easy-- take a pill, feel better. But my disorders don't work like that. Unfortunately.
I'm feeling depressed.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Uni And Uni-Related Items
So remember yesterday when I told you that I put in a call to D to discuss the commuting situation? Well, he called back. And let me just say that I am the first to admit that I am using D to manipulate Shrinkiepoo (I'm not proud of it, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do). I told D that Shrinkiepoo's idea of "discussing" the prospect of me commuting home every Saturday was threatening that I wouldn't go to uni if I didn't agree to it. I told him how I feel like I am being kept on the shortest possible leash. I told him that I feel like all my rights have been taken away just like I'm in the hospital, but that I'm not in the hospital because I am doing well enough to live without having doctors make all of my decisions for me. I told him that I feel like I am being treated like I am doing much worse than I am actually doing, that I'm not being given any credit or faith. I told him that coming home every Saturday would ruin my uni experience and I want really badly to be happy there. My language was peppered with expletives. He said we would talk more about this in our session on Friday and that he would put in a call to Shrinkiepoo to discuss this. My manipulation may have worked.
In the good-ish news department, Shrinkiepoo left me a message today while I was in class saying that I was granted uni dorm housing! I'm not living in the buildings I was hoping to have gotten and it's not in the most convenient location, but my room is apparently really nice. It's an apartment-style dorm, meaning that there's a kitchen, living room and bathroom plus two bedrooms-- one for me and one for my roommate. I'll be able to have someone there so I don't isolate too much and I'll be able to have my privacy. It's really the best of both worlds.
But I've been feeling really scared about going back to uni. It's interesting-- when I was there I absolutely hated it and hated my life and wanted to die, but the second I was removed from it all I wanted to do was go back. I think I hate being a student, having to take my work home with me all of the time instead of leaving it at an office at 5pm. But I know I'm a smart girl and I know that if I want to accomplish what I want to accomplish in life I have to have a degree (actually, more than one). I'm terrified that I will become severely depressed again because of the stress and lack of relief. And this time I feel like I can't tell anyone if I were depressed because all they would do is take away my freedom and choices. Or force me to do ECT again, which I 100% absolutely steadfastly refuse to do. I know Shrinkiepoo and D want to help me, but I don't think they realize that their techniques dissuade me from being honest.
In the good-ish news department, Shrinkiepoo left me a message today while I was in class saying that I was granted uni dorm housing! I'm not living in the buildings I was hoping to have gotten and it's not in the most convenient location, but my room is apparently really nice. It's an apartment-style dorm, meaning that there's a kitchen, living room and bathroom plus two bedrooms-- one for me and one for my roommate. I'll be able to have someone there so I don't isolate too much and I'll be able to have my privacy. It's really the best of both worlds.
But I've been feeling really scared about going back to uni. It's interesting-- when I was there I absolutely hated it and hated my life and wanted to die, but the second I was removed from it all I wanted to do was go back. I think I hate being a student, having to take my work home with me all of the time instead of leaving it at an office at 5pm. But I know I'm a smart girl and I know that if I want to accomplish what I want to accomplish in life I have to have a degree (actually, more than one). I'm terrified that I will become severely depressed again because of the stress and lack of relief. And this time I feel like I can't tell anyone if I were depressed because all they would do is take away my freedom and choices. Or force me to do ECT again, which I 100% absolutely steadfastly refuse to do. I know Shrinkiepoo and D want to help me, but I don't think they realize that their techniques dissuade me from being honest.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Angry and Obsessed (In A Good Way)
I don't have much to report today. I had classes all day and they went pretty well-- I had a quiz in one and a performance in the other-- then I came home to do some work. I must say though that the 45 minute drive there and the hour drive back (there's rush hour traffic) are really taxing. I guess I have learned an important lesson though: in the future I want a job to which I don't have to commute.
I'm still angry with Shrinkiepoo and D about having to COMMUTE back home from uni every weekend for group and therapy. I don't even find group that helpful. I have put in a call to D to express my anger to him and to see if he can talk sense into Shrinkiepoo. He likely won't but I just need to go off on someone.
(Oh, and I forgot to mention yesterday that Shrinkiepoo said my probability of success at uni is "fair." Fair. That was kind of hurtful.)
I want to say thank you, however, to Bippidee whose comment on my last post really reflects how I feel. Here's what she said:
In completely unrelated news, I am still obsessed with the show I saw on Sunday. I have become enamored with the actor who portrayed one of the main characters-- I researched him on Wikipedia and have only become even more obsessed. Also, the plot between the two main characters is so touching-- the characters were happy and in love. I want to be happy one day and I want to love somebody and have that person return the sentiment. I know that the show is fiction, but it was so beautiful. I want so much to be able to gush about it to you guys or even to anyone in my life but I can't because of anonymity reasons and no one in my "real life" will listen. Suffice it to say that the show is the kind of show that is simultaneously extremely entertaining and can really change a person's point of view. Perfect theatre.
I'm still angry with Shrinkiepoo and D about having to COMMUTE back home from uni every weekend for group and therapy. I don't even find group that helpful. I have put in a call to D to express my anger to him and to see if he can talk sense into Shrinkiepoo. He likely won't but I just need to go off on someone.
(Oh, and I forgot to mention yesterday that Shrinkiepoo said my probability of success at uni is "fair." Fair. That was kind of hurtful.)
I want to say thank you, however, to Bippidee whose comment on my last post really reflects how I feel. Here's what she said:
It seems wrong that your shrink has so much control over you going back to uni. I know health professionals can, and do, have opinions over things like that, but he seems to have almost an inappropriate amount of control - you are an adult, and you aren't in hospital, so the final decision should be down to you. Obviously it is sensible to take the view of professionals into account, but for example I think you have a very valid point about returning home every weekend interfering with your social life, and therefore your friendships, and so how well you settle in and how happy you are, and so I don't see why if you wanted to you shouldn't be able to find a therapist to see near your uni instead. Ok, you might prefer to stick with D, despite it meaning coming home weekly, but that should be your decision - it seems wrong that he can set so many provisos to you going back to uni. I understand that he has concerns, but I think he should understand that you are an adult, and at the moment you are being treated like a child in the way he is telling you what you can and can't do. Just my opinion of course! x
In completely unrelated news, I am still obsessed with the show I saw on Sunday. I have become enamored with the actor who portrayed one of the main characters-- I researched him on Wikipedia and have only become even more obsessed. Also, the plot between the two main characters is so touching-- the characters were happy and in love. I want to be happy one day and I want to love somebody and have that person return the sentiment. I know that the show is fiction, but it was so beautiful. I want so much to be able to gush about it to you guys or even to anyone in my life but I can't because of anonymity reasons and no one in my "real life" will listen. Suffice it to say that the show is the kind of show that is simultaneously extremely entertaining and can really change a person's point of view. Perfect theatre.
