I'm writing a bit earlier than usual today because my sister A is in town and she's currently out of the house (with my parents, eating dinner at my grandmother's because it's Rosh Hashana) so she won't see me post. (This blog is a secret from my family. And everyone else in my "real" life, for that matter.) I came back from wind ensemble sooner than I expected-- it wasn't an actual rehearsal like I was expecting, but just a meeting. I kind of feel bad missing my grandma's dinner for just a meeting that wasn't actually mandatory, but I think I made the right decision. Having a family dinner would have been very difficult for me.
That being said, I have set a goal for myself to be eating disorder symptom-free for (at least) a week. Starting yesterday. I'm not going to count weighing myself as a symptom even though it probably is. But I am not ready to get rid of my scale yet and I'm just trying to get the actual eating part of eating down. I'll keep you updated on how this goes.
I am currently reading Kathy Griffin's memoir, Official Book Club Selection, and the topic of suicide came up. Kathy was talking about her former Suddenly Susan costar David Strickland and how he hanged himself after he couldn't overcome his addictions to drugs and alcohol. Before he died he told Kathy that he felt like he wouldn't be able to conquer his addictions, and I started thinking about my addiction: my eating disorder. I am really unsure if I will be able to conquer this thing; if the last six years are any indication then it's likely I will still have an eating disorder when I die. And I'm afraid of myself. I have tried to kill myself four times-- will the next time be the one that works? Would I hang myself like Strickland? Or would I try pills again? You see, this is where my mind goes when the topic of suicide comes up. It just sends my mind on a path to a very dark, morbid place.
But please know that I'm not going to hurt myself, I'm just thinking about what it would be like. I really want to beat my eating disorder and get my depression under control (I'm convinced that I will never live without my depression). I want to be able to read a book that mentions suicide and not contemplate my own.
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8 comments:
I'm glad that you aren't contemplating your own death. I know that life is much better--every time I see a sunset or hear the wind in the trees, I realize how much I would miss if I weren't here. Life is precious. Believe me, it is.
instead of thinking of the people who die of the 'ism' focus instead on the people who tried to kill themselves as least as many times as you, if not more and went on to live fulfilled purposeful lives. The internet abounds with people with extraordinarily difficult backgrounds who overcome their demons and get to take part in life. Have you seen Jonathan Minters Blog? Thats a fascinating story of overcoming demons a day at a time. There are many more. Lots with very complex and entrenched eating disorders.
http://4thavenueblues.blogspot.com/
Well really wanting to beat the ED is a great step in the recovery direction! I know it can so easily feel like you're trapped, but there IS hope, and you CAN be free of it.
Thanks for the continual support on my blog :)
xxx
Hey I'm Jewish too....so knowing that you celebrate Rosh Hashonna...I wish you a totally sweet year...full of great things....You deserve it Nos...cause I think you're the total best.
and about conquering addictions...I did...kicked the needle, throwing up...starving and cutting myself. If I can...anyone can. In your corner...
Good Morning NOS,
I am so glad you have a place where you can express and give your feelings a voice.
I wanted to comment on something you wrote about related to your great grandparents to encourage you.
When you said they were Holocost survivors, I was amazed. That is so powerful! It made me think that your family is a family of fighters. They survived one of the most evil attacks waged against humanity in this world.
You are a fighter NOS. You have survival in your bloodline.
If you ever feel led, I would love to hear their story.
I believe you are going to find your way out of this eating disorder and depression.
Pulling for you. :)
Blessings and Hugs,
Tammy
Lots of time a book will trigger a though like that, don't read too much into it (pun intended).
Maybe if we could learn to live in the grey, most of the people I know with ED's think in black and white terms, we would be happier.
I know how you feel. When ever time you hear the word suicide you think how would I do it. I even thing how I could I make it look like a natural event so I don't hurt anyone one else. My brother son committed suicide and the pain lives on for the family. The eating disorder is a terrible thing to have to fight everyday. You are doing better. I believe in you! Hugs my friend.
Blogging I find has been a great outlet for me NOS to share and to express feelings that I never have in the past.
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