Today was a little better than the last two days in terms of feeling depressed, but still not fantastic. I tried to do everything I could to distract myself-- as soon as I woke up I buckled right down and started studying. I studied the whole morning and early afternoon until I had an appointment with D and unfortunately had to confront my feelings.
The session was a little frustrating. I started by telling him about how crappy I have been feeling and for some reason he kind of took the conversation in a different direction, so when I left I kind of felt unfulfilled. You know what I mean? I just feel like I didn't get what I wanted out of our time together. It's very frustrating.
One of the things that D brought up was the fact that when our group starts talking about sexual assault I don't share my story. So then we got to talking about what happened when I was seventeen. (As an aside: I'm not sure if D knows about what happened when I was eighteen, or if he just forgot. But he always brings up the first assault and never the second.) I told him that the actual incident doesn't really upset me anymore, but the abandonment I experienced afterwords still stings badly. I had been relatively popular in middle school and high school until that one day in my senior year when everyone found out what they thought happened and deemed me a backstabbing slut and left. I think this abandonment would hurt anyone, but for someone with issues like mine it hurt on a whole different level. After that, my eating went to shit and five months later I was in the hospital.
I told D that I'm still not sure if what happened was my fault or not. Maybe I wanted it? I don't know. But I guess perseverating on something for a long time will get you to question every detail.
Suicide still looks good.