Today was a tough day. I had class in the morning and the afternoon which was fine, but I had a lot of time in between them which was not. The eating disordered thoughts from yesterday were still as loud as ever. I kept on thinking to myself "Just delay. Delay and maybe you won't engage in those behaviors at all." But it was so difficult.
I had a little reprieve this evening when I went to my high school fencing coach's club. I went to visit him and some other people there-- my coach was like a father to me during high school (I was very serious about fencing, having gone to several national tournaments) so I like to see him now and then when I can. There was a boy there who introduced himself to me (WC) and we began to talk. We were great together, and I've kind of developed a little crush! Unfortunately he is being deployed to Japan in a month because he's in the Air Force so I don't think there's much boyfriend potential. But, oh, would I like there to be! He was cute and smart and nice. Dammit.
While I was at the club I was so distracted by my coach and by the boy that my thoughts were pretty much silenced. But as soon as I got in my car and drove home the thoughts reappeared. I am still delaying, but I am feeling myself weaken.
When my brain is in this mode I start to question: why me? Why have I been inflicted with such a painful and debilitating disease? It just doesn't seem fair. I don't want to live like this.