I'm writing a bit earlier than usual today because my sister A is in town and she's currently out of the house (with my parents, eating dinner at my grandmother's because it's Rosh Hashana) so she won't see me post. (This blog is a secret from my family. And everyone else in my "real" life, for that matter.) I came back from wind ensemble sooner than I expected-- it wasn't an actual rehearsal like I was expecting, but just a meeting. I kind of feel bad missing my grandma's dinner for just a meeting that wasn't actually mandatory, but I think I made the right decision. Having a family dinner would have been very difficult for me.
That being said, I have set a goal for myself to be eating disorder symptom-free for (at least) a week. Starting yesterday. I'm not going to count weighing myself as a symptom even though it probably is. But I am not ready to get rid of my scale yet and I'm just trying to get the actual eating part of eating down. I'll keep you updated on how this goes.
I am currently reading Kathy Griffin's memoir, Official Book Club Selection, and the topic of suicide came up. Kathy was talking about her former Suddenly Susan costar David Strickland and how he hanged himself after he couldn't overcome his addictions to drugs and alcohol. Before he died he told Kathy that he felt like he wouldn't be able to conquer his addictions, and I started thinking about my addiction: my eating disorder. I am really unsure if I will be able to conquer this thing; if the last six years are any indication then it's likely I will still have an eating disorder when I die. And I'm afraid of myself. I have tried to kill myself four times-- will the next time be the one that works? Would I hang myself like Strickland? Or would I try pills again? You see, this is where my mind goes when the topic of suicide comes up. It just sends my mind on a path to a very dark, morbid place.
But please know that I'm not going to hurt myself, I'm just thinking about what it would be like. I really want to beat my eating disorder and get my depression under control (I'm convinced that I will never live without my depression). I want to be able to read a book that mentions suicide and not contemplate my own.