I'm sorry for not posting the past two days. My sisters have been staying over and I haven't had a chance to be alone until now, when I'm stuck at home sick and my sisters are out shopping. I'm going to the doctor's later on to see if I have strep, so all I know right now is that my throat hurts, I can't talk, I get dizzy when I stand up, and I have a fever. Good times, Great Lakes.
On Wednesday night I had an appointment with Dr. N, my new psychiatrist. I really like her. It was a tough session, but I felt like it was really therapeutic. She's a psychoanalyst, which I thought I wouldn't like, but she's really smart, and, contrary to what I used to believe, psychoanalysis doesn't seem like complete BS. Anyway, we talked about my body image issues and my belief that I am a hideous troll. (This conversation was sparked when Dr. N noticed that I was wearing a lot more makeup than I had in our other three sessions. I told her about my experimentation with wearing less makeup and how it failed. Yes, I am back to wearing eyeliner.)
We also talked a lot about my relationships with friends and my ex-boyfriend from my freshman year at uni. We talked about how I can accept love-hate relationships, but I can't accept pure love relationships. And how I let S use me for sex because I have low self-esteem. I started to cry when she asked me why I do that and I said "If I don't give him what he wants, then I won't have any friends." She said that it was sad that a "beautiful and smart" (her words) girl like me allows others to take advantage. It was very hard to talk about these things, but I'm glad I did. The crying was a bit cathartic.
So yesterday was Thanksgiving, and we had a lot of relatives over for dinner. I followed my plan of having a smaller breakfast and lunch so I could have a more substantial dinner and dessert. I promised my dietitian I would have a bite of sweet potato pie because I LOVE sweet potato pie but it's a fear food for me, so I did. I also had some roasted vegetables with ketchup (I eat almost everything with ketchup), and for dessert I ate the pumpkin swirl brownies that I had baked earlier in the week. I was only planning to have half a brownie, but they were so good that I ate the whole thing. Then, of course, my anxiety skyrocketed and for the first time since March I was tempted to use laxatives. But I didn't have any in the house so I didn't use them, but my anxiety was alleviated this morning when I stepped on the scale and found that I hadn't gained weight.
What's anxiety provoking for me now is the fact that there are tons of leftovers in our fridge. I don't want them there because I'm afraid I will use them to chew and spit. Also, I want to get back to my food routine.
Anyway, readers, I know this has been a long post but I want to say one more thing. I am thankful for all of you. You don't know how much of an amazing feeling it is to know that there are people in the world who want to listen to my less-than-sane ramblings. I tell you things that I can't even tell my treatment team because I know you won't judge me. And that, dear readers, is priceless. Thank you.