Today was a little better than the last two days in terms of feeling depressed, but still not fantastic. I tried to do everything I could to distract myself-- as soon as I woke up I buckled right down and started studying. I studied the whole morning and early afternoon until I had an appointment with D and unfortunately had to confront my feelings.
The session was a little frustrating. I started by telling him about how crappy I have been feeling and for some reason he kind of took the conversation in a different direction, so when I left I kind of felt unfulfilled. You know what I mean? I just feel like I didn't get what I wanted out of our time together. It's very frustrating.
One of the things that D brought up was the fact that when our group starts talking about sexual assault I don't share my story. So then we got to talking about what happened when I was seventeen. (As an aside: I'm not sure if D knows about what happened when I was eighteen, or if he just forgot. But he always brings up the first assault and never the second.) I told him that the actual incident doesn't really upset me anymore, but the abandonment I experienced afterwords still stings badly. I had been relatively popular in middle school and high school until that one day in my senior year when everyone found out what they thought happened and deemed me a backstabbing slut and left. I think this abandonment would hurt anyone, but for someone with issues like mine it hurt on a whole different level. After that, my eating went to shit and five months later I was in the hospital.
I told D that I'm still not sure if what happened was my fault or not. Maybe I wanted it? I don't know. But I guess perseverating on something for a long time will get you to question every detail.
Suicide still looks good.
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5 comments:
your last comment alarms me. Suicide should never look good because of everyone else it affects. It might seem good to YOU but everyone around you would be scarred. We- the bloggers- care about you. I can say for myself you affect me.
I am glad that your day was a bit better- I hope it keeps getting better.
Hang in there..you can do this. You really can.
xoxo
-Lisa
NOS I am glad you were feeling a little better than the previous days. I analyze a lot and sometimes I feel I can over do it. Here listening dear one. ((((NOS))))
Here listening NOS...
I am so sorry for what happened to you and I don't think it was your fault.
Blessings,
Tammy
suicide is never good. Even if it looks black things change. Heck things always change.
Take care of yourself.
NOS you were very kind with your recent comment to me, that I will come here to your blog and personally "thank you." :)
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