Last Saturday in group for some reason I began to talk about my sisters. Specifically, I talked about how when I am one on one with my middle sister A (who is turning 27 at the end of the month) we are best friends and get along splendidly. But when all three of us-- A, M (my 30 year old sister), and myself-- are together, it becomes two against one; my sisters are buddy-buddy and I am the outcast and treated poorly. D asked whether this made me feel angry, and after some thought, I said "no."
Then today in therapy D asked me whether the fact that S comes to me only in between his girlfriends and is essentially using me makes me angry. I said "no." He also asked whether I was angry at JA for not following through on our plans to meet up. I said "no."
For me, anger is a funny emotion. I feel it a lot, but never really at other people. The only people I ever get angry with are my parents, my treatment team, and myself. Similarly, the only people I feel comfortable expressing my anger to are my parents, my treatment team, and myself.
I tend to get angry at myself very often. I get angry at myself for having an eating disorder and relapsing so many times. I get angry at myself for my failed suicide attempts (because I failed, not because I tried). I get angry at myself for ruining relationships and isolating myself. I get angry at my body because I see everything wrong with it.
But I let other people get away with so much. A should not be two-faced, S shouldn't treat me like he does and JA should have responded to me. I was treated poorly, yet I don't feel angry. Just sad. And it confirms my thought that I am worthless. It hurts me deeply, but I don't feel angry.
They say depression is anger turned inwards, and that might be the case. Or at least part of the case. Maybe I get angry at myself instead of getting angry at other people because I feel that I am so disposable that if I rock the boat people will leave me. Because that's what happens to me: people leave all of the time. Even when I don't do anything wrong they leave me. I'm a person in someone's eyes when they need me. When they have their needs satisfied elsewhere I am trash.
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4 comments:
(((NOS)))) your words made me think of .... Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind."
Dr. Seuss...
Hi NOS,
Those are some interesting insights you had. It used to be hard for me to get angry to. I turned it on me, too.
Blessings,
Tammy
I have always stuffed my anger and would unleash it on myself. You are anger and that's OK. Internalizing are anger causes us much pain. I'm learning this only now. You are learning before it continues to build into a much uglier monster. Find something physical to let out your anger. I have beat my pillows to death. Just don't take it out on yourself. I really care for you NOS!
Yeah, I suffer from the same thing turning anger upon myself. Although NOS, I am getting better at not doing this, but directing my anger more at the real culprit. Thank you for sharing dear one. Blessings.
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