What I am going to talk about in this post may not make sense to many people. You may think I'm crazy or odd, but I swear I am not irrational. Okay. Here goes.
Having lasted without eating disordered behaviors for two weeks and two days, I am beginning to miss being sick. (By the way, I still believe that I have an eating disorder, it's just I'm in a different phase of it.) I miss the days when people could visibly notice my disorder, when I had to be hospitalized because my blood levels reflected the illness in my head, when I had to gulp down cans and cans of Ensure to gain weight. It's not that those times were fun, but I felt cared about. And maybe special. And I had an identity, and people reinforced that identity.
You may think this sounds like I just want attention, and to an extent you are right. I do want attention. And now that I look no different from any other 22 year-old girl I feel like I'm nothing worth attending to. And it's tough for someone with a psychological disorder-- when the sickness doesn't manifest itself physically then people don't know that you are drowning. (By the way, this is one of the reasons I self-harm on occasion-- I want my pain to be visible. I don't show anyone the cuts or scars, but I know they're there and it's strangely validating.) I am still drowning in depression and eating disordered thoughts. But because I'm "in recovery" people assume that I'm okay. I still need help.
But nonetheless, I am still working towards recovery; not engaging in attention-seeking behaviors. I know being sick has ruined the last six years of my life and I have no intention of letting it take a seventh. It's just hard when people have viewed you in a certain way for several years, and you have viewed yourself in the same way. Who am I without my eating disorder? I'm lost.
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12 comments:
Hon, it is wonderful that you have two weeks without behaviors. That is HUGE and I don't want you to think that I am minimizing it in any way. Any amount of recovery is real recovery, and therefore you are, indeed, right now IN RECOVERY.
But.
Don't get ahead of yourself. Like I said you are IN RECOVERY but you have only been IN RECOVERY for two weeks. I know it seems like forever, but there isn't a question about whether or not you have an eating disorder... it is waaaaay to early to talk about "missing being sick," though I do understand where you are coming from.
What you have to learn right now as part of your recovery is where are appropriate and productive places and times to make sure your sickness is visible to those to whom you need it to be visible.
Also you have to start to learn how to find other sources of validation. Everybody needs attention and validation, and part of our problem as diseased and addicted people is that we are so sure that the only way we can feel validated is through our disease.
It is a lie. It is a lie that the disease tells us to keep us sick. The disease wants us dead and our best weapon against it is to learn how to live.
Best of luck to you NOS, I hope this is a lasting recovery.
I TOTALLY get that NOS-- I really do. It must've been a comfort in a way to have something that you "felt" set you apart-- but I have a feeling that there is a lot more to you that sets you apart than a disease where everyone freaks out because they are trying to keep you from dying. <3
without an eating disorder you are a young woman trying to find your way in life and that's okay. It really is. I know it's hard when you feel like your drowning and no one knows your pain, believe me I know and understand as I have felt this way before and sometimes do still now. I hope you start to feel a little better soon.
*hugs*
Sarah
I know totally what you mean. When i tried to recover last month I was in hell- I was unhappier than when I was most successful in my Eating Disorder- but the Doctor postponed the Eating Disorder Unit calling. So, to get a place I've had to let myself be ill again so she will visibly see how my brain is not right. I know how you feel. You're doing so well though NOS- I always look forward to your posts and just pray that one day you can lead a life somewhat reflecting normality :) xxxx
NOS you are of worth and I am here listening to you! And yes, the ones who suffer with the same, certainly understand what you are going through the most. ((((NOS))))
I can relate to this so much. I want to feel cared about. I want people to know I need help. And I don't know who I am without my illness, in a way it's become my identity. I don't think it's attention seeking, at least not in the 'bad way' that people perceive attention seeking to be. I think it is about wanting help, and wanting people to realise that you're not okay.
Take care,
Cassie x
Good Morning NOS,
None of what your saying is irrational. You have identified with the disorder and it became part of your identity.
Just a thought....before the traumatic incident with the guy in high school, who were you?
I think you are very insighful on what you have shared here.
Sending you hugs of support. :)
Blessings,
Tammy
LOVED G. Rabanon's comment :)
Totally agree. Just a habit. Need new and better ways to be 'special and different' / get noticed, validated ? whatever it is.. Well blogging about being well is pretty cool. Helping others is very 'validating' I find..
Very ! glad you are making some headway NOS. Keep on keepin on :)
I am always hear to listen to you. My eating disorder doesn't show like some peoples do. I am a normal size, so I don't look sick. You need to continue your support. No one thinks you are "attention getting". Depression is a silent killer. You are working on this with the eating disorder and that is a lot to deal with. We all try to cope with these illness the best we can. You are doing a fantastic job and I am so proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!
I can understand with what you are saying as I struggle with this in my illness as well. It totally makes sense to me and I'm really glad you shared something so personal. I think you are very brave.
Love, C
Being sick sucks when no one can see it. We all want a little extra care when we are sick. When your sick in the head it's very hard because you look normal but the world is not normal.
Please just know that as you go longer and longer you will struggle less sometimes and more others but it will get better. It better or I want my money back.
gosh Nos...I totally get that....but I know when you stop hurting yourself...that's when the real work begins...the painful stuff...the feelings that now are right there. You inspire...you really do....Stay safe and strong okay....
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