Eating Disordered Lenses

Today I my parents and I saw the movie The Kids Are All Right. I almost didn't go because I was so tired for no apparent reason. But I had spent the morning and early afternoon doing work and watching TV on my couch (which is also where I sleep) and I felt I just had to get up and out. The movie wasn't great, and it definitely wasn't great to watch with my parents sitting next to me. There were a lot of relatively graphic sex scenes and I always get uncomfortable when I watch that sort of thing with my parents. After the movie we went out for Mexican food which was very good but scary, so I'm nervous about stepping on the scale tomorrow and seeing a weight I don't want to see.

I really think I need to start working out. It's really hard here at my parents' house because I don't have a gym membership-- I only have one at uni (it comes "free" with the $40,000 tuition). So the only thing I can do is go running outside which isn't terrible, but I really want to use an elliptical because it also works my arms which I'm very self-conscious about. I guess it will have to do until I go back to uni.

Speaking of being self-conscious, I've been having a hard time with body image recently. Well, I guess "recently" would be misleading because these troubles have pretty much always been there. I find it so hard to look at myself in the mirror or see myself in pictures; I think I'm fat and ugly. My sister A recently told me that she and my other sister M decided that I am the best looking out of the three of us, but I just wholeheartedly disagree. Both A and M are naturally gorgeous, have fantastic, beautiful hair, and have bodies to die for (while eating anything they want). I have to disguise myself in makeup every morning, deal with my very imperfect curly red hair, and pinch my stomach compulsively to make sure I can't feel what I think I see (while following a very strict meal plan from which I am afraid to stray). I know eating disorders play tricks with our minds, that what we see or feel is not necessarily reflective of reality. It's like we see life through eating disordered lenses that distort everything. But what we see is our reality; no matter if what we see is false we still see it and it feels very real.

In my planner I have a collection of photographs of beautiful, skinny people. I first compiled these pictures when I was actively restricting and wanted to see beautiful, skinny people to inspire me to restrict more. Even though I am working very hard not to act on my eating disorder anymore I haven't gotten rid of the photos. I don't know why. When I look at those pictures I see what I used to be, what I could be if I resorted back to my anorexia. But that's the problem: eating disorders promise that they're going to change life for the better, they promise happiness. But this is a flat out lie. They will take over your life and your mind. I'm trying, but I'm not totally convinced that I will ever get them back.