Monday, July 19, 2010
I Hate Shrinkiepoo And My Life
I'm not having the best day.
The day started out fine, but I had an appointment with Shrinkiepoo that did not go as I would have liked it to go. He said that my going back to uni is "predicated" upon my agreement to go home every Saturday to have a session with D and attend group. In other words he is blackmailing me; if I don't agree to go home every Saturday then I can't go back to uni. I told him that it's not a simple task getting from uni to my hometown-- it takes about three hours worth of transportation-- and that going home every weekend would interfere both with my social life and with my academic life but he doesn't care. What an asshole. Seriously, I hate him. And I hate D too (he's the one who came up with this great idea). I want to leave them both but I can't because then I definitely won't be going back to uni. I got so angry during the session with Shrinkiepoo that I started to cry (and in fact I'm crying now as I write this). I am furious. I am being kept on the shortest leash possible. I hate my life.
Also, SH and I have been talking today and I think she's mad at me. I am pretty frustrated with her-- she says she wants to stop using her eating disordered behaviors but she doesn't want to change anything in her life. She asked me if I was annoyed with her and I replied "I'm not. It's just hard to hear you sounding like you're giving up on yourself when I haven't given up on you... But I don't want you to stop talking to me." She hasn't replied. I sent her another message saying "Now are you upset? Please respond. SH, you're my best friend. I care so much." Still no reply. So I figure now that she hates me and is giving me the passive-aggressive silent treatment. I am terrified that I have lost her-- she is essentially my only friend. I just wish she'd respond like an adult and not play games because they drive me crazy with anxiety.
I am feeling like I want to hurt myself. More self-harm than suicide, but both options are coming to mind. I am just feeling a plethora of shitty emotions right now and I can't handle it.
UPDATE: I couldn't take the anxiety about SH not responding so I called her and she picked up. I was crying and a mess and she said she wasn't mad, she just hadn't gotten my previous messages until a moment before I called. I guess this calms me down, but I'm still just having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
The day started out fine, but I had an appointment with Shrinkiepoo that did not go as I would have liked it to go. He said that my going back to uni is "predicated" upon my agreement to go home every Saturday to have a session with D and attend group. In other words he is blackmailing me; if I don't agree to go home every Saturday then I can't go back to uni. I told him that it's not a simple task getting from uni to my hometown-- it takes about three hours worth of transportation-- and that going home every weekend would interfere both with my social life and with my academic life but he doesn't care. What an asshole. Seriously, I hate him. And I hate D too (he's the one who came up with this great idea). I want to leave them both but I can't because then I definitely won't be going back to uni. I got so angry during the session with Shrinkiepoo that I started to cry (and in fact I'm crying now as I write this). I am furious. I am being kept on the shortest leash possible. I hate my life.
Also, SH and I have been talking today and I think she's mad at me. I am pretty frustrated with her-- she says she wants to stop using her eating disordered behaviors but she doesn't want to change anything in her life. She asked me if I was annoyed with her and I replied "I'm not. It's just hard to hear you sounding like you're giving up on yourself when I haven't given up on you... But I don't want you to stop talking to me." She hasn't replied. I sent her another message saying "Now are you upset? Please respond. SH, you're my best friend. I care so much." Still no reply. So I figure now that she hates me and is giving me the passive-aggressive silent treatment. I am terrified that I have lost her-- she is essentially my only friend. I just wish she'd respond like an adult and not play games because they drive me crazy with anxiety.
I am feeling like I want to hurt myself. More self-harm than suicide, but both options are coming to mind. I am just feeling a plethora of shitty emotions right now and I can't handle it.
UPDATE: I couldn't take the anxiety about SH not responding so I called her and she picked up. I was crying and a mess and she said she wasn't mad, she just hadn't gotten my previous messages until a moment before I called. I guess this calms me down, but I'm still just having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I Love The Theatre
I had a wonderful day.
It's hard to describe how awesome the show was today without giving away details from the show and thus it's location and thus my location. But I will say that this show is a major production in a major theatre district of a major city. And I had so much fun! It was probably the most flamboyant show I have ever seen and I loved every minute of it. It put me in a good mood.
After seeing the show, my parents, A, M and I went out to a tapas restaurant and had dinner/dessert. I didn't eat a lot (I've been having a hard time with eating the past few days), but I tried my hardest. I decided that I would taste the things that sounded good to me and I did-- I didn't restrict my selection. There was this dish composed of Philadelphia cream cheese and black truffles wrapped in phyllo dough that was absolutely delicious. The food was fresh, unique, and very good.
The one thing that wasn't so great was that I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm feeling a little wired right now (I have no idea why), so I hope that I'll be able to fall asleep tonight. That would be a good end to a great day.
It's hard to describe how awesome the show was today without giving away details from the show and thus it's location and thus my location. But I will say that this show is a major production in a major theatre district of a major city. And I had so much fun! It was probably the most flamboyant show I have ever seen and I loved every minute of it. It put me in a good mood.
After seeing the show, my parents, A, M and I went out to a tapas restaurant and had dinner/dessert. I didn't eat a lot (I've been having a hard time with eating the past few days), but I tried my hardest. I decided that I would taste the things that sounded good to me and I did-- I didn't restrict my selection. There was this dish composed of Philadelphia cream cheese and black truffles wrapped in phyllo dough that was absolutely delicious. The food was fresh, unique, and very good.
The one thing that wasn't so great was that I didn't sleep at all last night. I'm feeling a little wired right now (I have no idea why), so I hope that I'll be able to fall asleep tonight. That would be a good end to a great day.
Finally Feeling It
I know I usually post at the end of the day to recap events and feelings, but I have something to say and I'm not sure if I will be around tonight. My family-- M, A, and my parents-- is going to the theatre tonight to see a show and go out to dinner in honor of M's 30th birthday which was in May. I'm actually pretty excited; I love the theatre and I'm planning to wear my new dress (but in a different color). I might be a tad overdressed for a matinee but I don't care. It's going to be hot anyway and pants will probably be unbearable. I also shaved my legs in preparation so there's no turning back now.
Anyway, remember yesterday when I said that I wasn't feeling anything about the news that I am going back to uni? Well, I'm finally feeling happy about it! Not jumping around the house happy, but happy enough. I'm glad I can finally feel it. I'm picturing myself with my books going to class, learning things that I want to learn, coming home to my dorm (hopefully) to hang out and do work or watch TV with my roommate. I'm picturing myself being normal. I really have wanted this since the moment I left uni in March and I have been working myself silly to get it. I've jumped through all of Shrinkiepoo's ridiculous hoops. I know I deserve this.
I'm going back to uni!
Also, as mentioned yesterday, I have been having a really hard time with my eating disorder the past three days. But I have decided that today I'm going to get myself back on track. I'm kind of scared though-- I feel like I have to do this alone because I can't tell anyone because then it will jeopardize uni or I'll feel like I'm letting people down. SH told me the other day that I inspire her; I feel like it would break her heart to hear that things have been pretty bad for three days. But I will turn this around! I will.
