Today was miserable. Things got off on the wrong foot when I woke up this morning and immediately got sick. Sorry if this is too much information, but I was running to the bathroom every five minutes. I soon got dehydrated and therefore a massive headache, so I took some ibuprofen and that helped a little. But I had class at 9:30am and we were supposed to have a quiz so I had to get myself in the car and hope that I made it all the way there.
So I went to class and some strange man walked in to tell us that the professor was not coming today (he also wasn't there on Wednesday) and that we should finish the movie that we had watched on Wednesday. There was five minutes left in the movie, so class was over at 9:35am. I made a twenty minute drive for a five minute class. While sick. I was pretty angry. (But I found out later through email that the professor's wife had had a baby on Wednesday, so I guess he had a good excuse for not showing up. But still, he could have emailed us to cancel class.)
I spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon at the library doing some work. As I was driving home D called me because I had called him yesterday after my disastrous appointment with my dietitian to (1) tell him that I didn't think therapy was helping, and (2) follow up on whether or not he had arranged things with a psychiatrist for me. After five weeks of waiting for him to give me the verdict on a specific shrink he said that she doesn't want to take me as a patient because she once worked with my mom (also a psychiatrist) on a case and it "didn't go well." So thanks, mom, for ruining that for me. But I also got angry at D-- I know it wasn't all his fault that it took the psychiatrist and him five weeks to come to a conclusion but it definitely was partially attributable to him. Five weeks is ridiculous (and it's not like I'm in super shape right now so a shrink might have been helpful).
My anger towards D about the psychiatrist just added to the anger that I am feeling towards him because I don't think we're doing anything of substance in therapy and whatever we are doing isn't working. I told him that I thought all therapy is bullshit, that ever since I began seeing him again things have gotten worse. He said to me "NOS, when you do this you tend to shut down. Don't shut down. Let's have an extra session this week." Maybe I was shutting down; I interpret it as expressing my anger and not pretending that there's no problems. I reluctantly agreed to the extra session although I don't know why.
Eating has been bad too. I think in the past week I have used behaviors every day. Please know that I don't want to use behaviors, but that I feel compelled to do it by forces beyond my control. You see, there's a voice in my head that tells me to act on my eating disorder and it won't stop torturing me until I obey it. So my life has become a game of delaying: I try to put off acting on my eating disorder until I can't do it anymore and give in. I usually last a couple of days, but not this week. I told D about this and he said that we should discuss this voice during our extra session because he thinks the voice represents something or someone else. Me, I just think that I'm damaged goods. Nothing represents anything else. There's just something wrong with me and no one knows what it is.
Oh, and my mom is angry at me because my sister A and I want to see Easy A tomorrow after dinner. Tomorrow is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, and all Jewish adults are supposed to fast from sundown on Friday (today) to sundown on Saturday (tomorrow). So tomorrow evening we are having the "break-fast" at our house and a lot of guests are coming. I don't know why my mom got angry because A and I are planning to go to the latest showing so that we don't have to leave the party early. I think my mom is just bitter that I haven't gone (and don't plan to go) to temple during the holidays and so she takes her anger out on me by acting childishly. The icing on the cake.