Like I said on Twitter earlier today, I didn't post yesterday because I was completely crippled by depression and eating disordered thoughts. In fact, that pretty much seems to be the case every time I don't post. I just couldn't get myself out of bed. I felt/feel disgusting about it.
Anyway, I didn't tell you this on Wednesday but while I was at the fencing club D called me to tell me about a conversation he had with Shrinkiepoo. You see, after I broke up with Shrinkiepoo he asked my permission to call D and I said that was fine. They finally got into contact with each other on Wednesday. D said pretty much what I was expecting him to say: that Shrinkiepoo said he likes me, that he would gladly take me back if I wanted to, and that he would also be glad to help me find a new psychiatrist at uni when I go back. Basically what he said to me in our last session.
Then D asked me how I felt about what Shrinkiepoo said and, as has been typical for me for the past week or so, I said "nothing." I am so numb I can barely feel a thing. But I am aware of one feeling: I kind of miss Shrinkiepoo. Don't get me wrong-- I don't want him back and I think I made the right decision, but I still miss him. For three years he was an exceptional psychiatrist to me and gave me support and help that no one else could. I think it's not crazy for me to miss that. (As I am writing this in the library I am blinking back tears lest everyone think that I am a nutcase, which I am.) In my ideal world Shrinkiepoo would stop his paternalistic ways, allow me to make decisions about my life, and forget ECT/meds that would make me gain weight. But he won't do that so I just have to get it in my head that he's gone, no longer a part of my life.
But that makes me sad.