At A New Low

I'm going back to uni tomorrow to get some work done. I am not looking forward to it. I hate uni. I hate constantly having to do work. If I felt that there were choices I would drop out. In fact, I just want to drop out of everything. Working at the lab, tutoring, the crisis helpline, class, I would love to quit it all. I am reaching the end of my rope. An ideal life would be one in which I am in my apartment, asleep, just wasting away.

Today I found out that my insurance company denied my parents any reimbursement for my inpatient treatment. We're taking it to a second appeal, but it's unlikely that we'll get anything. I feel so guilty-- I completely wasted their money. They deserve a much better daughter than me. Or at least a cheaper one.

I am so depressed, I can't even describe what it feels like.

I hate to be redundant, but goodness, how I want to die. Today I pictured myself drafting my suicide note. I think it would include a list of people who I'd want to come to my funeral because I don't think that anyone would come if they weren't expressly invited. And maybe not even then.

My uni sends out emails when students die, and I picture the email that would be sent about me. I wonder if it would say it was a suicide. I know my uni's newspaper would print something like that-- they have before. But I'm fooling myself if I think that anyone would care enough to read beyond the headline or subject line. I matter to no one at that school.

Reason says I should have died four years ago.