Anyway, remember yesterday when I said that I wasn't feeling anything about the news that I am going back to uni? Well, I'm finally feeling happy about it! Not jumping around the house happy, but happy enough. I'm glad I can finally feel it. I'm picturing myself with my books going to class, learning things that I want to learn, coming home to my dorm (hopefully) to hang out and do work or watch TV with my roommate. I'm picturing myself being normal. I really have wanted this since the moment I left uni in March and I have been working myself silly to get it. I've jumped through all of Shrinkiepoo's ridiculous hoops. I know I deserve this.
I'm going back to uni!
Also, as mentioned yesterday, I have been having a really hard time with my eating disorder the past three days. But I have decided that today I'm going to get myself back on track. I'm kind of scared though-- I feel like I have to do this alone because I can't tell anyone because then it will jeopardize uni or I'll feel like I'm letting people down. SH told me the other day that I inspire her; I feel like it would break her heart to hear that things have been pretty bad for three days. But I will turn this around! I will.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Lots Of News
I'm sorry for not posting the last two days. I have felt/been sick and have been severely acting on my eating disorder. It has not been a good week.
Firstly, I got some upsetting news yesterday. S updated his Facebook to say that he is now in a relationship with another girl. I figure that they have been dating for a little time before updating their statuses (people typically don't change their relationship status on Facebook unless something has been happening consistently for at least a little while). That means that while he has been dating or (or at least emotionally interested in her) he has been having sex with me. I was "the other woman" and didn't know it! I know he and I were not boyfriend and girlfriend, but I feel betrayed. I feel used. D has been saying that my body is not a receptacle, but S certainly treated it as such. Admittedly, I was also using him but something about his betrayal feels worse. I haven't been dating or looking for anyone else whereas I was just S's go to girl when he wanted to get laid between his dates. Gross.
In other news, I had group today and before things got started D asked me to go into his office to talk. He told me that he and Shrinkiepoo had a long conversation last night and have decided to let me return to uni. But it's weird. I am supposed to be elated-- I have been wanting this for months-- but when he told me I burst into tears (which means a lot because I haven't been able to cry recently). I have no idea why. Which is also weird because I am usually very in touch with my feelings. I'm pretty sure they are not tears of joy, but I don't know what they were. But I'm going back to uni and I don't feel anything-- all I can do is cry. What does this mean?
So I came home from group and told my mom about the news and she said "Hadn't that already been decided?" No. "Oh. Well, I hope that works out for you." What a bitchy response! She should have been happy or angry or something, not just passive aggressive. I'm really looking forward to leaving her in September.
I guess this means that I will be working hard to get all of the paperwork into uni as quickly as possible so I can get housing and stuff like that ready. I feel like I am happy and excited somewhere in my mind but I can't feel it. I can't feel anything except tears.
Firstly, I got some upsetting news yesterday. S updated his Facebook to say that he is now in a relationship with another girl. I figure that they have been dating for a little time before updating their statuses (people typically don't change their relationship status on Facebook unless something has been happening consistently for at least a little while). That means that while he has been dating or (or at least emotionally interested in her) he has been having sex with me. I was "the other woman" and didn't know it! I know he and I were not boyfriend and girlfriend, but I feel betrayed. I feel used. D has been saying that my body is not a receptacle, but S certainly treated it as such. Admittedly, I was also using him but something about his betrayal feels worse. I haven't been dating or looking for anyone else whereas I was just S's go to girl when he wanted to get laid between his dates. Gross.
In other news, I had group today and before things got started D asked me to go into his office to talk. He told me that he and Shrinkiepoo had a long conversation last night and have decided to let me return to uni. But it's weird. I am supposed to be elated-- I have been wanting this for months-- but when he told me I burst into tears (which means a lot because I haven't been able to cry recently). I have no idea why. Which is also weird because I am usually very in touch with my feelings. I'm pretty sure they are not tears of joy, but I don't know what they were. But I'm going back to uni and I don't feel anything-- all I can do is cry. What does this mean?
So I came home from group and told my mom about the news and she said "Hadn't that already been decided?" No. "Oh. Well, I hope that works out for you." What a bitchy response! She should have been happy or angry or something, not just passive aggressive. I'm really looking forward to leaving her in September.
I guess this means that I will be working hard to get all of the paperwork into uni as quickly as possible so I can get housing and stuff like that ready. I feel like I am happy and excited somewhere in my mind but I can't feel it. I can't feel anything except tears.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Another Family Session
Tonight I had a phone session with Shrinkiepoo and my parents. And I would like to say that having these "family sessions" (I use that term liberally because they don't involve my either of my sisters) is one of the most degrading things that I have experienced in a long time. Both my parents and Shrinkiepoo treat me like a child; Shrinkiepoo asks them how they think I'm doing and my parents give their opinions of me just like a report card from grade school. (My mom gives most of the opinions because my dad never has anything to say.)
Shrinkiepoo began by saying that he wanted the session to be balanced between positive and critical. So my mom spent the first ten minutes of the session talking about all of the good things I've been doing: eating according to my meal plan, managing my mood, making social engagements. Great. Then Shrinkiepoo asked my parents to share their concerns about me potentially going back to uni, which turned into a half hour of my parents listing reasons why I shouldn't go back. My mom cited everything, including my blood calcium levels which were a little high on my last blood test (it was 10.3 instead of 10.2), and the uncertainty of my housing. I finally spoke up for myself and said that this conversation did not seem very balanced to me-- that it was way more negative than positive-- to which both Shrinkiepoo and my parents said that my opinion was not reflective of reality. Um, I beg to differ. And I don't appreciate it when people tell me that how I feel is wrong.
So I hate my parents and I think I may hate Shrinkiepoo.
Now my anxiety is high because I think that Shrinkiepoo won't let me go to uni in September. It would be cruel for him to say no after having asked me to make all of the preparations he has asked me to make over the past few weeks. He has given me hope that I will be able to go back-- I don't know what I would do if decided against it. Seriously, I would likely fall apart. He said he would decide my fate next week. Please cross your fingers for me.
Shrinkiepoo began by saying that he wanted the session to be balanced between positive and critical. So my mom spent the first ten minutes of the session talking about all of the good things I've been doing: eating according to my meal plan, managing my mood, making social engagements. Great. Then Shrinkiepoo asked my parents to share their concerns about me potentially going back to uni, which turned into a half hour of my parents listing reasons why I shouldn't go back. My mom cited everything, including my blood calcium levels which were a little high on my last blood test (it was 10.3 instead of 10.2), and the uncertainty of my housing. I finally spoke up for myself and said that this conversation did not seem very balanced to me-- that it was way more negative than positive-- to which both Shrinkiepoo and my parents said that my opinion was not reflective of reality. Um, I beg to differ. And I don't appreciate it when people tell me that how I feel is wrong.
