It was a rough day today. Things started out fine; I had a dentist appointment in the morning and received many complements about my teeth. But at 2:30pm I had a dietitian appointment, and that's when things started heading downhill. Rapidly.
As she usually does, my dietitian asked me how eating has gone this past week and I told her that I had one day where I didn't eat breakfast or lunch. She asked why I did that and I told her it was because my weight had gone up that morning and I was trying to compensate for it and to get it back down to what it was the day before. Then she asked why my weight means so much to me-- what's behind it-- and I didn't know. (At this point I was crying my eyes out.) All I know is that not knowing my weight brings me a lot of anxiety, and knowing that my weight has gone up does the same. But I couldn't give her the reason she wanted (which I'm not sure what that is). I told her that I think it's just programmed into my brain damaged head and no matter how hard I try I can't change it.
She then asked if therapy was helping and I told her it wasn't. I don't know what D and I talk about in our sessions, but it doesn't seem to be pertinent or helpful. In fact, ever since I started seeing D again in June things have gotten worse. Not that I attribute that to him, but I do think he should be helping me to make sure that things at least stay the same.
As I mentioned yesterday, I don't want my eating disorder anymore but it seems to want me pretty badly. I never asked for this disease. In summary, I feel hopeless.