Within You Without You

Within You Without You, The Beatles

We were talking
About the space between us all
And the people
Who hide themselves behind a wall
Of illusion
Never glimpse the truth
Then it's far too late
When they pass away

We were talking
About the love we all could share
When we find it
To try our best to hold it there
With our love, with our love
We could save the world if they only knew

Try to realize it's all within yourself
No one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small
And life flows on within you and without you

We were talking
About the love that's gone so cold
And the people
Who gain the world and lose their soul
They don't know
They can't see
Are you one of them

When you've seen beyond yourself
Then you may find peace of mind is waiting there
And the time will come when you see we're all one
And life flows on within you and without you

I Need Help

I need help. Desperately. But I have no one to reach out to. I just want someone to make all of the decisions for me-- either put me in a hospital or do something to make a change. I'm afraid of myself. I do not feel safe.

I spoke to Shrinkiepoo yesterday and today. He really isn't very helpful. But then again I don't know what would be helpful at this time. I also spoke to KH, my therapist from treatment, who made me promise not to kill myself on Thursday night. I wasn't going to do that anyway because my means are here at my uni apartment (I just got back last night), not at my parents' house. My mom just dismisses me and tells me to "put recovery first" but she doesn't understand the situation I'm in:

Right now I'm living a life that I absolutely despise, yet the only other option I see is death. I would rather die than take another leave of absence from uni, literally. I have worked so hard to get to where I am and I can't just leave. That is, unless I die, in which case it doesn't matter that I'm leaving.

I need to be in a hospital. But I won't make myself go because I'm stubborn. I need someone to save me because I can't save myself.

At A New Low

I'm going back to uni tomorrow to get some work done. I am not looking forward to it. I hate uni. I hate constantly having to do work. If I felt that there were choices I would drop out. In fact, I just want to drop out of everything. Working at the lab, tutoring, the crisis helpline, class, I would love to quit it all. I am reaching the end of my rope. An ideal life would be one in which I am in my apartment, asleep, just wasting away.

Today I found out that my insurance company denied my parents any reimbursement for my inpatient treatment. We're taking it to a second appeal, but it's unlikely that we'll get anything. I feel so guilty-- I completely wasted their money. They deserve a much better daughter than me. Or at least a cheaper one.

I am so depressed, I can't even describe what it feels like.

I hate to be redundant, but goodness, how I want to die. Today I pictured myself drafting my suicide note. I think it would include a list of people who I'd want to come to my funeral because I don't think that anyone would come if they weren't expressly invited. And maybe not even then.

My uni sends out emails when students die, and I picture the email that would be sent about me. I wonder if it would say it was a suicide. I know my uni's newspaper would print something like that-- they have before. But I'm fooling myself if I think that anyone would care enough to read beyond the headline or subject line. I matter to no one at that school.

Reason says I should have died four years ago.

Now For Some Comic Relief

As you may or may not know, I am currently taking a Shakespeare course at uni. This is priceless.

Also, this: Types of Bitches.

Not In A Good Space

I just excused myself from "dinner" to sit and cry in another room. I put "dinner" in quotes because I was just watching my parents and my sister, A, eat; I wasn't actually eating anything myself.

I hate my life. I hate myself. I spent the entire day sitting in the front seat of a parked car in a parking lot in Nowheresville, reading for school. (My sister had an interview at a grad school in Nowheresville and I decided to come along for the ride. We left yesterday afternoon, stayed at a Best Western overnight, and came home today. I sat in the car today while my sister did her thing because we had to check out of the hotel and there was nothing else for me to do, it being Nowheresville and all.) Every time I caught my reflection in the rear-view mirror I wanted to vomit. I am a fat, disgusting, shell of a person with no friends and no life beyond uni. And I hate uni. I live in hell.

My goodness, when the urge to end my own life comes along it certainly comes very strongly and inexplicably.

A Memory Has Surfaced

Well, it's Spring Break from uni and I'm back at my parents' house. I am pretty depressed, and the fact that I have a lot of work to do over this break does not make me feel happier. I feel like I have to work all the damned time, yet somehow my uni peers don't work at all. I don't get it.

But anyway, a memory has surfaced today while I've been home. My parents are in the process of redecorating their kitchen, and it has reminded me of several years ago-- 2006-- when my eating disorder was likely at its worse. I was visibly sick, and my mom, in a desperate attempt to save my life asked me if redecorating my room would make me happy. I have always hated my room-- it used to be my aunt's room (we live in the house my mom grew up in) and she was obsessed with horses so she decided to design her room to look like a stable. There is fake wood paneling on one wall that throughout high school I would make fun of and complain about. And somehow my mom thought changing this would cure my eating disorder and transform me into a happy teenager.

As I write about this memory, I am crying. My mom has tried so hard since I developed my eating disorder to make my world a better one. "Fuck it," she says when I'm stressed about school or work, "it's not that important." She wants so much for me to be okay, yet she knows that there's really nothing she can do for me. She must feel helpless. I know I do.

To My Commenters

I just want to tell you all that you brighten my day. I cannot describe how meaningful it is for a person who feels she has no one in the world who understands her to get virtual hugs and tons of support from really intelligent and beautiful people. I want to let you know that by commenting on this lowly blog, you are really doing a good deed.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Ruining My Life

I don't have a lot of time to write this morning (I have class in a few hours), but I need to purge my thoughts about what happened on Monday.

On Monday I got a grade on a paper that I had hoped would be better. It was in my Shakespeare class, and English classes are way out of my comfort zone. I tried so hard on the paper that I was frustrated that I hadn't done perfectly.

Anyway, in a moment of upset I called my mom to have her help me talk myself down from a ledge, and it turned into a horrible, horrible tear-fest. My mom kept on saying that I put myself under so much pressure to do well that it is unhealthy (which is 100% true). But then she went on to say that my depression and eating disorder were ruining my life and that I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything I want in life if I have to carry these burdens around (which may be true, I don't know). She told me to forget about school and everything else and to put recovery first. After having spent way to many tears I changed the subject.

I have tried twice to put recovery first (during my two stints in long-term inpatient treatment) but no matter what shape I'm in when I leave I immediately fall back to where I was when I admitted myself. This and the fact that I so desperately want to continue with my life/school stops me from trying again. I feel like I will live and die like this. And that saddens me.