So I hate my parents and I think I may hate Shrinkiepoo.
Now my anxiety is high because I think that Shrinkiepoo won't let me go to uni in September. It would be cruel for him to say no after having asked me to make all of the preparations he has asked me to make over the past few weeks. He has given me hope that I will be able to go back-- I don't know what I would do if decided against it. Seriously, I would likely fall apart. He said he would decide my fate next week. Please cross your fingers for me.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Feeling Dead
I don't have much to say today. I had both my philosophy and acting classes today and they went fine. There's this one girl in my philosophy class who talks the entire time and it's very distracting/annoying. And then I met a really nice guy in my acting class; he's 19 years-old and very cute. So I spent the first half of the day dealing with the talkative girl and the second half making friends with a boy. All in all, everything was okay.
I haven't really been feeling anything lately. I'm very numb. And I'm not enjoying it. I'm at the point where I want to have therapy two times a week just so I can feel something for two hours instead of one. I don't think I've ever felt this numb before, and I'm not sure what to do with myself. What does one do to get out of this kind of funk? Harming myself came to my mind but I know I don't want to go down that path again (I haven't cut myself since March). I just don't want to feel dead anymore.
[Very important question: should I buy these shoes in pink or yellow? (I already have the green ones.)]
I haven't really been feeling anything lately. I'm very numb. And I'm not enjoying it. I'm at the point where I want to have therapy two times a week just so I can feel something for two hours instead of one. I don't think I've ever felt this numb before, and I'm not sure what to do with myself. What does one do to get out of this kind of funk? Harming myself came to my mind but I know I don't want to go down that path again (I haven't cut myself since March). I just don't want to feel dead anymore.
[Very important question: should I buy these shoes in pink or yellow? (I already have the green ones.)]
Monday, July 12, 2010
Back In Classes
Today was my first day of summer classes. I only had one of my two classes today, and it seemed really interesting. It's a philosophy course in which we will talk about moral issues like abortion, animal rights, the death penalty, euthanasia/assisted suicide, and free speech/hate speech. The professor, actually a graduate student, assigned reading for tonight and it was quite a long read so I'm a little apprehensive about future assignments. But the good news is all I have to do is get a C in the course in order for the credit to transfer to uni (and the C won't appear on my transcript!), so I'm going to try and relax and enjoy the course. Of course I want to do better than a C, but I feel like I don't have to hold myself up to my usual insanely high standards.
Tomorrow I have both the philosophy class and an acting class. It's going to be a long day-- from 10:45 am to 4:30 pm plus a forty-five minute commute both ways. I have a fifty minute break for lunch in between the classes, but I don't know where I'm going to eat it. I think on sunny days I will eat outside but tomorrow it's supposed to rain so I'm probably going to wind up finding an empty classroom and eating alone. I don't think I have enough time to drive to the student union or some other eatery.
I also had a phone session with Shrinkiepoo today. I feel like he's becoming less and less useful. He got the results back from my labs and all was normal but I told him that I'm still tired all of the time (and that on days when I don't have commitments I wake up, eat breakfast, then fall back asleep until lunch). He didn't change anything. He suggested that maybe it's boredom causing me to be so tired, but I don't think so. We hardly talked about anything having to do with my depression or eating disorder; we talked about uni and which books we are reading. I just want to come out of our sessions better off than when I begin them, but I feel like nothing changes. Whatever. At least I get something out of my sessions with D.
Tomorrow I have both the philosophy class and an acting class. It's going to be a long day-- from 10:45 am to 4:30 pm plus a forty-five minute commute both ways. I have a fifty minute break for lunch in between the classes, but I don't know where I'm going to eat it. I think on sunny days I will eat outside but tomorrow it's supposed to rain so I'm probably going to wind up finding an empty classroom and eating alone. I don't think I have enough time to drive to the student union or some other eatery.
I also had a phone session with Shrinkiepoo today. I feel like he's becoming less and less useful. He got the results back from my labs and all was normal but I told him that I'm still tired all of the time (and that on days when I don't have commitments I wake up, eat breakfast, then fall back asleep until lunch). He didn't change anything. He suggested that maybe it's boredom causing me to be so tired, but I don't think so. We hardly talked about anything having to do with my depression or eating disorder; we talked about uni and which books we are reading. I just want to come out of our sessions better off than when I begin them, but I feel like nothing changes. Whatever. At least I get something out of my sessions with D.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
One Less Friend
I spent most of today devoid of emotion, just feeling neutral, not really feeling at all. This feeling isn't new, but I'm beginning to wonder whether this is the best my life has to offer. Or maybe this is happiness, I don't know but I highly doubt it. What does happiness feel like? If this is my apex, well, then I'm not really satisfied.
This evening, however, I'm feeling a bit sad. Remember EN, my best friend from uni? Well, she just left the States for Tanzania where she will be spending the next year or two (I can't remember which). I feel like I've lost something big. True, she wasn't the greatest friend to me, but I don't really have tons of friends to be so picky with. If I end up going back to uni (and it's looking like that's going to be the case!) I don't know who I'm going to spend my time with or confide in. And even while I'm not at uni I don't have EN around to talk to anymore. She is able to be contacted by email, but judging by our email communication so far this summer it's not going to go very well. I have one less friend, one less support in my life.
There are very few people on this Earth who can understand me. I just feel very alone.
This evening, however, I'm feeling a bit sad. Remember EN, my best friend from uni? Well, she just left the States for Tanzania where she will be spending the next year or two (I can't remember which). I feel like I've lost something big. True, she wasn't the greatest friend to me, but I don't really have tons of friends to be so picky with. If I end up going back to uni (and it's looking like that's going to be the case!) I don't know who I'm going to spend my time with or confide in. And even while I'm not at uni I don't have EN around to talk to anymore. She is able to be contacted by email, but judging by our email communication so far this summer it's not going to go very well. I have one less friend, one less support in my life.
There are very few people on this Earth who can understand me. I just feel very alone.
Sums Up My Life
No Rain, Blind Melon
[Lead singer Shannon Hoon committed suicide on October 21, 1995.]
All I can say is that my life it's pretty plain
Don't you know I like watching the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And maybe even speak my point of view
But it's not sane, it's not sane
I just want someone to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And don't you know it rips my life away but it's a great escape
Escape, escape, escape
All I can say is that my life it's pretty plain
You don't like my point of view
Then maybe you're not sane
It's not sane, it's not sane
I just want someone to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Can't Stop Thinking
My days have been filled with very little recently, but yesterday I at least had some activity. I slept the entire morning then went to D's for therapy. D was an hour late. He called me when he was about fifty minutes late to tell me that he had a migraine the night before, took a Tylenol PM and overslept. During the session we talked about how I was angry at my mom for her eating all sugar- and fat-free foods, directly disobeying my family therapist at the hospital I was at in March/April. After the session I came home and did nothing until 5:30 when I went over to S's house for swimming, dinner, and a movie. I had a pretty good time with him.
