It was a rough day today. Things started out fine; I had a dentist appointment in the morning and received many complements about my teeth. But at 2:30pm I had a dietitian appointment, and that's when things started heading downhill. Rapidly.
As she usually does, my dietitian asked me how eating has gone this past week and I told her that I had one day where I didn't eat breakfast or lunch. She asked why I did that and I told her it was because my weight had gone up that morning and I was trying to compensate for it and to get it back down to what it was the day before. Then she asked why my weight means so much to me-- what's behind it-- and I didn't know. (At this point I was crying my eyes out.) All I know is that not knowing my weight brings me a lot of anxiety, and knowing that my weight has gone up does the same. But I couldn't give her the reason she wanted (which I'm not sure what that is). I told her that I think it's just programmed into my brain damaged head and no matter how hard I try I can't change it.
She then asked if therapy was helping and I told her it wasn't. I don't know what D and I talk about in our sessions, but it doesn't seem to be pertinent or helpful. In fact, ever since I started seeing D again in June things have gotten worse. Not that I attribute that to him, but I do think he should be helping me to make sure that things at least stay the same.
As I mentioned yesterday, I don't want my eating disorder anymore but it seems to want me pretty badly. I never asked for this disease. In summary, I feel hopeless.
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7 comments:
I really can relate to so much of what you have written in this post. I am really sorry that you are finding it so difficult with your eating disorder - they really are hideous things to go through. I hope so much that the next week is better for you than the last one has been. xxx
Don't give up. Yes this eating disorder does seem to want you, but you don't want it. That means one day you will win. Much work and therapy and support of those that love you will go into it, but you will win. Standing in there with you. Hugs((((NOS)))
NOS I am sorry you are feeling hopeless. I can say I have days when I feel very hopeless. That things are not working for me, why bother. Then there is a new day to start again. Hard, but I am glad for a new day. B/t/w you must have some great looking choppers. Here listening. ((((NOS))))
Sorry my mind isn't working too well right now either, so sending you a big hug. It does feel bad sometimes but it will get better. I hope.
Hi NOS,
Thanks for your words of encouragement and support this week. I am feeling a bit better.
I want to encourage you with D. Sometimes in therapy it feels like things are not getting better, but I don't see you getting worse.
I see you making progress. Right now there are seeds being planted that one day will bring a harvest. When a farmer plants the seeds, He can't see what's going on under the surface. And then one day, "WOW" a harvest. I am praying you will keep watering, fertilizing, and then one day you are going to look and see the "harvest".
I have seen you grow so much since the time I started following your blog. Pulling for you, sweetie.
Blessings,
Tammy
I'm sorry you had such a rough day dear one. Hang in there.
Love, C
I understand! I am feeling hopeless about mine too. I think if I go inpatient and then it doesn't work for me, what then. I've tried everything I can think of and it's not working :-(
I wish I could help both of us right now!
*hugs*
Sarah
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