Like I said on Twitter earlier today, I didn't post yesterday because I was completely crippled by depression and eating disordered thoughts. In fact, that pretty much seems to be the case every time I don't post. I just couldn't get myself out of bed. I felt/feel disgusting about it.
Anyway, I didn't tell you this on Wednesday but while I was at the fencing club D called me to tell me about a conversation he had with Shrinkiepoo. You see, after I broke up with Shrinkiepoo he asked my permission to call D and I said that was fine. They finally got into contact with each other on Wednesday. D said pretty much what I was expecting him to say: that Shrinkiepoo said he likes me, that he would gladly take me back if I wanted to, and that he would also be glad to help me find a new psychiatrist at uni when I go back. Basically what he said to me in our last session.
Then D asked me how I felt about what Shrinkiepoo said and, as has been typical for me for the past week or so, I said "nothing." I am so numb I can barely feel a thing. But I am aware of one feeling: I kind of miss Shrinkiepoo. Don't get me wrong-- I don't want him back and I think I made the right decision, but I still miss him. For three years he was an exceptional psychiatrist to me and gave me support and help that no one else could. I think it's not crazy for me to miss that. (As I am writing this in the library I am blinking back tears lest everyone think that I am a nutcase, which I am.) In my ideal world Shrinkiepoo would stop his paternalistic ways, allow me to make decisions about my life, and forget ECT/meds that would make me gain weight. But he won't do that so I just have to get it in my head that he's gone, no longer a part of my life.
But that makes me sad.
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5 comments:
It is hard to break ties with someone you have been with a long time. In the beginning you had a good working relationship that just became too controlling. What you are feeling is normal. ((((((NOS))))))
I wonder then about the fear of gaining weight being more important than simply getting well. It seems that if someone can help me to get over an obsession, then I would want to try that. Because the option is to stay in misery.
I guess there would be some aspects that you miss of Shrinkipoo. After all you were seeing him for three years. This is understandable NOS.
Thanks dear for sharing. Blessings.
It's understandable that you miss him, someone who was part of your treatment team for quite a few years. It's just unfortunate at the end that you felt like he was forcing you to engage in treatments you weren't exactly keen on having.
Take care,
Cassie x
Saddness. Loss. Anger over his patneralistic ways. All good! Far better than numbness in my world and mind. Numbness is akin to death. Feeling is part and parcel of being human. We are, by the way, human BEings....not human WASings.
Have a great day today! I'm being at the service of my wife and youngest daughter. In some strange way, doing that has excused me from lawn mowing and other gardening work and other normal Saturday honey dos....
Mike L.
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