Today I have had the distinct feeling of lifelessness. It's hard to describe, but I think a good word is "empty." I am bored and lonely; I spent today working on an essay for my German film class and WC called to cancel our second date (he wants to reschedule, though) so I spent the majority of my time by myself in front of a computer. I'm just feeling... unfulfilled. Maybe it's the long weekend that has been getting to me-- downtime is never easy-- and maybe things will improve when classes and wind ensemble meet on Wednesday. (At least I hope they will.) But at least for now I feel like something is missing.
For some reason today my mind went to suicide. Well, actually I read a story about someone who committed suicide and I couldn't help but feel a tad bit jealous. Sometimes I feel like the only way anyone will really care about me or truly understand how much I suffer from my depression and eating disorder is if they see me die. I guess what I'm really saying is that I want attention and validation. Of course, however, I would never actually commit suicide just to get attention, but I think it shows how desperate I am to have someone really get it. That's the thing with mental illness-- often times you can't physically see it so it goes undetected by others. And if people can't detect it then they certainly can't help.
I just want to feel less alone.
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I can really relate to your feelings of being empty and alone. I feel so isolated at the moment, particularly because L is away, but I always do feel very isolated when my mood is low. The weird thing is that I want to be left alone - I want to shut the world out, and yet at the same time, I feel really lonely and isolated. I think I am just very selective about the people I can tolerate when I feel bad, and there are very few of them - most people just irritate me!
Take care
xxx
I can relate to wanting validation and attention by commiting suicide. Like you, I wouldn't do it solely for attention, but I need someone to understand how awful I feel, to acknowlege that I really am struggling.
*hugs*
Take care,
Cassie x
I can relate to wanting validation and attention by commiting suicide. Like you, I wouldn't do it solely for attention, but I need someone to understand how awful I feel, to acknowlege that I really am struggling.
*hugs*
Take care,
Cassie x
Depression and an eating disorder are so much for anyone to have to deal with on a daily bases. Yes it is an everyday struggle and I agree with you only someone that suffer from these things can truly understand. The deep loneliness can cause actual physical pain. You hurt so badly and want someone to really understand. I do understand your suffering and wish I could take it away from you. Remember I care very much for you and even though I'm not there physically I am with you in spirit. I hope tomorrow is a little better of a day. Just keep hanging on because you have those of us that have been there and are here to support you now. (((((NOS))))
SUSICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER,NEVER!!!!!!! NEVER DO YOU HEAR ME.I LEARNED THAT IN JULY AFTER MY LAST ATTEMPT. I AM LUCKY TO BE ALIVE.Besides you are a great person,why robb us of a great blogging friend??
NOS here listening and understanding the alone-ness. Yes, sometimes I find also an extended weekend can prolong the feelings. Hoping that this feeling lifts from you dear one soon. Blessings.
(((((((NOS)))))))
Good Morning NOS,
Thanks for your encouragement yesterday. I feel better today.
I don't want to say I understand what you are going through, but I do relate to " others not being able to see my physical and mental issues".
People look at me with three heads sometimes when I tell them I have chronic fatigue symptoms. It is up and down with me. When my symptoms are flaring up I feel depressed and lifeless, too. I literally have no energy. This weekend I did not even go to church, which I love to do.
I just want you to know you are not alone.
Here listening and sending you hugs.
Blessings,
Tammy
Trust me there are those of us that understand. And long weekends do suck! I was right there with you, feeling alone and cut off.
I hope you're feeling a little better now.
There are lots of other ways to get attention rather than dying. I value my life now. It is truly a gift. I hope that you realize that you also are a gift. Treasure that and yourself.
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