Well, today was my first appointment with my new psychiatrist, Dr. N. And I think it went pretty well. I have to admit that I was wary at first-- I guess I have been burned with psychiatrists in the past (see: Shrinkiepoo) and I wasn't particularly excited to see one. She spent most of the session asking me questions about my past and about my treatment history and I tried to answer as best as I could. I have a really hard time remembering anything from before I was about thirteen years old, but I think I gave a relatively complete history of my NOS disorders.
One thing that she said really stood out to me. We were talking about my past suicide attempts which were all overdoses on medication that I had stashed away and accumulated over some time, and she said "It's interesting. You must have ambivalent feelings towards your medication. You take the pills to help you but you also use them as a weapon against yourself." I had to pause when she said that. I never really thought about things that way before, and I guess I am ambivalent about my medication; I take them in the hopes that they will make me feel better but I really don't believe that they will be able to do their job. What she said doesn't really make a difference in the way I'm currently living my life-- at this time I am taking all of my meds as prescribed-- but it was just food for thought that I thought I'd share.
Then we started talking about sex. She was really interested in my relationships (in my life I've had two: one in eighth grade, one during my freshman year of uni) which didn't give her much material to go on. But she asked why, if I don't have a boyfriend, am I on birth control and I pointed out to her that just because I don't have boyfriends doesn't mean I don't have sexual partners. It was kind of embarrassing. But then she asked me about my first time and I immediately tensed up and said that I didn't want to talk about it. You see, my first time was one of the two times I was sexually assaulted and I just didn't want to go there today. All I said was "It was a bad situation," and we left it at that. I have a feeling we may be coming back to that subject in the future.
Finally, we talked about what meds I have tried (summary: pretty much all of them) and I told her that I refuse to take medication that has the possibility of weight gain as a side effect. She then said "Well, how much are you willing to do to get rid of this eating disorder?" I replied "I want to say that I would do anything, but it's just not true. Taking those drugs is just too scary for me at the moment."
And then the session was over. We have another one scheduled for Monday so she can get a more thorough history and so we can really discuss my medication. I think things will work out with Dr. N. I'm glad I now have a psychiatrist in my life who (thus far) has not threatened or blackmailed me. In my book, that qualifies as a success.