I have been in a pissy mood today. It's probably due to the fact that I drank a cup of coffee in the morning and didn't eat breakfast and lunch, so my heart was racing, I was shaking, I was anxious, and I felt like I was going to die. (And the crazy thing is I knew the cure to all of this was eating a reasonable meal or snack, but I chose not to.) But also I am just sick of living with my parents. Today when they came home from their activities they interrupted my studying (they knew I was studying) to ask me inane questions that did not need to be asked at that time or even at all. I gave them one word answers.
After dinner, I went into the den and began chatting with someone on the internet. My dad came in, sat on the couch silently and motionlessly for about three minutes until he asked "Are you going to watch Jeopardy! tonight?" To which I replied "I don't care." So I turned the TV on to Jeopardy!, and my mom comes in, sits down, and then asks me to raise the volume because she can't hear. I said no, and then she said "If you don't turn up the volume I'm going to leave." To which I replied "Okay." So she left.
Later on when it was time to light the menorah for Hannukah I said that I didn't want to participate tonight (I don't believe in my religion). My parents responded by throwing my gift at me: cash.
I was overwhelmed with guilt. I am a horrible daughter who has problems that require a ridiculous amount of expensive treatment. They give me everything and I keep messing up and give them nothing back. I don't deserve the present they gave me. I am a rotten, rotten human being.
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13 comments:
I'm confused. What did you do wrong? cause I didn't see anything in the least bit wrong with what you did. It may not have been your finest moment, but it wasn't out of line.
sooo??? you were a bit moody... I get that way too sometimes where it almost hurts to talk...
and you didn't feel like lighting candles. soooooo??? and then they threw your gift at you?
How old are they??? They ARE older than you, right? LOL
My younger son gives us about 75% INTENSE GRIEF. 20% somewhere in the middle... and 5% good. But I would never ever EVER think of throwing anything at him. (I've felt like it, but I wouldn't)
And believe me, he feels nothing but ENTITLED... and never an ounce of guilt, but he has autism and therefore, that is not something that is inherent in his makeup.
You're a great daughter and a lovely young woman NOS... just not havin a great day!
hugs and love,
L
Oh, and happy 3rd night to you! We didn't light candles either. ;)
NOS sorry you were having a rough day yesterday. There are many days I feel the same way and feel that I am this awful person riddled with guilt. But, I am learning that it is okay (hard) how I feel and not to feel guilty.
Here listening dear one and (((((NOS)))))
Good Morning NOS,
So sorry to hear you had a bad day. (((NOS)))
Blessings,
Tammy
Just because you were perhaps in an irratble mood and it came out a bit towards your parents does not make you a horrible daughter. We all have times when we get irritable.
You are worth all the money spent in treatment if it means you're getting better. You have an illness and therefore you need treatment. It's unfortunate mental health problems bring about that guilt in needing treatment, but it is a legitimate illness just like anything else.
Take care,
Cassie x
Just because you were perhaps in an irratble mood and it came out a bit towards your parents does not make you a horrible daughter. We all have times when we get irritable.
You are worth all the money spent in treatment if it means you're getting better. You have an illness and therefore you need treatment. It's unfortunate mental health problems bring about that guilt in needing treatment, but it is a legitimate illness just like anything else.
Take care,
Cassie x
So you were in a 'mood'. I get in moods all the time. You hinted enough that you were studying and they should have just let you be. Don't beat yourself up because you had a pissy-mood day. It happens!!! To everyone
( hugs )
i'm so sorry you had a rough night. So, maybe you were in a bit of a bad mood, you certianly didn't do anything so bad. i imagine you are a lovely daughter and definately deserve all the treatment you need, without the guilt. (Although i do know the "treatment guilt" well...and i am sooooooo much older than you!).
i am also so sorry your parents acted the way they did...as another reader said, i would never throw anything at my son...that is so awful.
Sending you lots of love,
tracy
PS Lexie Our son has autism too...AS.
I don't agree with your last sentence. No way hosea. Not true.. rotten human being? uh uh. Can't agree with that. I think you're the best and just fighting a terrible battle. Hang tight. Praying tomorrow is way better for you.
Ok NOS, I'm gonna level with you, and this is likely not going to be what you want to hear, but I don't believe in coddling, because coddling is enabling.
I think you need to take a good hard look at your behavior. And saying "I'm horrible" "I'm rotten" "I'm a terrible daughter" won't cut it. That's all a cop-out. That's not examination.
Do you actually feel like there were things that you could have done differently? That you could have done better? Can you say "Instead of doing 'x' I should have done 'y'" without adding a "but" to it? Would you be willing to admit these things to someone else? Would you be wiling to apologize for specific things that you did?
Forget your parents' behavior... and understand that I'm not going to say whether they did anything right or wrong... because that is not something that YOU can do anything about. What YOU can affect is YOUR behavior. If you want self-esteem, do estimable acts.
You're not a horrible person, but you may have behaved badly. You need to separate out these two things. Flinging yourself about and saying "I'm horrible" so that people will come running to say "Oh sweety, no you're not, you're perfect!" Isn't going to help your recovery. The most important thing in recovery, for me, has been getting honest with myself, looking at my character defects, facing them, and doing ACTUAL WORK to change them, which has miraculously enabled me to finally STOP HATING MYSELF.
And sweety, you deserve no less. You are worth it!
*hugs*
I hope that you will be gentle with yourself and stop beating yourself up. Learning to love yourself is a great thing in recovery.
Wow, G Rabanon...um. Wow.
Her parents are in the wrong here. They threw stuff at her.
Hi NOS, I just found your blog via other blogs and had to comment on this post.
You're not a terrible daughter at all. From what you wrote, I don't think you did anything wrong. You have the right to study in peace, you have the right to not turn the volume up, you have the right not to participate in activities that you don't want to. Even if you did these things in an irritable way, it really sounds like your parents were mostly or wholly in the wrong here, and certainly throwing things is not acceptable behaviour for adults.
Hi butterflywings,
Thanks for reading, and thanks for your support!
Wishing you well,
NOS
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