Today was a tough day. And I'm really not sure why.
The day started out with me waking up, eating breakfast, and falling back asleep until lunch. (The fatigue has continued.) After lunch I went to group, and after group I came home to watch Titanic on TV. I had dinner with myself, and now I'm here.
I've been feeling depressed and suicidal today. One of the boys in my group just got back from a trip to San Francisco and all I could think about was throwing myself off the Golden Gate Bridge. I have no idea why my thoughts went there but they've been there all day, so much so that I can barely focus enough to write this post. Maybe once I get some composure I will be able to write more.
Today was a tough day. And I'm really not sure why.
The day started out with me waking up, eating breakfast, and falling back asleep until lunch. (The fatigue has continued.) After lunch I went to group, and after group I came home to watch Titanic on TV. I had dinner with myself, and now I'm here.
I've been feeling depressed and suicidal today. One of the boys in my group just got back from a trip to San Francisco and all I could think about was throwing myself off the Golden Gate Bridge. I have no idea why my thoughts went there but they've been there all day, so much so that I can barely focus enough to write this post. Maybe once I get some composure I will be able to write more.
Friday, July 9, 2010
A Hopeful Song
When You Believe, Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston
Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could
There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe
In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say
There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe
They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight through the rain
Still a resilient voice
Says hope is very near
There can be miracle when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
You will when you believe
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Happy Birthday Blog
Today is Blooger Not Otherwise Specified's first birthday! A lot has happened since my first post a year ago: I lost and made friends, felt severely depressed, contemplated suicide, restricted my eating, went to treatment, revealed a secret, underwent ECT and spent a lot of time talking with Shrinkiepoo. I'm pleased to inform you that I am in a much better space than I was when I started this blog; it took a lot of work and help from others, but my world is getting brighter. I want to thank you for listening. I don't think I would be where I am if it weren't for you, dear reader.
Anyway, my mood today has been relatively okay but my eating has been horrible. When I weighed myself this morning I saw something I really didn't like, freaked out, and didn't eat breakfast. Or lunch. It was the only way I could control my anxiety. I know this is not good, but I don't think it's the beginning of a relapse-- it's just a slip. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Recovering from an eating disorder is hard; it's like fighting against everything your brain is telling you to do. I guess today I gave in.
Ironically, today my dietitian gave me a thumbs up. I obviously didn't tell her about my decision not to eat.
Besides struggling with eating, I have also been having a really hard time with body/self-image. I think I am so ugly. I refuse to be in pictures because each time I see one of myself I am horrified by the image in front of me. Each morning I spend about fifteen minutes putting on makeup because I just can't bear others seeing me without it. I am hideous. I just want to be able to wake up and leave my house without having to paint on my face. I wish I were naturally pretty like my sisters, but no, I am the troll of the family. I sometimes wonder whether or not I should be allow to leave my house.
Anyway, my mood today has been relatively okay but my eating has been horrible. When I weighed myself this morning I saw something I really didn't like, freaked out, and didn't eat breakfast. Or lunch. It was the only way I could control my anxiety. I know this is not good, but I don't think it's the beginning of a relapse-- it's just a slip. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Recovering from an eating disorder is hard; it's like fighting against everything your brain is telling you to do. I guess today I gave in.
Ironically, today my dietitian gave me a thumbs up. I obviously didn't tell her about my decision not to eat.
Besides struggling with eating, I have also been having a really hard time with body/self-image. I think I am so ugly. I refuse to be in pictures because each time I see one of myself I am horrified by the image in front of me. Each morning I spend about fifteen minutes putting on makeup because I just can't bear others seeing me without it. I am hideous. I just want to be able to wake up and leave my house without having to paint on my face. I wish I were naturally pretty like my sisters, but no, I am the troll of the family. I sometimes wonder whether or not I should be allow to leave my house.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Tiring Day, Not Too Tired
Contrary to what I've been feeling recently, I am extremely energetic right now (it's 8:39pm, which is pretty good for me). And the odd thing is that today was a very tiring day. I had to wake up at 6:30am in order to drive down to uni in order to pack up my apartment and move it back to my parents' house. So the day was spent lifting and cleaning and organizing and yet I am not tired. It was slightly sad to be moving out of my apartment, but I am looking forward to living with a roommate or roommates in September.
Speaking of housing in September, I have been extremely anxious about getting uni housing (meaning dorm housing). I really want to live in the dorms and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get a room. D and Shrinkiepoo have been calling the housing office to try and get me housing, but it's not guaranteed that it will work.
D called me today to tell me that he called the housing office and to report what was said and he said that it is unacceptable for me to live in non-uni housing come September. I was in the car with my parents driving back from uni when he called so I couldn't say anything then, but this got me extremely anxious. I immediately became worried that whether or not I would return to uni in the fall would depend on if I could get uni housing, not on how I am progressing. I tried my hardest to cope with the anxiety but it got the better of me and I called D to discuss this. He said that he had just said that to the housing office to light a fire under them and that it would not be the deciding factor for my return to uni. As long as I live in a house/apartment/dorm with a roommate I am good to go back (pending ultimate approval at the end of the month). I felt a lot calmer after this call.
In other news, SH had a good day in terms of eating today. I'm so glad. I just hope this isn't a one-day thing and that it sticks long term. I really care about her and want her to be happy and healthy. And it is getting very hard to have the same conversation over and over. I want to be supportive but it's really hard when the person on the other end does not seem to believe that there is anything better. The thing is, I know I used to be this way-- completely hopeless in terms of eating and resigned to die from anorexia (or my own hand)-- so I want to be as sympathetic as possible. I'm just not a trained psychologist (yet!) so I don't feel like I have what she needs. I guess the only thing I can do is be a friend, right?
It is now 9:00pm and I am officially tired. That was quick, wasn't it?
Speaking of housing in September, I have been extremely anxious about getting uni housing (meaning dorm housing). I really want to live in the dorms and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to get a room. D and Shrinkiepoo have been calling the housing office to try and get me housing, but it's not guaranteed that it will work.
D called me today to tell me that he called the housing office and to report what was said and he said that it is unacceptable for me to live in non-uni housing come September. I was in the car with my parents driving back from uni when he called so I couldn't say anything then, but this got me extremely anxious. I immediately became worried that whether or not I would return to uni in the fall would depend on if I could get uni housing, not on how I am progressing. I tried my hardest to cope with the anxiety but it got the better of me and I called D to discuss this. He said that he had just said that to the housing office to light a fire under them and that it would not be the deciding factor for my return to uni. As long as I live in a house/apartment/dorm with a roommate I am good to go back (pending ultimate approval at the end of the month). I felt a lot calmer after this call.
