Today was miserable. Things got off on the wrong foot when I woke up this morning and immediately got sick. Sorry if this is too much information, but I was running to the bathroom every five minutes. I soon got dehydrated and therefore a massive headache, so I took some ibuprofen and that helped a little. But I had class at 9:30am and we were supposed to have a quiz so I had to get myself in the car and hope that I made it all the way there.
So I went to class and some strange man walked in to tell us that the professor was not coming today (he also wasn't there on Wednesday) and that we should finish the movie that we had watched on Wednesday. There was five minutes left in the movie, so class was over at 9:35am. I made a twenty minute drive for a five minute class. While sick. I was pretty angry. (But I found out later through email that the professor's wife had had a baby on Wednesday, so I guess he had a good excuse for not showing up. But still, he could have emailed us to cancel class.)
I spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon at the library doing some work. As I was driving home D called me because I had called him yesterday after my disastrous appointment with my dietitian to (1) tell him that I didn't think therapy was helping, and (2) follow up on whether or not he had arranged things with a psychiatrist for me. After five weeks of waiting for him to give me the verdict on a specific shrink he said that she doesn't want to take me as a patient because she once worked with my mom (also a psychiatrist) on a case and it "didn't go well." So thanks, mom, for ruining that for me. But I also got angry at D-- I know it wasn't all his fault that it took the psychiatrist and him five weeks to come to a conclusion but it definitely was partially attributable to him. Five weeks is ridiculous (and it's not like I'm in super shape right now so a shrink might have been helpful).
My anger towards D about the psychiatrist just added to the anger that I am feeling towards him because I don't think we're doing anything of substance in therapy and whatever we are doing isn't working. I told him that I thought all therapy is bullshit, that ever since I began seeing him again things have gotten worse. He said to me "NOS, when you do this you tend to shut down. Don't shut down. Let's have an extra session this week." Maybe I was shutting down; I interpret it as expressing my anger and not pretending that there's no problems. I reluctantly agreed to the extra session although I don't know why.
Eating has been bad too. I think in the past week I have used behaviors every day. Please know that I don't want to use behaviors, but that I feel compelled to do it by forces beyond my control. You see, there's a voice in my head that tells me to act on my eating disorder and it won't stop torturing me until I obey it. So my life has become a game of delaying: I try to put off acting on my eating disorder until I can't do it anymore and give in. I usually last a couple of days, but not this week. I told D about this and he said that we should discuss this voice during our extra session because he thinks the voice represents something or someone else. Me, I just think that I'm damaged goods. Nothing represents anything else. There's just something wrong with me and no one knows what it is.
Oh, and my mom is angry at me because my sister A and I want to see Easy A tomorrow after dinner. Tomorrow is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, and all Jewish adults are supposed to fast from sundown on Friday (today) to sundown on Saturday (tomorrow). So tomorrow evening we are having the "break-fast" at our house and a lot of guests are coming. I don't know why my mom got angry because A and I are planning to go to the latest showing so that we don't have to leave the party early. I think my mom is just bitter that I haven't gone (and don't plan to go) to temple during the holidays and so she takes her anger out on me by acting childishly. The icing on the cake.
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9 comments:
It sounds like both of us are going through a rough time right now. I have been acting on my eating disorder and finding it hard not to, though I think this is partly because I know I will most likely, as long as my psychiatrist is willing, will be going inpatient in November. I don't know, it's all just too hard sometimes.
*hugs*
Sarah
Oh, that must have been really frustrating going in when you didn't need to. I remember that happening to me when I was at 6th Form, except that was over an hour and a quarter travelling time each way (an hour and three quarters if I had to go by bus the whole way, less if I could be picked up part way instead of changing bus) and it was just so frustrating to get all the way there and find it had been for nothing. So I can definitely empathise!
I am sorry the eating is still difficult. I am interested that D thinks your voice represents someone or something else - I have a voice in my head like that, with depression/suicide things as well as eating, but just consider it to be a part of my brain, like an internal monologue or something - I don't view it as a 'voice' as in hearing voices, as I am sure it is just a part of me, and professionals seem to agree. I wonder what makes him think it represents someone else. Would be interested to hear more about that when you have talked about it.
xxx
Have a lovely Yom Kippur and try not to let everything get you down. I'm so sorry that recovery isn't going as well as you would have hoped, but it's so so encouraging to see someone who doesn't want this disease. Stay strong, xxxx
I know what you mean about feeling like you don't want this disease, but that it is controlling you, and you don't know how to stop. I'm going through the same thing right now, and it sucks! Sometimes I think that therapy makes me worse, because I want to prove to my therapist that I'm really sick, and that I need help. Does that fit for you at all? Anyway...I'm sending{{{HUGS}}} I hope that you can find your way back to recovery.
(((((NOS)))) I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. It just doesn't seem fair that a person should have to deal with so much. Believe me when I say sometimes I get so angry that mental illness exists. I There for you and do so understand how frustrating this can be. I believe in you and really care about you.
((((NOS))))
I also thought for a long time that the voices and urges were just my damage, they were just me, just part of my brain and there was nothing to be done. I was convinced for the longest time that my depression and compulsions and crazy were just ME, and that these things defined me and would always define me. I also thought for a long time that therapy was bullshit, that the entire psychological field was largely bullshit, that no one seemed to want to deal with ME, with who I was, they just wanted to see which textbook case I seemed to look like, when I knew, I just KNEW that I was like nothing they'd ever seen in their textbooks, and they'd never be able to help me.
Well, I was partly right.
We don't exist in their textbooks. Each of us is unique, and the textbooks don't tell them about US, who WE are. Only we can tell them that...
But you know, they can sometimes see things about us that we can't. They exist outside of our brain and they can observe us from an angle to which we ourselves are blind.
It took me a long long time to trust any mental health professional enough to open up, and to allow for the possibility that maybe, jut maybe, even though I was without a doubt smarter than they were, and even though the way my mind works is different from any they've seen before, that perhaps I could use their perspective, their observations, their questions, to my benefit. It took a huge leap of faith and willingness to break that barrier. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, seeking help voluntarily, and then being open to that help.
It took me 28 years to figure out that I. Am. Not. My. Disease.
I am not saying, NOS, that I did it and so of course you should be able to do it too. Your journey is different from mine in all sorts of ways of which I have not even an inkling. It's just that, when you describe feelings and thoughts SO SIMILAR to those I've had for so long, I feel like I NEED to share it with you. I'm just hoping that somehow, at some point, it might help you to see others have been some of the places you are now, and they've gotten better. I'm just hoping that, if nothing else, I might help you find a little hope or even comfort.
Hang in there.
I'm glad that you were able to say yes to that extra session. While it might not be what you want to do, just saying yes was you taking a step to kick ed in the ass and take a step towards recovery. You can do it honey! And I hope that you are feeling healthier now.
that sucks about the five minute class though! But your professor's wife had a baby! It's the start of a new and beautiful adventure for him :)
You have my love and support. xoxo
NOS I hope you had a nice holiday yesterday despite all the uproar. Blessings to you dear one.
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