Today was a tough day. I had class in the morning and the afternoon which was fine, but I had a lot of time in between them which was not. The eating disordered thoughts from yesterday were still as loud as ever. I kept on thinking to myself "Just delay. Delay and maybe you won't engage in those behaviors at all." But it was so difficult.
I had a little reprieve this evening when I went to my high school fencing coach's club. I went to visit him and some other people there-- my coach was like a father to me during high school (I was very serious about fencing, having gone to several national tournaments) so I like to see him now and then when I can. There was a boy there who introduced himself to me (WC) and we began to talk. We were great together, and I've kind of developed a little crush! Unfortunately he is being deployed to Japan in a month because he's in the Air Force so I don't think there's much boyfriend potential. But, oh, would I like there to be! He was cute and smart and nice. Dammit.
While I was at the club I was so distracted by my coach and by the boy that my thoughts were pretty much silenced. But as soon as I got in my car and drove home the thoughts reappeared. I am still delaying, but I am feeling myself weaken.
When my brain is in this mode I start to question: why me? Why have I been inflicted with such a painful and debilitating disease? It just doesn't seem fair. I don't want to live like this.
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5 comments:
hello NOS :)
the crush sounds like a very positive development. glad you had a nice reprieve :)
http://www.maitreyaproject.org/en/relic/calendar.html
if you are near? any of these places this free tour of artifacts is !!! well worth a visit :)
Good Morning NOS,
Wow! You have many talents. Musical, Fencing, and crafts.....
Thanks for sharing all your gifts with us. :)
Blessings,
Tammy
I know this disease can be awful, but I believe you are doing much better and this can continue. I'm sorry the young man was be sent to Japan so soon. He sounds great. I hope you have a good day today. (((NOS))))
It sounds as if you have an answer of sorts--get out of yourself and do other things that get your mind off of you. What's the harm in talking with the boy? Now is the time that perhaps he needs a friend more than ever.
Girl you are diverse. I took up fencing a few times as well. (((NOS)))
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