In other news, SH had a good day in terms of eating today. I'm so glad. I just hope this isn't a one-day thing and that it sticks long term. I really care about her and want her to be happy and healthy. And it is getting very hard to have the same conversation over and over. I want to be supportive but it's really hard when the person on the other end does not seem to believe that there is anything better. The thing is, I know I used to be this way-- completely hopeless in terms of eating and resigned to die from anorexia (or my own hand)-- so I want to be as sympathetic as possible. I'm just not a trained psychologist (yet!) so I don't feel like I have what she needs. I guess the only thing I can do is be a friend, right?
It is now 9:00pm and I am officially tired. That was quick, wasn't it?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
A Blunted Life
I have been really bored recently. There's not much to do where I live and I have no one to do it with. I spent all of yesterday watching a House M.D. marathon and then I had dinner and tea with my friend from treatment. I had a pretty good time; we bonded over not having friends where we live and about having had struggled after having left treatment. She said she wanted to make meeting up a weekly occurrence but I said I would call her about that. I think my social phobia got in the way-- I suddenly felt really anxious when she asked me to do something next Tuesday. Summer classes are also starting next week so I don't know how open my schedule will be. But I do want to see her again, I just hate making plans (if that makes sense). I hate making promises because I don't know where my mood and energy level will be. So I just avoid making plans altogether.
This morning I went to the lab to get the blood tests that Shrinkiepoo requested done. I hope everything is fine, but at the same time I hope he finds something that can be fixed because I am still really tired all of the time. I also had a phone appointment with Shrinkiepoo today in which he asked me to make some preparations for uni, so things are still looking good for my return!
I have been feeling kind of neutral/numb again. I think my meds just dull things-- they take the edge off of my depressed moods. Which I guess is better than feeling depressed, but it doesn't help my boredom. But then again I don't know what I would like to feel. Happiness just doesn't seem like an option.
This morning I went to the lab to get the blood tests that Shrinkiepoo requested done. I hope everything is fine, but at the same time I hope he finds something that can be fixed because I am still really tired all of the time. I also had a phone appointment with Shrinkiepoo today in which he asked me to make some preparations for uni, so things are still looking good for my return!
I have been feeling kind of neutral/numb again. I think my meds just dull things-- they take the edge off of my depressed moods. Which I guess is better than feeling depressed, but it doesn't help my boredom. But then again I don't know what I would like to feel. Happiness just doesn't seem like an option.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
A Depressed Fourth
Happy Independence Day, my fellow Americans.
Well, not so much for me. I have been feeling pretty depressed all day. I was feeling incredibly lonely; on a day when people are usually out celebrating with their friends I am home alone, reminded that I have no friends. On top of that, I found out that my former best friend from high school, KS, is in a new relationship and for some reason I felt sad that I didn't know about it and that I haven't spoken to her since January. The only friends I have are from my various treatment centers, and very few live where I do. (In a related note, I am actually meeting a "treatment friend" for dinner tomorrow. But I still feel alone.) I'm hoping that once my summer classes start in a week I will meet some new people. It's getting quite difficult to spend all of my time by myself.
I was also feeling depressed about uni. More specifically, I was feeling depressed about the fact that I have now taken two years off for medical leave and will be returning to school a 22 year-old junior. My peers from high school have already graduated and are moving onto careers and graduate school, and I am barely eking by. I feel so inferior. I feel like a fuck-up. I want desperately just to be normal-- to have followed a straight path instead of the horrible bumpy road I have taken. I know I am intelligent, but I have learned that intelligence does not guarantee success in uni. Or in life. Like I said yesterday, my biggest fear is that I won't make it to graduation. I wouldn't be able to handle that.
I don't know why my mood dipped so suddenly today. Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it was triggered by the holiday. I just hope tomorrow is better.
Well, not so much for me. I have been feeling pretty depressed all day. I was feeling incredibly lonely; on a day when people are usually out celebrating with their friends I am home alone, reminded that I have no friends. On top of that, I found out that my former best friend from high school, KS, is in a new relationship and for some reason I felt sad that I didn't know about it and that I haven't spoken to her since January. The only friends I have are from my various treatment centers, and very few live where I do. (In a related note, I am actually meeting a "treatment friend" for dinner tomorrow. But I still feel alone.) I'm hoping that once my summer classes start in a week I will meet some new people. It's getting quite difficult to spend all of my time by myself.
I was also feeling depressed about uni. More specifically, I was feeling depressed about the fact that I have now taken two years off for medical leave and will be returning to school a 22 year-old junior. My peers from high school have already graduated and are moving onto careers and graduate school, and I am barely eking by. I feel so inferior. I feel like a fuck-up. I want desperately just to be normal-- to have followed a straight path instead of the horrible bumpy road I have taken. I know I am intelligent, but I have learned that intelligence does not guarantee success in uni. Or in life. Like I said yesterday, my biggest fear is that I won't make it to graduation. I wouldn't be able to handle that.
I don't know why my mood dipped so suddenly today. Maybe it's hormonal, maybe it was triggered by the holiday. I just hope tomorrow is better.
A Conversation With SH
The following is a conversation I had with SH today via text message (verbatim). She is really having a hard time and I am trying so hard to help her and be supportive, but I'm running out of things to say. And I don't feel like she's actually taking in the things I do say. I'm scared for her. Do you have any ideas about what I can do?
SH: Last night was awful. I was up until 4am using behaviors.
NOS: Oh dear. I'm sorry. Did anything in particular trigger it?
SH: Not sure. I'm just really struggling.
NOS: What can I do to help?
SH: I just don't know what to do.
NOS: Do you think it's out of control enough to go back to treatment? Maybe some other place besides [insert name of the treatment center we were at together in the fall]?
SH: That's not an option. But I was awake using behaviors until 4am.
NOS: Why is that not an option?
SH: Because I feel as though I've had my chance. I "have the skills."
NOS: So it's not not an option, you just don't want to do it. But it sounds like something is missing if you have the skills.
SH: Yeah. I see your point. Last night was miserable.
NOS: It sounds miserable. But honestly, [insert name of treatment center I went to in March] saved my life. Maybe someplace like that would help? Maybe ECT?
SH: I feel as though nothing is wrong except my lack of ability. But then again what I'm doing is not okay.
NOS: I don't understand what you mean by lack of ability. I think something needs to change.
SH: I hear that I know what needs to happen and I do. But I don't do it.
NOS: What stops you from doing it?
SH: It's HARD and I just don't, I guess, but it doesn't feel like a choice.
NOS: It is hard. But I don't think it's impossible.
SH: I know it's not. Last night was so bad.
NOS: When do you see [insert name of SH's therapist] next? Are you going to tell her about this?
