Today I have had the distinct feeling of lifelessness. It's hard to describe, but I think a good word is "empty." I am bored and lonely; I spent today working on an essay for my German film class and WC called to cancel our second date (he wants to reschedule, though) so I spent the majority of my time by myself in front of a computer. I'm just feeling... unfulfilled. Maybe it's the long weekend that has been getting to me-- downtime is never easy-- and maybe things will improve when classes and wind ensemble meet on Wednesday. (At least I hope they will.) But at least for now I feel like something is missing.
For some reason today my mind went to suicide. Well, actually I read a story about someone who committed suicide and I couldn't help but feel a tad bit jealous. Sometimes I feel like the only way anyone will really care about me or truly understand how much I suffer from my depression and eating disorder is if they see me die. I guess what I'm really saying is that I want attention and validation. Of course, however, I would never actually commit suicide just to get attention, but I think it shows how desperate I am to have someone really get it. That's the thing with mental illness-- often times you can't physically see it so it goes undetected by others. And if people can't detect it then they certainly can't help.
I just want to feel less alone.