Today as I was driving home from class I realized that I have so many thoughts during the day that by the time I get home and sit down to write a blog post I've forgotten most of them. It's very frustrating. So I think I'm going to buy a small notepad and a pen to keep with me at all times so I can write what happens to me and what I'm thinking.
Anyway, today was my second appointment with Dr. N-- kind of a follow-up to our last appointment because we didn't get a chance to talk about everything that needed to be talked about. The first thing we talked about was her first impressions of me (and mine of her): she said she thinks that I'm very smart but that I keep people at a distance and have a very strong wall set up so I'm unable to make connections to others. I tried my hardest not to, but I ended up crying.
I want friends so badly. I am so lonely. But I either always feel like other people don't have anything to offer me or I feel ashamed of myself. I told Dr. N that it's hard for me not to keep people at a distance because I legitimately have something to hide: severe, chronic depression, anorexia, anxiety, and a history of hospitalizations and suicide attempts. And for the past five years I have been on a path that not many people would care to admit to have been on. So what am I supposed to say when people say "Tell me about yourself"? Revealing the truth would be, in my opinion, emotionally slutty (revealing too much too soon). And I never get to the point at which I feel comfortable telling someone the truth because I fear the other person's reaction so much. It's just another way that the eating disorder has absolutely destroyed my life.
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4 comments:
I can relate to having all those thoughts and then forgetting them. Especially after a t. session at times with me.
I guess I am learning that I do not have to share everything about myself to any one and feel guilty about it. It is taking time to develop this habit and not feel guilty about it. I have learn to just condense what I say, not revealing too much if I do not care to. I have that right. I do not feel I am being deceptive now. :)
Here listening NOS....
Hi NOS,
Here listening and sending a good morning hug. Sounds like things are going well so far with Dr. N.
Blessings,
Tammy
I don't believe we have to share everything with all our friends. Friends come in degree of trust. It is not always safe to put yourself out there wide open. I have "friends" that I have know for years that do not know everything about me. In fact very few of my very best friends know the whole story. People don't need to know everything right away. Trust is earned. Keep things on a simple bases at first. Share non treating things about yourself. You have so much to offer. Keep working with this new doctor and I see you growing stronger in the days to come. (((NOS))))
Share what you feel comfortable sharing. I don't feel obligated to reveal everything about myself to friends. I do that with my Al-Anon sponsor who knows more about me than anyone else.
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