Last Saturday in group for some reason I began to talk about my sisters. Specifically, I talked about how when I am one on one with my middle sister A (who is turning 27 at the end of the month) we are best friends and get along splendidly. But when all three of us-- A, M (my 30 year old sister), and myself-- are together, it becomes two against one; my sisters are buddy-buddy and I am the outcast and treated poorly. D asked whether this made me feel angry, and after some thought, I said "no."
Then today in therapy D asked me whether the fact that S comes to me only in between his girlfriends and is essentially using me makes me angry. I said "no." He also asked whether I was angry at JA for not following through on our plans to meet up. I said "no."
For me, anger is a funny emotion. I feel it a lot, but never really at other people. The only people I ever get angry with are my parents, my treatment team, and myself. Similarly, the only people I feel comfortable expressing my anger to are my parents, my treatment team, and myself.
I tend to get angry at myself very often. I get angry at myself for having an eating disorder and relapsing so many times. I get angry at myself for my failed suicide attempts (because I failed, not because I tried). I get angry at myself for ruining relationships and isolating myself. I get angry at my body because I see everything wrong with it.
But I let other people get away with so much. A should not be two-faced, S shouldn't treat me like he does and JA should have responded to me. I was treated poorly, yet I don't feel angry. Just sad. And it confirms my thought that I am worthless. It hurts me deeply, but I don't feel angry.
They say depression is anger turned inwards, and that might be the case. Or at least part of the case. Maybe I get angry at myself instead of getting angry at other people because I feel that I am so disposable that if I rock the boat people will leave me. Because that's what happens to me: people leave all of the time. Even when I don't do anything wrong they leave me. I'm a person in someone's eyes when they need me. When they have their needs satisfied elsewhere I am trash.