I'm not feeling as great as I have been feeling the past few days, but I'm not terribly depressed either. I guess I'm somewhere in between.
Yesterday at IOP my dietitian said something that really triggered me (I'd prefer not to repeat it). So I spent all of today restricting and acting on my eating disorder. Sometimes it amazes me how little control over my eating disorder I can have. Like, I know that acting on my eating disorder will just make Shrinkiepoo take uni away from me and otherwise disrupt my life but when I hear things like the things my dietitian said I just have to act on it.
For all of those out there who think that eating disorders are choices, I'd like to invite them to spend ten minutes in my brain.
Also, ES flaked out on me again yesterday and today. But today I saw recent pictures of her and she still looks really sick, as in eating disorder sick. Seeing her simultaneously concerns me greatly and makes me very jealous. This may sound crazy, but I want to look sick. I feel that if I don't look-- or act-- sick no one will care about me or pay attention to me. I feel like I am nothing without my eating disorder.
Today was the first day of my job as a server and I feel really overwhelmed. Basically today consisted of a five-hour shift in which I spent the first hour reading the menus and playing on the computer (punching in random orders and pushing random buttons) and the rest of the time I shadowed one of the managers, helping take and deliver orders. Things were moving really fast! Much faster than I had expected or remembered from my previous experience as a server. I'm still looking into other restaurants for a job-- I really want a job at a local sushi restaurant because I feel it will be simpler than my diner job and produce bigger tips. But I think I was just so intimidated by things today that I have worked myself into an anxious state.
Ho hum. I am a victim of my own mind.
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Hi NOS,
I hope that I don't offend you with my comments. I used to think that I didn't have a choice in my eating disorder...it was just automatic. Recently, I've been looking at it as an addiction, as it is an addiction. Each time, I now realize I make a choice, although not always conscious, to eat or not to eat. However, it is my ED is the first place that I go to under stress. I'm learning, I am making less than helpful choices. I'm sorry that your dietician said something that triggered you...I'm anxious because I meet with mine on Saturday.
I so understand being jealous of others with eating disorders, being concerned, a little scared for myself and wanting to hold onto it like my life depended on it.
As a part of my recovery, I made a vow to not do any type of work in the food industry...too many head games for me to play. How does that work for you?
Hey Nos....stay strong ok...I'm in your corner...
Good Morning Nos,
My sponsor used to call this a "slip". I would mess up on my food plan and she would cheerily say. Today is a new day. I have to admit it was a little annoying at the time because I was so busy having a pity party.
So, I will continue the time honored tradition. You had a slip and you can begin new today. You can thank my sponsor Margie for that cheerie advice. But, you know what, it is true. :)
Hope you get the job that you want. I love sushi. Sounds like a great place to work.
Blessings,
Tammy
Don't give up NOS. You are worth it. Continue to tell yourself that because it is true. As always I wish you the best. ((((NOS)))))
NOS hoping that you do get the job that you desire. ((((NOS))))
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