Today as I was driving home from class I realized that I have so many thoughts during the day that by the time I get home and sit down to write a blog post I've forgotten most of them. It's very frustrating. So I think I'm going to buy a small notepad and a pen to keep with me at all times so I can write what happens to me and what I'm thinking.
Anyway, today was my second appointment with Dr. N-- kind of a follow-up to our last appointment because we didn't get a chance to talk about everything that needed to be talked about. The first thing we talked about was her first impressions of me (and mine of her): she said she thinks that I'm very smart but that I keep people at a distance and have a very strong wall set up so I'm unable to make connections to others. I tried my hardest not to, but I ended up crying.
I want friends so badly. I am so lonely. But I either always feel like other people don't have anything to offer me or I feel ashamed of myself. I told Dr. N that it's hard for me not to keep people at a distance because I legitimately have something to hide: severe, chronic depression, anorexia, anxiety, and a history of hospitalizations and suicide attempts. And for the past five years I have been on a path that not many people would care to admit to have been on. So what am I supposed to say when people say "Tell me about yourself"? Revealing the truth would be, in my opinion, emotionally slutty (revealing too much too soon). And I never get to the point at which I feel comfortable telling someone the truth because I fear the other person's reaction so much. It's just another way that the eating disorder has absolutely destroyed my life.