What I am going to talk about in this post may not make sense to many people. You may think I'm crazy or odd, but I swear I am not irrational. Okay. Here goes.
Having lasted without eating disordered behaviors for two weeks and two days, I am beginning to miss being sick. (By the way, I still believe that I have an eating disorder, it's just I'm in a different phase of it.) I miss the days when people could visibly notice my disorder, when I had to be hospitalized because my blood levels reflected the illness in my head, when I had to gulp down cans and cans of Ensure to gain weight. It's not that those times were fun, but I felt cared about. And maybe special. And I had an identity, and people reinforced that identity.
You may think this sounds like I just want attention, and to an extent you are right. I do want attention. And now that I look no different from any other 22 year-old girl I feel like I'm nothing worth attending to. And it's tough for someone with a psychological disorder-- when the sickness doesn't manifest itself physically then people don't know that you are drowning. (By the way, this is one of the reasons I self-harm on occasion-- I want my pain to be visible. I don't show anyone the cuts or scars, but I know they're there and it's strangely validating.) I am still drowning in depression and eating disordered thoughts. But because I'm "in recovery" people assume that I'm okay. I still need help.
But nonetheless, I am still working towards recovery; not engaging in attention-seeking behaviors. I know being sick has ruined the last six years of my life and I have no intention of letting it take a seventh. It's just hard when people have viewed you in a certain way for several years, and you have viewed yourself in the same way. Who am I without my eating disorder? I'm lost.