I had a pretty uneventful day-- baking for WC, going to group, and reading for class-- but I had an interesting telephone conversation with D tonight. I asked him to call me because I was having trouble deciding whether or not to go to the wind ensemble rehearsal on Wednesday instead of my grandmother's Rosh Hashana dinner. I told him that I really wanted to go to wind ensemble instead of the dinner because it would be really, really difficult to go to three family dinners three days in a row (there are two other dinners the next two nights), because of religious reasons, because wind ensemble sounds like a lot more fun and because I have the chance to make friends there and I'm in desperate need of friends. D supported my decision to go to wind ensemble, which felt validating and reassuring.
He then asked how I was going to tell my parents about my decision and suggested I be honest about the eating-related reason. I told him I couldn't do that. You see, my parents have a tendency to overreact. And in March when they and my sisters staged a very dramatic intervention and forcibly took me from my apartment to the hospital I learned that I can't tell anyone in my family how I'm doing if I'm not doing perfectly because in their minds "struggling" or "not perfect" means "needs to go to the hospital ASAP." And I really don't want to go to the hospital, nor do I think I need to.
What I realized, though, is that in our family sessions Shrinkiepoo totally reinforced this mindset. He said he wanted me to be "recoverED" (past tense) by August, obviously unaware that in addiction terminology one is "in recovery" for several years before they are "recoverED" if ever. He reinforced my parents' expectation of perfection by validating them when they told him they were concerned about how at restaurants I always eat a half of what I am served. Both my parents and Shrinkiepoo don't understand that recovering from an eating disorder is, excuse me, fucking difficult and that expecting perfection is just unreasonable.
So I decided that I am going to tell my parents that I can't go to the dinner because my attendance at wind ensemble is mandatory if I want to participate for the rest of the semester. D said he liked this story. It's a lie, but I feel like telling the truth would just have too many negative consequences.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
Interesting. i live by the motto The people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter, so I always encourage ppl to tell the truth,
ie something like, I know how important these family get-togethers are perceived to be by the family, but I've really been looking forward to going to the wind ensemble and I'd really much rather go their instead. I feel I can say this to you because I understand that you do your utmost to be reasonable, and because I know you want me to be as happy as I can be.'
or something like that. meaning you are putting your faith in them, and not treating them like infants, meaning you trust your family to act like a grown-up. and if they throw a tantrum or act childishly in response to that request, than that can be dealt with separately. sometimes it is useful if the family member throws a tantrum in response, because it flags up their immaturity and emotional dependency which can be very useful when clarifying issues between family members.
any way, hope you have a great time at the wind ensemble :)
NOS having to live to be perfect and having others 'expect' this from you and let alone yourself is exhausting. I know. So glad you realize this! Great you were able to discuss with D a plan. All the best on the audition come Wednesday! Excited to learn how it went!
Blessings dear one.
I am glad you decided to go to what you wanted to go to and not what your parents wanted you to. It can be really hard to tell parents no when you really don't want to go to what they want you to. I have a mother than can be way overbearing and she expects a lot of others, but not of herself. So I say no to her all the time and it took a while to do that but I am so glad I do and I do lie sometimes so that she will leave me alone. Good for you!
*hugs*
Sarah
Hmmm... It's a sticky position to be in. I applaud you for being cognizant of what you need right now for your recovery, though at some point it may be important to figure out how to navigate religious obligations in the future without compromising your recovery.
Two things I'm curious about... a) how old are you b) how religious is your family? For me, religious obligations are VERY important, and not something I consider optional, but they can be VERY triggering. It's a hard thing to navigate, but I do believe that we can each find a way to make peace with it. This year on my rabbi's instruction I didn't fast on Tisha B'Av. It was a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with even with the rabbi's permission/instruction... but of course, when you find your peace with God, and believe yourself to be acting in accordance with God's will (and of course God's will is that we should live and be healthy) both the perceived judgements of others and self-judgement begin to lose their power.
Shanah Tovah U'Metuka :)
i would make a better comment, but it looks like everyone else beat me to it!!
Hope wind ensemble is fun!
xx
Hi G. Rabanon,
I'm 22 years old. And my family belongs to a conservative synagogue, but ever since I have gotten sick they have been less devout. But all four of my grandparents were/are Holocaust survivors, so being Jewish is an important cultural identity too.
Shana tova umetucah to you as well! Chag sameach.
NOS
You can have what you need and your family support. Continue to do what you need and want to do. Recovery takes time. Sometimes a life time. We do what we can day by day and stay safe. That is what is important. I am very proud of you!
Hi NOS,
Glad to hear D is helping you to navigate through these sticky family situations. When I started putting up my own boundaries with my family, I went through similar feelings.
Blessings,
Tammy
I think that being truthful can be done without being hurtful. I like being honest about what I want to do. It is something that I practice with my recovery.
Post a Comment