SH: Tuesday evening. I need to and I will. I'm just scared to death she'll dump me.
NOS: If she dumps you for struggling then she can join my ex-therapist [insert name of my ex-therapist] in the shitty unsupported therapist category.
SH: Yeah, that's true. I just need to tell her. Even though I hate the "how can you get back on track" conversation. It never clicks.
NOS: Tell her that! Tell her that something you guys are doing together isn't clicking.
SH: Okay. God, I feel miserable and I haven't even been home three weeks.
NOS: I'm sorry. I know last night sucked. But maybe it will get better from here.
SH: Yeah, maybe. Sorry if I'm triggering.
NOS: You're not triggering. I just really want to see you happy and healthy.
SH: Thanks.
SH: Last night was awful. I was up until 4am using behaviors.
NOS: Oh dear. I'm sorry. Did anything in particular trigger it?
SH: Not sure. I'm just really struggling.
NOS: What can I do to help?
SH: I just don't know what to do.
NOS: Do you think it's out of control enough to go back to treatment? Maybe some other place besides [insert name of the treatment center we were at together in the fall]?
SH: That's not an option. But I was awake using behaviors until 4am.
NOS: Why is that not an option?
SH: Because I feel as though I've had my chance. I "have the skills."
NOS: So it's not not an option, you just don't want to do it. But it sounds like something is missing if you have the skills.
SH: Yeah. I see your point. Last night was miserable.
NOS: It sounds miserable. But honestly, [insert name of treatment center I went to in March] saved my life. Maybe someplace like that would help? Maybe ECT?
SH: I feel as though nothing is wrong except my lack of ability. But then again what I'm doing is not okay.
NOS: I don't understand what you mean by lack of ability. I think something needs to change.
SH: I hear that I know what needs to happen and I do. But I don't do it.
NOS: What stops you from doing it?
SH: It's HARD and I just don't, I guess, but it doesn't feel like a choice.
NOS: It is hard. But I don't think it's impossible.
SH: I know it's not. Last night was so bad.
NOS: When do you see [insert name of SH's therapist] next? Are you going to tell her about this?
SH: Tuesday evening. I need to and I will. I'm just scared to death she'll dump me.
NOS: If she dumps you for struggling then she can join my ex-therapist [insert name of my ex-therapist] in the shitty unsupported therapist category.
SH: Yeah, that's true. I just need to tell her. Even though I hate the "how can you get back on track" conversation. It never clicks.
NOS: Tell her that! Tell her that something you guys are doing together isn't clicking.
SH: Okay. God, I feel miserable and I haven't even been home three weeks.
NOS: I'm sorry. I know last night sucked. But maybe it will get better from here.
SH: Yeah, maybe. Sorry if I'm triggering.
NOS: You're not triggering. I just really want to see you happy and healthy.
SH: Thanks.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
More Evidence Against Mom
I just got home from my eating disorder group. The session was fine-- I didn't talk much as the attention was on some of the other people for the majority of the time. But something did make me a little sad: one girl was talking about being excited to go to a new uni in the fall. She was talking about all of the great classes she would take and the uni's great location and I couldn't help but feel a little jealous. I know that chances are looking good for me to go back to uni in the fall, but it's uncertain and I absolutely despise uncertainty. And to hear people talking about moving on with their lives and their uni careers reminded me that I have had to interrupt my time at uni and am basically two years behind. I hate myself for having had to take so much time off. I'm terrified that I won't make it to graduation.
Also, remember the other day how I was talking about my mom's disordered eating? Well, when I came hope from group I couldn't get the remote control car keys to work so I came inside and because my mom is out golfing with my dad I had to look through her purse to find her set of keys. In there I found a Weight Watchers points calculator.
You see, five years ago (coincidentally when my eating disorder got out of control, or maybe not so coincidentally) my mom was about 40 pounds overweight and decided to join Weight Watchers because her sister, my aunt, was really successful with it. My mom lost the weight very fast-- so fast, in fact, that Weight Watchers kicked her out. Then when she hit her "goal weight" she kept on losing, she didn't maintain it. She didn't admit to anything until one day she was helping my sister move out of her apartment and collapsed, hit her head, and had to be rushed to the hospital. After that, she would only admit that she was unable to maintain her goal weight, not that she had an eating disorder.
So finding her points calculator means that she is still counting points, and just adds more evidence to support the fact that she still has an eating disorder. And as I said on Thursday, this makes me angry because she is considered a source of information about my eating habits for Shrinkiepoo. How can she be so hypocritical, to judge my eating when she is still acting on her eating disorder?
Also, remember the other day how I was talking about my mom's disordered eating? Well, when I came hope from group I couldn't get the remote control car keys to work so I came inside and because my mom is out golfing with my dad I had to look through her purse to find her set of keys. In there I found a Weight Watchers points calculator.
You see, five years ago (coincidentally when my eating disorder got out of control, or maybe not so coincidentally) my mom was about 40 pounds overweight and decided to join Weight Watchers because her sister, my aunt, was really successful with it. My mom lost the weight very fast-- so fast, in fact, that Weight Watchers kicked her out. Then when she hit her "goal weight" she kept on losing, she didn't maintain it. She didn't admit to anything until one day she was helping my sister move out of her apartment and collapsed, hit her head, and had to be rushed to the hospital. After that, she would only admit that she was unable to maintain her goal weight, not that she had an eating disorder.
So finding her points calculator means that she is still counting points, and just adds more evidence to support the fact that she still has an eating disorder. And as I said on Thursday, this makes me angry because she is considered a source of information about my eating habits for Shrinkiepoo. How can she be so hypocritical, to judge my eating when she is still acting on her eating disorder?
Friday, July 2, 2010
Good Day, But A Friend Is Struggling
Today was a pretty good day in comparison to the days I've been having. In the morning I took my dog with me to therapy with D. It's interesting-- we spoke about all of the things that I have written about lately, and it felt like I had already processed it. I guess this blog is therapeutic for me; I get a lot out of purging (excuse the term) my thoughts here.
After therapy I went to a coffee shop to sit and read. I know that sounds really boring, but I think it's way better than what I have been doing lately which is basically sitting on the couch and watching horrible TV. And I got a really tasty drink too, so it was an enjoyable one and a half hours. Then I went to the mall to take advantage of the 4th of July sales and was fairly successful. Then, most surprisingly given my energy level recently, I was able to muster the strength to go on a run. I hadn't been running for a few weeks so I felt out of shape, but I think I want to try to do it more often. I like the feeling of being physically fit.
So that was my day. Pretty mundane, but better than if I had done nothing.
