I'm not having the best day.
The day started out fine, but I had an appointment with Shrinkiepoo that did not go as I would have liked it to go. He said that my going back to uni is "predicated" upon my agreement to go home every Saturday to have a session with D and attend group. In other words he is blackmailing me; if I don't agree to go home every Saturday then I can't go back to uni. I told him that it's not a simple task getting from uni to my hometown-- it takes about three hours worth of transportation-- and that going home every weekend would interfere both with my social life and with my academic life but he doesn't care. What an asshole. Seriously, I hate him. And I hate D too (he's the one who came up with this great idea). I want to leave them both but I can't because then I definitely won't be going back to uni. I got so angry during the session with Shrinkiepoo that I started to cry (and in fact I'm crying now as I write this). I am furious. I am being kept on the shortest leash possible. I hate my life.
Also, SH and I have been talking today and I think she's mad at me. I am pretty frustrated with her-- she says she wants to stop using her eating disordered behaviors but she doesn't want to change anything in her life. She asked me if I was annoyed with her and I replied "I'm not. It's just hard to hear you sounding like you're giving up on yourself when I haven't given up on you... But I don't want you to stop talking to me." She hasn't replied. I sent her another message saying "Now are you upset? Please respond. SH, you're my best friend. I care so much." Still no reply. So I figure now that she hates me and is giving me the passive-aggressive silent treatment. I am terrified that I have lost her-- she is essentially my only friend. I just wish she'd respond like an adult and not play games because they drive me crazy with anxiety.
I am feeling like I want to hurt myself. More self-harm than suicide, but both options are coming to mind. I am just feeling a plethora of shitty emotions right now and I can't handle it.
UPDATE: I couldn't take the anxiety about SH not responding so I called her and she picked up. I was crying and a mess and she said she wasn't mad, she just hadn't gotten my previous messages until a moment before I called. I guess this calms me down, but I'm still just having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.