I have been pretty much consumed with eating disordered thoughts today. Things started out okay because I had a midterm in my Ecological Anthropology class to be anxious about, but as soon as I got in my car to drive home I started thinking about restricting. I've been having a debate in my head all day-- should I or shouldn't I? I know the right answer is I shouldn't, so maybe the question is more do I want to or do I not want to?
Even without my scales I am concerned about my weight. I know I've been following my meal plan so things should be where they were the last time I weighed myself, but I'm scared that it's higher. I briefly considered asking D for my scales back (he said he would give them back to me if I asked, as long as we talked about it first) but then I think to myself that I'm afraid to see what the number is and would rather remain blissfully (yeah right) unaware. You see, my body image has been wretched the past few days and all I want to do is lose weight. It's all I can think about.
I also feel like I've been more easily triggered by things the past two days. As I mentioned yesterday, reading about someone's height and weight really brought up some intrusive thoughts. And today I saw a picture of my friend that was clearly taken when she was in her eating disorder which also bothered me.
I think all of this is my eating disorder getting back at me for not having listened to it for a week and a half (!). It's like these thoughts and feelings build and build until the pot boils over. I'm trying my hardest to not boil over. One meal at a time.