Anyway, I have been talking to SH a lot recently and she is still having a really hard time with her eating disorder. I hate to say this, but I have been getting really frustrated with her. She says that she wants to get better but she doesn't even try to change her behavior. For example, she was telling me that she was afraid to buy groceries because she assumed she was going to binge on whatever she bought. She doesn't even give herself a chance to do something differently. And I am trying so hard to be supportive and encouraging but I am running out of things to say to her. Every time I make a point she says "I know, but it's hard." Of course it's hard! If it weren't hard then eating disorder treatment centers wouldn't exist. But she uses the fact that it's hard as an excuse to not try and I don't know what to do to make her try. I guess I can't make her do anything; I can't control what she does. But it's disheartening to see such a close friend struggle so much. I hope this paragraph doesn't come across too harsh or insensitive, but I care about her too much to see her resign herself to a life of binge eating disorder.
After therapy I went to a coffee shop to sit and read. I know that sounds really boring, but I think it's way better than what I have been doing lately which is basically sitting on the couch and watching horrible TV. And I got a really tasty drink too, so it was an enjoyable one and a half hours. Then I went to the mall to take advantage of the 4th of July sales and was fairly successful. Then, most surprisingly given my energy level recently, I was able to muster the strength to go on a run. I hadn't been running for a few weeks so I felt out of shape, but I think I want to try to do it more often. I like the feeling of being physically fit.
So that was my day. Pretty mundane, but better than if I had done nothing.
Anyway, I have been talking to SH a lot recently and she is still having a really hard time with her eating disorder. I hate to say this, but I have been getting really frustrated with her. She says that she wants to get better but she doesn't even try to change her behavior. For example, she was telling me that she was afraid to buy groceries because she assumed she was going to binge on whatever she bought. She doesn't even give herself a chance to do something differently. And I am trying so hard to be supportive and encouraging but I am running out of things to say to her. Every time I make a point she says "I know, but it's hard." Of course it's hard! If it weren't hard then eating disorder treatment centers wouldn't exist. But she uses the fact that it's hard as an excuse to not try and I don't know what to do to make her try. I guess I can't make her do anything; I can't control what she does. But it's disheartening to see such a close friend struggle so much. I hope this paragraph doesn't come across too harsh or insensitive, but I care about her too much to see her resign herself to a life of binge eating disorder.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Why I Resent My Mother
So remember the other day how I was supposed to hang out with S at night so I bought a coffee? Well, that loser owes me $2.49. I texted him at 8pm saying I was done with dinner and ready to hang out. He replied that his brother had just "surprised" him by coming in from a different city and that they were eating, so he would call me later. At about 9:30pm he texted me again saying "Still with my brother. Is it too late to hang out?" To which I replied "I'm still awake" (because I was hopped up on caffeine anyway). At about 10:30pm I sent him a text saying "What's the deal?" and when I didn't get a response by 11pm I went to bed but didn't fall asleep until 4am because I was still feeling the effects of the coffee. I woke up at 7am, making it a grand total of three hours of sleep on Tuesday night. Like I need more help feeling tired.
I got an email from him on Wednesday afternoon saying: "So I dropped my phone in my pool right after I texted you last night and couldn't figure out a way to contact you :/ I'm so sorry for the past two nights, hope your not pissed. And I hope you get this." I'm pissed.
Anyway, I also want to talk about my mom. She used to be anorexic and her eating is still disordered, but somehow she finds it's appropriate for her to judge whether I am eating well when we have our phone conferences with Shrinkiepoo. I can tell you exactly what she eats every day (it's always the same thing): For breakfast she has a half cup of oatmeal and a cup of coffee. For lunch she has a yogurt and a bowl of fruit salad. For dinner (her one substantial meal of the day) she eats a slice of melon, salad with fat free dressing, another vegetable, a baked potato, and salmon. For a nighttime snack she has diet ice cream. And she has the gall to criticize my eating when I am working myself silly to follow my meal plan and get substantial variety in my diet.
This came up today when my mom came up to me to ask whether I take a calcium supplement (I have osteopenia). I told her that I do and then she revealed to me that she has it in some of her bones too. I then suggested that she drink more milk (as she doesn't drink any currently) and she said "I have more calcium in my diet than I have ever had in all my life. And I'd rather just take a supplement." She obviously doesn't want the extra calories that drinking a glass of milk would add. I got so angry but didn't say anything.
When I left the treatment center in April, our family therapist told my mom to avoid dieting around me and to avoid diet foods (like fat free dressing or ice cream). The one thing she did change was her yogurt-- she used to eat Weight Watchers yogurt and now she needs normal Yoplait yogurt. And I think she thinks that is sufficient action, that I don't notice that she is still eats a restrictive diet. She must think I'm stupid.
The thing is, this issue has come up several times over the past five years but each time it ends in disaster. I get angry, my mom gets defensive and says "I'm not the one with the eating disorder, I can eat whatever I want!" I really hate her sometimes. And I hate that she is considered a reliable source of information about my eating for Shrinkiepoo. I resent her so much. I want to go back to uni so I don't have to watch her act on her eating disorder anymore.
I got an email from him on Wednesday afternoon saying: "So I dropped my phone in my pool right after I texted you last night and couldn't figure out a way to contact you :/ I'm so sorry for the past two nights, hope your not pissed. And I hope you get this." I'm pissed.
Anyway, I also want to talk about my mom. She used to be anorexic and her eating is still disordered, but somehow she finds it's appropriate for her to judge whether I am eating well when we have our phone conferences with Shrinkiepoo. I can tell you exactly what she eats every day (it's always the same thing): For breakfast she has a half cup of oatmeal and a cup of coffee. For lunch she has a yogurt and a bowl of fruit salad. For dinner (her one substantial meal of the day) she eats a slice of melon, salad with fat free dressing, another vegetable, a baked potato, and salmon. For a nighttime snack she has diet ice cream. And she has the gall to criticize my eating when I am working myself silly to follow my meal plan and get substantial variety in my diet.
This came up today when my mom came up to me to ask whether I take a calcium supplement (I have osteopenia). I told her that I do and then she revealed to me that she has it in some of her bones too. I then suggested that she drink more milk (as she doesn't drink any currently) and she said "I have more calcium in my diet than I have ever had in all my life. And I'd rather just take a supplement." She obviously doesn't want the extra calories that drinking a glass of milk would add. I got so angry but didn't say anything.
When I left the treatment center in April, our family therapist told my mom to avoid dieting around me and to avoid diet foods (like fat free dressing or ice cream). The one thing she did change was her yogurt-- she used to eat Weight Watchers yogurt and now she needs normal Yoplait yogurt. And I think she thinks that is sufficient action, that I don't notice that she is still eats a restrictive diet. She must think I'm stupid.
The thing is, this issue has come up several times over the past five years but each time it ends in disaster. I get angry, my mom gets defensive and says "I'm not the one with the eating disorder, I can eat whatever I want!" I really hate her sometimes. And I hate that she is considered a reliable source of information about my eating for Shrinkiepoo. I resent her so much. I want to go back to uni so I don't have to watch her act on her eating disorder anymore.
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