I feel like I have so many thoughts today but can't verbalize any of them. And in my emotionally and physically exhausted state I'm not sure if this post will turn out to be any more than a ramble, but I guess we'll see.
The morning was nothing to write home about, but my day took a turn for the worse at noon when I had an appointment with D. I didn't even want to attend the session because of my anger towards him, but D said he wanted to talk about why I was angry and why I was feeling like therapy was useless so I agreed to go.
So first I explained to D why I was angry at him (see the above link for some details) and his response didn't really satisfy me. He said he was angry too-- angry at the situation. Then he apologized, but it just seemed false, like he was trying to appear sorrier than he actually was.
Then we started talking about eating and weight and I just fell apart. There hasn't been a day in the past week in which I haven't used behaviors and it makes me feel terrible (although today I followed my meal plan, so at least there's some improvement). And, as always, I'm obsessed with keeping my weight under a certain number. D and I talked about it, and it came out that weight is how I define myself: if I am an acceptable weight then I am an acceptable person and if I'm at an unacceptable weight (unacceptable being anything over a certain number) I'm a failure, a shitty person, ugly, fat, and worthless. Does that sound crazy, that mere ounces have so much control over my life?
I genuinely hate my life. I am one big amalgamation of NOS disorders; I am just one big mistake and I define myself as such. I know that I am very fortunate in many areas of my life but in terms of the workings of my mind it seems I have gotten the shit end of the stick. I'm not sure if people who don't have mental illnesses can really grasp what my life is like. My life has gotten so bad at times that I have tried to end it. And honestly, I am contemplating it now. I imagine how I would do it and when I would do it. And I've begun to imagine my funeral like I used to. Still no one comes.
There was a time earlier in the spring/summer when things were better, so I know that life isn't always this low. But the good periods seem to be ephemeral.