So remember yesterday when I told you that I put in a call to D to discuss the commuting situation? Well, he called back. And let me just say that I am the first to admit that I am using D to manipulate Shrinkiepoo (I'm not proud of it, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do). I told D that Shrinkiepoo's idea of "discussing" the prospect of me commuting home every Saturday was threatening that I wouldn't go to uni if I didn't agree to it. I told him how I feel like I am being kept on the shortest possible leash. I told him that I feel like all my rights have been taken away just like I'm in the hospital, but that I'm not in the hospital because I am doing well enough to live without having doctors make all of my decisions for me. I told him that I feel like I am being treated like I am doing much worse than I am actually doing, that I'm not being given any credit or faith. I told him that coming home every Saturday would ruin my uni experience and I want really badly to be happy there. My language was peppered with expletives. He said we would talk more about this in our session on Friday and that he would put in a call to Shrinkiepoo to discuss this. My manipulation may have worked.
In the good-ish news department, Shrinkiepoo left me a message today while I was in class saying that I was granted uni dorm housing! I'm not living in the buildings I was hoping to have gotten and it's not in the most convenient location, but my room is apparently really nice. It's an apartment-style dorm, meaning that there's a kitchen, living room and bathroom plus two bedrooms-- one for me and one for my roommate. I'll be able to have someone there so I don't isolate too much and I'll be able to have my privacy. It's really the best of both worlds.
But I've been feeling really scared about going back to uni. It's interesting-- when I was there I absolutely hated it and hated my life and wanted to die, but the second I was removed from it all I wanted to do was go back. I think I hate being a student, having to take my work home with me all of the time instead of leaving it at an office at 5pm. But I know I'm a smart girl and I know that if I want to accomplish what I want to accomplish in life I have to have a degree (actually, more than one). I'm terrified that I will become severely depressed again because of the stress and lack of relief. And this time I feel like I can't tell anyone if I were depressed because all they would do is take away my freedom and choices. Or force me to do ECT again, which I 100% absolutely steadfastly refuse to do. I know Shrinkiepoo and D want to help me, but I don't think they realize that their techniques dissuade me from being honest.