I'm not feeling as great as I have been feeling the past few days, but I'm not terribly depressed either. I guess I'm somewhere in between.
Yesterday at IOP my dietitian said something that really triggered me (I'd prefer not to repeat it). So I spent all of today restricting and acting on my eating disorder. Sometimes it amazes me how little control over my eating disorder I can have. Like, I know that acting on my eating disorder will just make Shrinkiepoo take uni away from me and otherwise disrupt my life but when I hear things like the things my dietitian said I just have to act on it.
For all of those out there who think that eating disorders are choices, I'd like to invite them to spend ten minutes in my brain.
Also, ES flaked out on me again yesterday and today. But today I saw recent pictures of her and she still looks really sick, as in eating disorder sick. Seeing her simultaneously concerns me greatly and makes me very jealous. This may sound crazy, but I want to look sick. I feel that if I don't look-- or act-- sick no one will care about me or pay attention to me. I feel like I am nothing without my eating disorder.
Today was the first day of my job as a server and I feel really overwhelmed. Basically today consisted of a five-hour shift in which I spent the first hour reading the menus and playing on the computer (punching in random orders and pushing random buttons) and the rest of the time I shadowed one of the managers, helping take and deliver orders. Things were moving really fast! Much faster than I had expected or remembered from my previous experience as a server. I'm still looking into other restaurants for a job-- I really want a job at a local sushi restaurant because I feel it will be simpler than my diner job and produce bigger tips. But I think I was just so intimidated by things today that I have worked myself into an anxious state.
Ho hum. I am a victim of my own mind.