Today when I sat down for my German Film class I put my coat and scarf on the seat next to me. Then I began to think why I did that. The obvious answer is that I didn't want someone to sit next to me for a few reasons. Firstly, for reasons that I prefer not to go into depth about, I am very uncomfortable with physical contact or closeness. I cringe when people try to hug me or otherwise touch me. And I get very uneasy when someone intrudes on my personal space and it's hard for me to ask people to back off (because I think I'll come off looking crazy, mean, or rude) so I go on the offensive and try and put physical barriers between myself and others-- hence the coat.
But on a more metaphorical level I am really uncomfortable with emotional closeness as well. D likes to say that I not only have a wall around me, I have a moat filled with crazed alligators. There are very few people that I have let "cross the drawbridge," and my experience is that each time I get burned. Remember CB? She was my best friend whom I thought I could trust and then one day she pulls out the rug from under me, insults me, and tells me that she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Then there was my boyfriend from my freshman year of college. When we broke up he said that he still wanted to be friends, which was a lie, but I am most crushed that he never even cared to ask how I was doing when I clearly was not eating well. ES hasn't returned my calls in months. JA flakes out on me every time we try to meet up.
But perhaps the biggest scar of all has been left by Shrinkiepoo, my previous psychiatrist. I trusted him with my treatment and he became manipulative, controlling, and forced me to do things that I didn't want to do. I never said this before, but it honestly felt like I was being raped again.
So I think I have reasons for maintaining my wall and moat, but I still want to have connections with people. The problem is that people can see the wall and are turned off by it, so no one tries to get close. So I essentially sabotage myself.